Wolf Dreamer Options

[Styrmwolf]

This is the first draft of a poem I've been working on, any advice would be welcome. Thanks!

Wolf Dreamer

In my soft bed I lie,
Limbs ensnared by tousled blankets
Coiling into cords, into iron chains
Sticking to skin lay bare.

Slipping free, bare toes falling to frigid floor.
A specter am I, a shadow,
Stalking long corridors of pallid wall.
Listening, reaching for the song without.

Tentively, stepping into the night.
Stars, burning diamonds, glitter.
As moonlight, always moonlight
Bathing me in fay silver.

The forest, viresent, lush,
Defiant of dawn and dusk
Calls to my stirring blood
Feral heartbeats, beat as one.

Falling forward, two legs shift to four
I am no longer me, and yet,
I have never truly been myself before.
I become more.

Beauty, brutality, clothed in storm grey
I am the killer, the singer,
Worshiper to none save Diana,
I, am wolf.

You clothe me in darkness,
For I, am unknown to your kind.
Everything, yet nothing,
Brightest night, darkest day, mean little to me.

I only run! Lifeblood singing
Within every vein
Jumping, twisting, feeling
The pulsing heart of earth beats pounding paws.


Wild, thundering heart humming in my breast,
Dancing in moonlight, singing to the stars,
A hunt song of life, of blood, so vivid
Even the great spheres pause to listen.

My pyramid ears swivel, at snap of unwary pawstep.
Every muscle a taut harp string,
Awaiting the master's command.
A predator is ever hunting, in nature's way.

A rumble, a building storm,
In my eyes, a flash of lightning.
Chase, pulse pounding in my pointed ears
As a thousand Ethiopian drummers.

White tailed rabbit bounding ahead,
She is venerable, wise in the world.
Innocence, understanding,
And I follow, nipping at her heels.

Through spring, summer, fall, winter,
From Diana, stumbling dark and new,
To when she is radiant, wise, full once more
I chase her.

Running the marathon, the gauntlet
At the end of the one great quest
Teeth rip into furred flesh
Her blood and mine are one.


I kill not for death's icy maw,
For death, is not beauty, nor brutality
What lies under the cloak? Nothingness
No, I kill for life!

Succulent life, my own!
Her spirit runs with me now,
Sprinting into spring anew
In my eyes, wisdom of all.

Great Oaks move to let me pass,
A new call beckons to a place I once knew.
My feral heart turns home,
Teeth dull, storm fur falls away.

BEEP BEEP
Time for school, homework done?
Hurry, eat, shower, must scrape dirt away
Stop staring out the window, Car is leaving!

A dream, a little fancy, it may have been so,
But wherein does the difference lie,
Betwixt dream and memory?
For none but me can see

Dirt paw prints on the floor.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi there Whit.

I am going to print this out and have a read (hopefully tomorrow or day after) and return with comments. I like the personification here of the wolf.

I look forward to the read and wanted to let you know I stopped in!

Welcome!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Styrmwolf,

Greetings newbie. I know enough about free verse to be dangerous. Turn off your radio, cell phone, and anything else likely to risk explosion via spark. As Cleo says the following suggestions are merely suggestion … or something like that.

I shall pick only on first stanza to begin.

In my soft bed I lie,
Limbs ensnared by tousled blankets
Coiling into cords, into iron chains
Sticking to skin lay bare.

The first and last lines are stilted by inversion. Use conversational mode with say:
I lie in my soft bed
Sticking to bare skin

The third line says the blankets are both coiling cords and iron chains. I assume you aren't fully awake to know. How about "coil into iron cords?"

I like the alliteration of coil/cord/chain....stick/skin.

I suggest dropping "ing" in two places. I've been taught that "ing" and "ly" endings should be used sparingly.

The third line could be a simile: "Like coiled iron cords."
Cords are more likely coiled than chain. Blankets are not likely to feel as cold as metal chain.

One final hack. It may be your style, which is okay; but capital starting each line is obsolete. It goes back to when publishers needed an extra code to determine line breaks.

I do appreciate your punctuation to show the path through the language wood.

A quick scan tells me this is about werewolf. Neat!

Hope to return to watch progression.

Don :)

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

This is the first draft of a poem I've been working on, any advice would be welcome. Thanks!

Wolf Dreamer

In my soft bed I lie, ( I like don think that this line reversal is better off said straight, some times it works but mostof the time it doesnt work ...)
Limbs ensnared by tousled blankets
Coiling into cords, into iron chains
Sticking to skin lay bare. Same with this line......

Slipping free, bare toes falling to frigid floor.
A specter am I, a shadow,
Stalking long corridors of pallid wall.
Listening, reaching for the song without.

Tentively, stepping into the night.
Stars, burning diamonds, glitter.
As moonlight, always moonlight
Bathing me in fay silver. I think you mean to use the word fey here....

The forest, viresent, lush, Viresent ??? not sure what you mean here....
Defiant of dawn and dusk
Calls to my stirring blood
Feral heartbeats, beat as one.

Falling forward, two legs shift to four
I am no longer me, and yet,
I have never truly been myself before.
I become more.

Beauty, brutality, clothed in storm grey
I am the killer, the singer,
Worshiper to none save Diana,
I, am wolf.

You clothe me in darkness,
For I, am unknown to your kind.
Everything, yet nothing,
Brightest night, darkest day, mean little to me.

I only run! Lifeblood singing
Within every vein
Jumping, twisting, feeling
The pulsing heart of earth beats pounding paws.


Wild, thundering heart humming in my breast,
Dancing in moonlight, singing to the stars,
A hunt song of life, of blood, so vivid
Even the great spheres pause to listen.

My pyramid ears swivel, at snap of unwary pawstep.
Every muscle a taut harp string,
Awaiting the master's command.
A predator is ever hunting, in nature's way.

A rumble, a building storm,
In my eyes, a flash of lightning.
Chase, pulse pounding in my pointed ears
As a thousand Ethiopian drummers. You used Diana as a reference earlier whay not stick to the same theme use something that references along the same line instead of ethiopian drummers....?


White tailed rabbit bounding ahead,
She is venerable, wise in the world.
Innocence, understanding,
And I follow, nipping at her heels.

Through spring, summer, fall, winter,
From Diana, stumbling dark and new,
To when she is radiant, wise, full once more
I chase her.

Running the marathon, the gauntlet
At the end of the one great quest
Teeth rip into furred flesh
Her blood and mine are one.


I kill not for death's icy maw,
For death, is not beauty, nor brutality
What lies under the cloak? Nothingness
No, I kill for life!

Succulent life, my own!
Her spirit runs with me now,
Sprinting into spring anew
In my eyes, wisdom of all.

Great Oaks move to let me pass,
A new call beckons to a place I once knew.
My feral heart turns home,
Teeth dull, storm fur falls away.

BEEP BEEP is this part of the same poem or is it a signiture?
Time for school, homework done?
Hurry, eat, shower, must scrape dirt away
Stop staring out the window, Car is leaving!

A dream, a little fancy, it may have been so,
But wherein does the difference lie,
Betwixt dream and memory?
For none but me can see

Dirt paw prints on the floor.

I sure hope this helps some/Steve

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Whit.

I'm back now with lots of notes/suggestions for you to ponder. Please know that these are just my own thoughts, you can take them or toss them as you wish. I enjoyed your 'wolf-dreamer' and the personifications implied by the narrator. The poem is lengthy but a good read! You'll note many punctuation adjustments and some line re-arrangements as well as a few word deletions and revisions in my comments. I've also added the edited suggestions below each stanza for you to see visually without all the notated bits.

Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)

In my soft bed {I lie}, (lie is assumed)
Limbs ensnare{d by} tousled blankets (sticking to present tense)
Coiling into cords, {into} [then] iron chains (try to limit use of same words in a stanza)
{Sticking} [clinging] to skin {lay} [laid] bare.

In my soft bed
limbs ensnare tousled blankets
coiling into cords, then iron chains
clinging to skin laid bare.

Slipping free, {bare} toes fall{ing} to frigid floor. (bare is already assumed from first stanza)
[I am] a specter {am I}, a shadow, (reverse to show control, not a question)
Stalking {long} [elongated] corridors of pallid wall. (corridors and walls are redundant here, so I suggest deleting the ‘wall’ and moving ‘pallid’)
Listening{, reaching} for {the} [soul’s] song {without}. (without ‘what’? out of reach?)

Slipping free, toes fall to frigid floor.
I am a specter, a shadow
stalking elongated, pallid corridors
listening for soul’s song.

Tentively, [I] step{ping} into {the} night. (typo: tentatively)
Stars, burning diamonds, glitter{.}
As moonlight, {always} [mother] moonlight
Bath{ing}[es] me in [her] fay silver. (the noun fay as in elf, fairy?)

Tentatively, I step into night.
Stars, burning diamonds, glitter
as moonlight, mother moonlight
bathes me in her fay silver.

The forest, {viresent} [virulent], lush, (do you mean virulent or verdant, if the latter, verdant is redundant in ‘lush’?)
defiant of dawn and dusk
calls to my stirring blood[;]
feral heartbeats{,} {beat} [thrash] as one.

The forest, virulent, lush,
defiant of dawn and dusk
calls to my stirring blood;
feral heartbeats thrash as one.

Falling forward, two legs shift to four[;]
I am no longer me, and yet,
I have never truly been myself {before}.
I become more.

Beauty, brutality, clothed in storm grey (suggest a swap of lines)
I am the killer, the singer,
Worshiper to none save Diana,
I, am wolf.

I am killer, singer,
Worshiper to none, save Diana.
I, am wolf;
beauty, brutality, clothed in storm grey.

You {clothe} [dress] me in darkness{,} (suggest alternate word for clothe as you just used it in previous line)
For I{,} am unknown to your kind.
Everything, {yet} [and] nothing{,}[;]
Brightest night, darkest day, mean little {to me}.

You dress me in darkness
for I am unknown to your kind.
Everything and nothing;
brightest night, darkest day, mean little.

I {only} run! Lifeblood singing
within every vein[;]
jumping, twisting, feeling
the pulsing heart of earth beats[,] pounding paws.

I run! Lifeblood singing
within every vein;
jumping, twisting, feeling
the pulsing heart of earth beats, pounding paws.

Wild, thundering heart hum[s]{ming} in my breast,
dancing in moonlight, singing to the stars,
a hunt song of life, of blood, so vivid
even the great spheres pause to listen.

Wild, thundering heart hums in my breast,
dancing in moonlight, singing to the stars,
a hunt song of life, of blood, so vivid
even the great spheres pause to listen.

My pyramid ears swivel{,} at snap of {unwary paw} step{.}[;]
Every muscle a taut harp string{,}
awaiting the master's command{.} [-]
A predator {is} ever hunting{,} in nature's way.

My pyramid ears swivel at snap of step;
Every muscle a taut harp string
awaiting the master's command -
a predator ever hunting in nature's way.

A rumble, a building storm,
in my eyes{,} a flash of lightning.
Chase, pulse pounding[,] {in my pointed ears}
{As} [like] a thousand Ethiopian drummers. (use of simile suggested)

A rumble, a building storm,
in my eyes a flash of lightning.
Chase, pulse pounding,
like a thousand Ethiopian drummers.

White[-]tailed rabbit bound[s]{ing} ahead{,}[.]
She is venerable, wise in the world{.}[;]
innocen[t]{ce}, understanding{,}[.]
{And} I follow, nipping at her heels.

White-tailed rabbit bounds ahead.
She is venerable, wise in the world;
innocent, understanding.
I follow, nipping at her heels.

Through spring, summer, fall, winter, (I suggest changing to ‘seasons change’)
From Diana, stumbling dark and new{,}
To when she is radiant, wise, full once more [-]
I chase her.

Through seasons change
from Diana, stumbling dark and new
to her radiance, wise, full once more -
I chase her.

[I] Run{ning} the marathon, the gauntlet
At the end of the one great quest[.]
Teeth rip into furred flesh[,]
Her blood and mine {are} [become] one.

I run the marathon, the gauntlet
at the end of the one great quest.
Teeth rip into furred flesh,
her blood and mine become one.


I kill not for death's icy maw,
For death, is not beauty, nor brutality
What lies under the cloak? Nothingness
No, I kill for life! (I’m not certain this stanza adds anything to the imagery?)

Succulent life, my own!
Her spirit runs with me now,
sprinting into spring anew
in my eyes, wisdom of all.

Great Oaks move to let me pass,
A new call beckons {to a place I once knew}.
My feral heart turns home,
Teeth dull[ed], storm fur falls away.

Great Oaks move to let me pass,
a new call beckons.
My feral heart turns home,
teeth dulled, storm fur falls away.

BEEP[!] BEEP[!]
Time for school, homework done?
Hurry, eat, shower{,}[;] must scrape dirt away[…]
Stop staring out the window, car is leaving!

A dream, a {little} fancy, it {may} [might] have been {so}{,}[.]
But wherein does the difference lie,
Betwixt dream and memory?
For none but {me} [I] can see

A dream, a fancy, it might have been.
But wherein does the difference lie,
betwixt dream and memory?
For none but I can see

{Dirt} paw-prints on the floor.