|
|
|
PAST MORTAL KEN, *** Sonnet in Iambic tet |
|
|
|
Jul 22 14, 01:29
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
|
The tour is far, the route adverse our quests beset with balk and woe. Most outcomes of our toil obverse and greed shall tax what seed we sow. Today, great rivers test our mind that desert plains tomorrow be lush pastures vast and unconfined; more fertile than the plundered sea.
Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend should man aspire to touch the stars; at cost mere kings can’t comprehend, untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . . Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain, we’ll dream our God-games just the same.Edit 1 This sonnet peeps into mankind’s indomitable will to master his environment at all cost, against adversity and setback. Although the wisdom of such endeavors could at times be questionable, without dreams we are nothing.
Copyright WW Schwim 22 July 2014
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Jul 22 14, 07:03
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 10-May 11
From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert
Member No.: 4,480
Real Name: JerryK
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
|
Good morn, Walter; enjoyed reading your deeply reflective philosophical sonnet, although I must admit that L-11, 12 leave me somewhat in the dark. One moment I think I can fully grasp their meaning, but then it dissipates. However, I must admit: I feel sort of dense this morning (old age). It's great to see you posting, Wal. Jerry
Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend, untranquil mist our vision jars and cost mere kings can’t comprehend say man shalt never touch the stars.
|
|
|
|
|
Jul 22 14, 07:24
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
|
Hey Jerry
Thanks for stopping by to read. Your comment is absolutely valid and even before I saw it, had already made some changes for clarity. I wrote this piece early this morning while still in bed (Its mid winter here) so I expect it to mature by the time spring arrives. I added a note below to assist readers align their thoughts. Personally I struggle to follow some philosophical classics.
Hope it is a bit more comprehensible now.
Cheers
Wal
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Jul 22 14, 10:44
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 10-May 11
From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert
Member No.: 4,480
Real Name: JerryK
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
|
QUOTE (Thoth @ Jul 22 14, 05:24 ) Hey Jerry
Thanks for stopping by to read. Your comment is absolutely valid and even before I saw it, had already made some changes for clarity. I wrote this piece early this morning while still in bed (Its mid winter here) so I expect it to mature by the time spring arrives. I added a note below to assist readers align their thoughts. Personally I struggle to follow some philosophical classics.
Hope it is a bit more comprehensible now.
Cheers
Wal Hi there, Wal; great rewrite!! And thanks for the explanatory note that confirms the mental image I had formed. I admire a poet who will undergo the tedious labor involved in rewriting his poetry. I have no nits at all, Wal. Excellent sonnet. About the field of philosophy . . . lol. One of my great heroes is Nietzsche--probably because I wear his style of mustache. Mid-winter you say? Well, it's barely mid-summer here in Arizona and today's temperature is going to soar up to 115 F. Is it any wonder my brain is parboiled? See you soon, Jerry
|
|
|
|
|
Jul 22 14, 14:23
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,389
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
|
Hi Wally,
Glad to see you back and posting once more. Winters always get me down too.
Here are a few suggestions to TOT. They probably won't improve your philosophical musings but I thought I'd toss my two cents in anyway.
QUOTE The tour is far, the route adverse our quests beset with balk and woe. Most outcome of our toil obverse (from plural “quests” to singular outcome/toil) also (I see the usage of “obverse” depicts opposite results from what was desired… I think)
(Perhaps: Most outcomes of our toils obverse) I also thought of: (Most outcomes of our toils immerse in greed and tax what seed we sow.) and greed shall tax that seed we sow. Today, great rivers test our mind that desert plains tomorrow be lush pastures vast and unconfined; more fertile than the plundered sea.
Tomorrow’s walls we need transcend, should man aspire to touch the stars at cost mere kings can’t comprehend untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . .(untranquil…? “a roiling mist our wisdom bars…) Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain, we’ll dream our God-games just the same.
Without our dreams, there would be no accomplishments.
Larry
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Jul 23 14, 13:59
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
Please, Wally, will you post the first edition and the subsequents? For us to see what's best or worst they must be there for our comments!!! respectfully, Daniel
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 1 14, 23:46
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,877
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
|
Hi Wally,
I've just read your poem and will not comment now as it's too late. Midwinter here also, with plenty of snow and now lots of rain.
I absolutely agree with the meaning of your poem. And for me, the "kings" are the 1% powerful rich in this unfair world. They only care for $$$... Maybe it's always been so, but Earth is overcrowded now in many areas, so the devastation is far more notable. Humankind will be kicked off the planet. I'd not care to be around in 15 years or so. Ironically, leaders make plans for 2030!!
My country is now being bullied into some kind of default by one of these rich vultures, by name of Paul Singer. He did the same to Perú a while back. as well as the Congo. He pounces on the vulnerable. Corrupt governments make countries an easy pick... but we the people are the ones that suffer.
Sorry!! Will be back. I like Larry's suggestions. I also checked out "untranquil" and was surprised that it exists, but it's not attractive to me.
Hugz, Syl***
······· ·······
Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 2 14, 05:11
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
|
Hello Larry, Thanks for those suggestions you are correct in the singular /plural issue.
Daniel, I somehow lost the original text. Closest is in Larry's crit. Sorry . . .
Syl, Nice to see you you popping in for a read and chat. Hope all is well at home now.
"Untranquil mist" was chosen very specifically to serve the sub layer. The negated verb has implications reach beyond the immediate visual verb (turbulent or roiling) I was trying to create uneasiness perhaps a conflict or threat.
"Mere Kings" and the symbolic importance of rivers, deserts sea etc also serve that sub layer. Immediate financial cost to reach the stars sits on the surface layer but below that is the cost to humanity which of course only Gods could understand.
Forgive my rambling. I never usually expose sub layers and symbolism , most readers skim the surface blissfully unaware and those few capable of seeing deeper will make their own interpretation.
Cheers all
Wally
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 18 14, 07:30
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi Wally, A bit more serious sonnet in this lovely poem! I do not see an issue on my first reading with 'untranquil mist' other than to perhaps place an emdash there to pause before reading 'our wisdom bars'. Here are just a few thoughts below to ponder as you wish... QUOTE The tour is far, the route adverse [Perhaps: The journey's far - for a bit less abrupt sound?] our quests beset with balk and woe. Most outcomes of our toil obverse and greed shall tax what seed we sow. Today, great rivers test our mind that desert plains tomorrow be lush pastures vast and unconfined; more fertile than the plundered sea. [I love the closing couplet here!]
[For the below stanza- I suggest changing as follows: Delete the comma at end of L1, use semi-colon at end of L2, start L3 with 'A' instead of 'at' and replace 'untranquil' with 'untranquiled mist-'. In L5, perhaps replace second 'dreams' with 'fate'?
Love the closing line!]
Tomorrow's walls we need transcend, should man aspire to touch the stars at cost mere kings can't comprehend untranquil mist our wisdom bars . . . Whilst dreams yet dreams may long remain, we'll dream our God-games just the same. Enjoyed the read! ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 22 14, 17:15
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
|
Sad yet beautiful, Wally. Love it!
Peggy
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 23 14, 03:32
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 783
Joined: 24-July 07
From: South Africa
Member No.: 457
Real Name: Walter Schwim
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Mistral
|
Kieth and Maggie, Thanks for popping in to read. Lori, thank you for those suggestions re the grammar and punctuation. Always such a sharp eye for these things and much appreciated. I shall do a revision shortly. Hugz Wally
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 27 14, 06:40
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi Wally, I look forward to seeing any changes you make! Cheers, ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|