Signs ***, Self pity, in answer to Jerry's cheerfulness! Options

[Psyche]

Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway -

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue!
We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews,
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.

Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina, 2014.



www.commons.wikimedia.org
File:Copy of 'Leda and the Swan', Leonardo da Vinci.

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[jerryk]

Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway - I love this line

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue! this rings a bell, lol
We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew near-rhyme
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews,
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.

Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you couplet should be rhymed
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina, 2014.

www.commons.wikimedia.org
File:Copy of 'Leda and the Swan', Leonardo da Vinci.

Hello Sylvia;
well, well; so, I inspired you to write a sonnet? I love the overall mood expressed in this contemporary sonnet on a mythological theme that's (just possibly) intermingled with personal reflections on failed love (I hope it isn't so, lol).
You indicated that substantial critique is desired? I'm too enthralled by your write to offer more than I have noted in your text. I'm sure, a more detailed feedback than mine will be forthcoming, but I accept a poem's contents rather than its perfection; and I love yours.
Jerry

[Psyche]

Hi Jerry!
Thanks so much for visiting and commenting. I've taken note of your remarks, everything helps! Enthralled? Wow...
No, it's not from personal experience, but it does revolve around some worries concerning a family member. That said, poetry always leads one down fictitious lanes in addition to the true issue. I think.
I'm also looking forward to some crits on metrics. I never seem to hit the right note...LOL

Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway - I love this line <<<<<< Tx!

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue! this rings a bell, lol <<<<< What bell, may I ask? Just curious. Perhaps it's too raunchy for our forums...I found some quite "shocking" paintings of the Swan making love to Leda with its beak, by famous artists. She was punished, but we'll leave that out now.

We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew near-rhyme <<<<< I wonder why modern poets tend to want perfect rhymes, when revered W.S. didn't bother much about that. His perfect meter was probably enhanced by his near and/or imperfect rhymes. I put a link to his Sonnet I, which is so very beautiful.
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews,
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.

Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you couplet should be rhymed
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

Here again, some poets whom I admire greatly, like Christina Rossetti and Elizabeth Barrett Browning, did not end their sonnets with a rhyming couplet.
Maybe I should push those two lines up, so that my rhyme scheme is easier to follow? Would that help? Of course, I've no objection to somebody helping me to arrange the rhyming couplet at the end, so long as the meaning's intact...LOL..
And thanks so much, Jerry, your poem activated something in my mind, for unknown reasons. Been moving house, got a sick husband, so my inspiration is practically nil. Cheers!



By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentina, 2014.

www.commons.wikimedia.org
File:Copy of 'Leda and the Swan', Leonardo da Vinci.
[/b]

Hello Sylvia;
well, well; so, I inspired you to write a sonnet? I love the overall mood expressed in this contemporary sonnet on a mythological theme that's (just possibly) intermingled with personal reflections on failed love (I hope it isn't so, lol).
You indicated that substantial critique is desired? I'm too enthralled by your write to offer more than I have noted in your text. I'm sure, a more detailed feedback than mine will be forthcoming, but I accept a poem's contents rather than its perfection; and I love yours.
Jerry

Links, placed here only because I started to explore, for my own learning purposes, stuff vaguely remembered from school days! Hope they work...



http://www.shakespeares-sonnets.com/sonnet/1


http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/174266
Christina Rossetti's "Remember".

[jerryk]

Hi Sylvia;
I'll need to return to your poem in a while. Totally out of time, but I do want to add a bit more to my previous as I find a quiet moment in the course of this day. What I meant by my comment (rings a bell) is simply that several artist have depicted the swan (naughty Zeus) penetrating Leah with his beak, and I remembered Cellini's medallion; therefore my comment.
I'll be back. Take care,
Jerry

[jerryk]

Hi again, Sylvia;
I have dabbled in the 3 major sonnet forms and I must admit that I’m most comfortable with the English (Shakespearean) because it has the simplest and most flexible pattern that lends itself to my more humorous writings. Besides, it is the most popular form in the English speaking world. Each quatrain builds upon the other with the encapsulating couplet that leaves the reader with a new concluding thought. There is much more to a sonnet than its basic form of 14 lines, but I won’t get into this right now.
I’m a traditionalist, and therefore (as said in another post) I prefer to adhere to the capping of the first letter in each line. But that’s neither here nor there. Also, I recall several sonnets that do not have a rhymed couplet, but I make a conscious effort to emulate the masters—not that there is anything wrong with exploring one’s own fancy. Some thoughts on your composition:
a) I’m not sure about the tile “Signs.” Where is the connection?
b) When I write an iambic sonnet, I abstain from toggling between trochees and iambs, as I see in v1 line 4. However, it’s permissible when you use a name, such as “Leda’s raunchy trysts” In the case of other rhymed poetry, mixing some trochees and Iambs is arguably permissible.
Pleasure reading your sonnet, Sylvia. See below. I wish you husband a speedy recovery,
Jerry
Signs

When we were brash of heart and full of play,
embracing by the lake, svelte swans glided
close to shore. Sensual scenes confided (should start with iamb)
in earthy words, with kinky toys held sway -

Myth’s lovers shrugged off portents of bleak fate:
Leda’s raunchy trysts with Swan’s beak untrue! ( slight stumble for me)
We missed the relished lane that leads anew
to fancied nuptial chains we claimed could wait.

Today I brawl beside the loathsome lake
and trace a humbled heart with bloodstone dew
on mirrored heavens… - entranced, hope renews, (just a dash; near rhyme is a stumble for me)
but drifts embodied in the knave swans’ wake.
Old sylphine chants inform my soul that you (I would rhyme the couplet)
in faith will not reverse my contrite state.

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

How lovely to read a sonnet from you - I haven't written one (or anything in R&M) for a while. You have done an excellent job! I think the only parts I stumbled were those mentioned by Jerry. I will mull this over and return when I can offer something substantial.
Hope you are keeping well.
Hugs
Snow

[Thoth]

Hi Syl

How wonderful that you wrote a Sonnet! And a beautiful one too. See you can do the form stuff if you choose to.

I'm not going to crit as I think Jerry has already done a fine job and I mostly agree with his comments.
Suffice it to say it reads grandly and is steeped in sufficient shrouded metaphore to satisfy a king.

Well done and lets see some more from that stable.

Huz

Wal

[Psyche]

Hi Jerry!
I'm trying to catch up on comments made long ago and not acknowledged. Please forgive.
Well, yes, I certainly did bear in mind that several artists depicted the swan (Zeus in disguise), penetrating Leda with his beak.
Fact is, I uploaded Leonardo's respectable representation so as not to break any "decency rules" that might prevail on this site.

Can you imagine if we were to upload some ancient Greek sculptures?! Porn has been around, sometimes in highly artistic ways, since...forever!
Must read up some more. You've written such interesting comments, Jerry, and I feel bad about not having answered sooner.
Cheers,
Syl***

Hi Sylvia;
I'll need to return to your poem in a while. Totally out of time, but I do want to add a bit more to my previous as I find a quiet moment in the course of this day. What I meant by my comment (rings a bell) is simply that several artist have depicted the swan (naughty Zeus) penetrating Leah with his beak, and I remembered Cellini's medallion; therefore my comment.
I'll be back. Take care,
Jerry

[Psyche]

Hi Wally!
I'm back...I think!

Thanks for your encouraging words. I do my best, but not sure whether I get the flow smoothly.

"Satisfy a king"...don't kid me, Wally, it's more likely that a king would behead me on the spot! But well, there are no kings around here to test.

Yes, Jerry has given me/us a load of info. I have some of my own to add, mostly concerning the fact that sonnets can vary a great deal regarding form. I have before me "Sonnets from the Portuguese, and Other Love Poems", by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. None of her sonnets are separated into quatrains, nor do they have a final rhyming couplet, set apart, to round off her theme.

And more importantly, her rhyming pattern appears to be ABBA in the first octet, then CDCDCD in the sextet (though she doesn't separate her lines anywhere). Oh my, difficult to explain, should leave a link to make it clear.

So I'll probably push up my last couple of lines, which actually rhyme the way I've just described. Just a thought...

Wal, I believe anything new, for now, will be in FV, sorry. That's all this stable can provide.

Hugz, Syl***

Hi Syl

How wonderful that you wrote a Sonnet! And a beautiful one too. See you can do the form stuff if you choose to.

I'm not going to crit as I think Jerry has already done a fine job and I mostly agree with his comments.
Suffice it to say it reads grandly and is steeped in sufficient shrouded metaphore to satisfy a king.

Well done and lets see some more from that stable.

Huz

Wal