[Pre]
She walks eyes closed
Through the mist

"reach out...reach out"

UNAWARENESS IS A SIN

Darkness means nothing to those who see

"please, I am slipping!"

WHY ARE YOU NOT CONSCIOUS?

Dew gathers on her skin
rolling down her cheeks
each drop swallowing the next
as its desire to consume
becomes greater

AMBIVALENCE IS A SIN

fingers release...

She walks eyes open
Through the mist

"you did not try"

Light means nothing to those who are blind

"why? why? why?"

YOU HAVE NOT LISTENED, MY SON

Light hits the mist
refracts
creates a wall
a wall of...

THOSE WHO CANNOT SEE ARE STOPPED BY THAT WHICH THEY COULD PASS

"what if you were I?
and slipped into..."

MY SON, IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE IT IS...


NOTHING



By Shelly Claman (aka vivacious)
[/Pre]

Hello,



Shelly, after reading your poem 'Voices' I came to the conclusion that three poems are intertwined.

1 The Son or A Priest Talking to a Man

UNAWARENESS IS A SIN
WHY ARE YOU NOT CONSCIOUS?
AMBIVALENCE IS A SIN
YOU HAVE NOT LISTENED, MY SON
THOSE WHO CANNOT SEE ARE STOPPED BY THAT WHICH THEY COULD PASS
MY SON, IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE IT IS... NOTHING


2 The Woman


She walks eyes closed
Through the mist

Darkness means nothing to those who see

Dew gathers on her skin
rolling down her cheeks
each drop swallowing the next
as its desire to consume
becomes greater

She walks eyes open
Through the mist

Light means nothing to those who are blind

Light hits the mist
refracts
creates a wall
a wall of...

The Third Person or Voice

"reach out...reach out"
"please, I am slipping!"
fingers release...
"you did not try"
"why? why? why?"
"what if you were I?
and slipped into..."


The story is obvious.

However the poem is fragmented. The fragmentation presents the reader with artificial ellipsises. ...

This how the start of the poem reads (to me).


She walks eyes closed
Through the mist... "reach out...reach out"...UNAWARENESS IS A SIN...Darkness means nothing to those who see..."please, I am slipping!" ...WHY ARE YOU NOT CONSCIOUS?

Maybe, an idea would be to combine the three poems into one.

Below is a Sonnet written by Edward Shanks. Shanks incorporates a 'voice' within the sonnet.


SONNET

He who so long a shadow contemplated
(The storm being done, a long stilled voice hath said)
Finds himself in the end with a shadow mated
And, quick thouh it move, a shadow is but dead.
We love not woman but the images
Ourselves have made of Beauty, Kindness, Youth:
Vain shapes that any candle throws may please
Till unexpected movement tells the truth.
It was not you I loved, It was not you!
It was your beauty was the flickering fire
That on the wall I watched so eagerly threw
A gibling shadow of my own desire.
But, should I now to the real woman turn,
Might true love from that first true sight be born?

A similar scene of unrecognition, though different, from Shanks.


Regards'


John

Shelly, Kind of like John, I am a bit confused by your piece, it is difficult to tell if there are three intertwined poems or if they are just variations of one. Again like John, maybe you can use a combination of color, bold, italics, and quotation marks to delineate the pieces from one another, this reads very fragmented to me, the idea comes across, but it takes an effort to understand, where it should flow freely. JMHO. Oh and welcome to MM, I hope you take this in a well meaning way and hope to see more of your writing.
Steve

Hi Shelly!

Interesting interpretation John made of your poem. I couldn't have done that myself.

As I've come back for a third read, I find your work quite intriguing, but I don't know whether it's due to others' help, or whether your poem gets better and better after several reads.

Hope to hear from you soon, love to know what's behind all this!

Thanks & cheers,
Syl***

Hello Shelly,

Yes, you could definitely have 2 poems here, but I like how the message is intertwined into the one. I'll comment on the entire piece and jot some notes down as I go, mostly from the PP (punctuation police) . I'll try and keep your format as I go (in place). I think the lack of punctuation also works though to portray the disorganized narrator.

Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo

[Pre]
She walks eyes closed
Through the mist
*add a comma after 'walks' and change 'through' to lowercase

"reach out...reach out"
*change first 'reach' to capital R and add endstop before end quote

UNAWARENESS IS A SIN

Darkness means nothing to those who see

"please, I am slipping!"
*change to capital P in 'Please'. I like the progressive change beginning here with the MC slipping, losing it.

WHY ARE YOU NOT CONSCIOUS?

Dew gathers on her skin
rolling down her cheeks
each drop swallowing the next
as its desire to consume
becomes greater
*Add endstop after 'greater'

AMBIVALENCE IS A SIN

fingers release...

She walks eyes open
Through the mist
*add a comma after 'walks' and change 'through' to lowercase

"you did not try"
*Capitalize You and add endstop

Light means nothing to those who are blind

"why? why? why?"
*Capitalize each 'why'

YOU HAVE NOT LISTENED, MY SON

Light hits the mist
refracts
creates a wall
a wall of...

THOSE WHO CANNOT SEE ARE STOPPED BY THAT WHICH THEY COULD PASS
*Could 'could' also be 'might'?

"what if you were I?
and slipped into..."
*Capitalize 'What' and 'And'

MY SON, IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE IT IS...


NOTHING



By Shelly Claman (aka vivacious)[/Pre]

Hi there - this is a very interesting format, which I'll have to come back and read again when I have more time.
Just one thought - I was told that when you write in capitals, it means you are shouting! if in those lines that are capitalised you are shouting that's fine - otherwise perhaps bold would be better.

Very original piece

Snow

Hi Shelley:
Interesting format.
I am not sure if it is a blind woman or a young man.
or both who find nothingbetween them.

Hi Shelly,

Like a few others who have already commented, I like the idea that this is several poems, intertwined. Although I've always found sonnets difficult to compose, I really liked John's comparison to the Shanks piece....it might be interesting to try that with this. Even it you ultimately do not end up with a true sonnet, incorporating the "voice" throughout might make this into something truly remarkable.

With all that said, this is a very original piece. Intriguing, and worth another look. I am definitely going to read this several more times, it seems to be more and more captivating with each read.

I am intrigued and yet like the others that posted before me I am confused.
I feel as if I'm just missing...just missing what is being said.

Many of your lines just grab my attention; a few examples would be:
UNAWARENESS IS A SIN
Darkness means nothing to those who see
WHY ARE YOU NOT CONSCIOUS
MY SON, IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE IT IS...

Personally, I think changes in font, bolding, odd centering, colors, etc, pull away from a written piece - the words, the meaning should be able to stand alone - but that's just me other people enjoy the additions.

I like this piece, as I said it intrigues me, I find I'm hoping you show up soon and explain it so that I understand, because I want to understand :)

thanks,
sigh

Shelley:

I like the format very much. Instead of three poems, I read it as three part harmony or a three character drama.

I am, however, a little confused between the "she" at the first of the [poem and the "son" at the last.

Still think it is a nice piece of work.


ace