Cobblestone Rose ~ Line Change Nov 03, 06, Wizard Award ~ Quatern Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Cobblestone Rose ~ Quatern ~ Revision 2

Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten trails,
stir ripples into silver streams...
as emerald kisses verdant vales.

Perfume breathes soft on summer's breeze;
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone
with memories of tempting hands
enticing passions yet unknown.

Upon a garden bench for two,
amid sharp thorns and broken stems
lay bloom of rose. On cobblestone
a spirit's crushed, past life condemns.

So now are springtime petals gone,
the frigid winter winds will moan
unending cries; and nevermore
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov 2005

S2 L1 - Soft perfume wafts on summer's breeze


Cobblestone Rose ~ Quatern ~ Revision 1

Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten trails,
stir ripples into silver streams...
as emerald kisses verdant vales.

Soft perfume wafts on summer's breeze;
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone
with memories of gentle hands
enticing passions yet unknown.

Upon a garden bench for two,
amid sharp thorns and broken stems
lay bloom of rose. On cobblestone,
her spirit's crushed, past life condemns.

So now are love and lovers gone,
the frigid winter winds will moan
unending cries; and evermore
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov 2005





Cobblestone Rose ~ Quatern ~ Original

Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten paths,
stir ripples into soothing stream
to dampen melancholic wrath.

Upon a wooden bench for two
lay wilted rose.  On cobblestone ...
her piercing thorns and broken stems,
sweet spirit crushed; she dies alone.

Soft perfume wafts on summer's breeze;
a memory of spring, when hands
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone ...
lit passion's blaze like firebrand.

And now are love and lovers gone.
The whipping winter winds will moan
unending cries; forevermore
lay dying rose on cobblestone.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov2005

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

A sad poem of the death of a rose and the death of a relationship.

I have a few thoughts.

Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten paths,
stir ripples into soothing stream
to dampen melancholic wrath.  can wrath or anger be melancholic?

Upon a wooden bench for two
lay wilted rose.  On cobblestone ...
her piercing thorns and broken stems,
sweet spirit crushed; she dies alone.  I really like the image this verse paints in my mind

Soft perfume wafts on summer's breeze;
a memory of spring, when hands
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone ...
lit passion's blaze like firebrand.

And now are love and lovers gone.
The whipping winter winds will moan
unending cries; forevermore   pathetic fallacy?l
ay dying rose, on cobblestone.

Nina

[JLY]

Cathy,
Very sad tale.  Your use of the word "forgotten"; is that to signify that you intentionally want to forget the past, or is it meant to be simply that the it is something that one can't remember?
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks for dropping in to take a peek at this.  

A sad poem of the death of a rose and the death of a relationship.

I have a few thoughts.

Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten paths,
stir ripples into soothing stream
to dampen melancholic wrath.  can wrath or anger be melancholic?  The wrath is brought on by melancholy thoughts.

Upon a wooden bench for two
lay wilted rose.  On cobblestone ...
her piercing thorns and broken stems,
sweet spirit crushed; she dies alone.  I really like the image this verse paints in my mind   Thank you!

Soft perfume wafts on summer's breeze;
a memory of spring, when hands
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone ...
lit passion's blaze like firebrand.

And now are love and lovers gone.
The whipping winter winds will moan
unending cries; forevermore   pathetic fallacy?l  lol  I know!
ay dying rose, on cobblestone.

I appreciate you taking the time to comment and I will take another look
at those two spots that you've mentioned.

Thank you!
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

Nice of you to drop in!  

Very sad tale.  Your use of the word "forgotten"; is that to signify that you intentionally want to forget the past, or is it meant to be simply that the it is something that one can't remember?

Basically, it represents things they had done, places they had been, thoughts they had talked and dreamed about that had been avoided up to this point.  Her mind is walking the paths again. Does that help?  

Using a specific form I sometimes find it difficult to explain as I might in free verse but I love this form!

Thanks for your comments!
Cathy

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cathy,

You handle this so beautifully. It has a very melancholy, empty feel - very moving. My only pause was the melancholic wrath - seems to juxtapose two very different emotional states, though I see what you intend from your explanation to Nina.

Fran

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Fran,

You handle this so beautifully. It has a very melancholy, empty feel - very moving. My only pause was the melancholic wrath - seems to juxtapose two very different emotional states, though I see what you intend from your explanation to Nina.

I don't want to use words that mean the same emotion though, I'd be repeating that way.  I can get angry thinking about something remembered while in a melancholy mood.  I guess that is what I'm trying to depict here.  Am I strange?  lol

I'm glad you enjoyed it otherwise.  *smiles*  I'm not sure how else I could word that but I will think on it.  Thanks for leaving a comment!

Cathy

[Merlin]

The quatern is another interesting form employing a line repetition.  It lends itself very well to the melancholy themes.

While the purist might shudder at changing the repeating line, I actually like making subtle changes.  It brings a bit of life to things, for me at least.  Your minor adjustments work well here.

Merlin

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Merlin,

The quatern is another interesting form employing a line repetition.  It lends itself very well to the melancholy themes.

Thank you!  I thought it turned out rather well. *smiles*

While the purist might shudder at changing the repeating line, I actually like making subtle changes.  It brings a bit of life to things, for me at least.  Your minor adjustments work well here.

That's what I thought too.  It doesn't sound so 'cut and dried'.  lol  And I was never a 'purist' about anything that I know of.  I'm glad you enjoyed this!  Thanks Merlin!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

An old one I finally got around to revising~

Thanks everyone!

Cathy

[Eisa]

Oh wow Cathy! -- no nits from me. This is wonderful!

The death of a flower -- and a relationship.


Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten trails,
stir ripples into silver streams...
as emerald kisses verdant vales


I particularly like

as emerald kisses verdant vales

Absolutely great read

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

WOW Thanks Snow!! LOL

Cathy

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Cat!

I love what you did with this; it's always hard to come back to an old piece that's grown on you and change it, but I think it's a great practice.

I don't think that I had read this one before. The only problem I have with it is the repeated line. It seems to open by telling someone to 'lay' the rose on the cobblestones, and later it lies and then will always lie there, but the use of 'lay' has it speaking later in the poem in the past tense of 'lie'.

It's a tricky word (two similar verbs, lie and lay which sometimes intersect with each other) to use, and you use it well, but the last stanza doesn't seem to fit ?

slightly confused, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Morning Daniel!

I've always disliked those words... lay, lie. I could never get the tense right. I had 'engrave red rose on cobblestone' but then that doesn't fit with stanza 2. Any ideas?? LOL

Thanks for your input~

Cat

[JustDaniel]

I'll think about it, Cat...

right now my mind is boggled. I'm helping Aggie judge a contest at AP, and have to make a decision between a couple of pieces. I hate doing that! ... plus Eileen has been sick all night, and my vision is blurry at the present, as I just woke up from a sleep with a dream I was at Ft. Dix, and the Koreans just took over!

sLightly boggled, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Not a good dream to have! My son just enlisted in the National Guard and is doing his first weekend. He hopes to transfer to active duty Army soon but mom's hoping he doesn't! LOL

I hope Eileen is feeling better!

Cat

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy...

You have a wonderful way with images and keeping the flow of your thoughts steady and in one direction. I admire that in this poem as well. You've made great use of the refrains, smoothly the repeat in a natural and unintrusive voice. Your revisions have shown a strong change in the meaning and this has enhanced the pleasure of the reading.

Some further thoughts to follow... Loved this poem and felt it is near polished!

Best Wishes and admiration, Liz

Cobblestone Rose ~ Quatern ~ Revision 1

A lovely title. Unique. The title itself draws an immediate image of contrast...cobblestone/roses ... what an excellent image.

Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten trails,
stir ripples into silver streams...
as emerald kisses verdant vales.

I love the opening stanza and that it feels like a stroll. The tone establishes a casual walking movement, and clippings of the treasures discovered along the way. Not a word out of place. And not a word used wastefully. Good word crafting. Your use of inner rhymes and alliteration also create a very pleasurable sound when spoken aloud. The images come to life. You surely 'SHOW" here and keep from the dullness of telling,

Soft perfume wafts on summer's breeze;
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone
with memories of gentle hands
enticing passions yet unknown.

L3 although it is just as good, perhaps a slight improvement might be to substitute 'gentle' with something less used. Something fresher, as we often see this description. Hmmmm... let's see ...
Perhaps you might want to enhance the seeding of L4's sensual implication. Maybe tempting. As I mentioned, it isn't a critical suggestion. It does work well as gentle. Just for some thought.


Upon a garden bench for two,
amid sharp thorns and broken stems
lay bloom of rose. On cobblestone,
her spirit's crushed, past life condemns.

This stanza felt a bit rough. In L2, amid sounded awkward and sharp/thorns both felt equally stressed, and even sharp felt a more pronounced stress, to my ear.
Perhaps...

Upon a garden bench for two,
in heaps, spiked thorns and broken stems

In L3, I really think your use of punctuation is well done here to make such a change in the refrain.
L4, leaves me wondering more about the 'past life condemns.' ...



So now are love and lovers gone,
the frigid winter winds will moan
unending cries; and evermore
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone.

The twist from the loveliness of the first 2 stanzas to the sadness we find in the ending stanza was unexpected and worked well to give that change up in story line.
L1, At first, I thought so now was slightly fillerish, but when taken into context that time has passed, it isn't all that fillery :)

I did want to make some further suggestions on moving away from love/lover's a little...
Perhaps...

So now, with lover's fervor gone

I suggest the word fervor to contrast with the 'frigid' winter winds in L2. The contrast might help enhance the change from warmth to wintry.
Love the ending lines.



Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov 2005

Well I hope I've left something that helps... Very good crafting Cathy... Bravo...

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy...

You have a wonderful way with images and keeping the flow of your thoughts steady and in one direction. I admire that in this poem as well. You've made great use of the refrains, smoothly the repeat in a natural and unintrusive voice. Your revisions have shown a strong change in the meaning and this has enhanced the pleasure of the reading. LOL The thoughts and direction usually aren't so steady when I first start! It's a good thing they end up that way... Meaning did change slightly but I thought it helped to enhance the image I was trying to create. Thanks!

Some further thoughts to follow... Loved this poem and felt it is near polished!

Best Wishes and admiration, Liz

Cobblestone Rose ~ Quatern ~ Revision 1

A lovely title. Unique. The title itself draws an immediate image of contrast...cobblestone/roses ... what an excellent image. For once, I like the title too! *smiles* I'm not sure how I even came up with it. If I remember right, this was a case where the title came before the poem!

Lay bloom of rose on cobblestone,
meander down forgotten trails,
stir ripples into silver streams...
as emerald kisses verdant vales.

I love the opening stanza and that it feels like a stroll. The tone establishes a casual walking movement, and clippings of the treasures discovered along the way. Not a word out of place. And not a word used wastefully. Good word crafting. Your use of inner rhymes and alliteration also create a very pleasurable sound when spoken aloud. The images come to life. You surely 'SHOW" here and keep from the dullness of telling, Thank you!

Soft perfume wafts on summer's breeze;
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone
with memories of gentle hands
enticing passions yet unknown.

L3 although it is just as good, perhaps a slight improvement might be to substitute 'gentle' with something less used. Something fresher, as we often see this description. Hmmmm... let's see ...
Perhaps you might want to enhance the seeding of L4's sensual implication. Maybe tempting. As I mentioned, it isn't a critical suggestion. It does work well as gentle. Just for some thought.
This is a very good suggestion and I've been going through a lot of words for possibilities. Thanks Liz!

Upon a garden bench for two,
amid sharp thorns and broken stems
lay bloom of rose. On cobblestone,
her spirit's crushed, past life condemns.

This stanza felt a bit rough. In L2, amid sounded awkward and sharp/thorns both felt equally stressed, and even sharp felt a more pronounced stress, to my ear.
Perhaps...

Upon a garden bench for two,
in heaps, spiked thorns and broken stems

I am thinking about this. I'm not sure it works in conjunction with line 3 and what I'm trying to convey. It has given me some ideas so we'll see what happens. Thanks!

In L3, I really think your use of punctuation is well done here to make such a change in the refrain.
L4, leaves me wondering more about the 'past life condemns.' ...
That could be a whole other story! LOL


So now are love and lovers gone,
the frigid winter winds will moan
unending cries; and evermore
lay bloom of rose on cobblestone.

The twist from the loveliness of the first 2 stanzas to the sadness we find in the ending stanza was unexpected and worked well to give that change up in story line.
L1, At first, I thought so now was slightly fillerish, but when taken into context that time has passed, it isn't all that fillery :) There is probably a better way of wording it if I think about it a while. *smiles*

I did want to make some further suggestions on moving away from love/lover's a little...
Perhaps... I know it's a slightly cliche idea...

So now, with lover's fervor gone

I suggest the word fervor to contrast with the 'frigid' winter winds in L2. The contrast might help enhance the change from warmth to wintry.
Love the ending lines. Hmmm... I see what you're saying here and I will give it some further thought. I appreciate you dropping in and offering your thoughts. This one is kinda special to me and I want it just right. Your ideas will help. Thanks Liz~

Cathy



Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Nov 2005

Well I hope I've left something that helps... Very good crafting Cathy... Bravo... You always do! LOL And thanks!

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Another revision posted~

Thanks everyone!

[JustDaniel]

just a suggestion:

So now are springtime petals gone,

the and frigid winter winds will moan

unending cries; we may no more and nevermore
[ dual meaning of 'can't any more (seasonally)' and 'may not ever' ]

lay bloom of rose on cobblestone.

sLightly wilted, Daniel