The Lore of the Rings - revised, double enclosed sonnet Options

[Michelle]

***I think in Turco's, the English Sonnet begins this form, but I think it is more symmetrical starting with the Terza rima.


***revised



Lore of the Rings

A sapling’s breached the fallen season’s womb
and climbs above our quilted sacrifice;
tomorrow rises from a winter tomb.

Sweet sunshine bathes my limbs; I want to bask.
As wind’s caressing fingers tickle me,
warm droplets freely fall from heaven’s flask.
Green shoots and pithy trunk: I am a tree

Though spring traverses softly-- hurls no ice
to thwart a sapling’s vim or test his sap,
let’s share a shady branch of wise advice.

a tree, a tree, a tree, a pillar bound
to touch the vaulted sky, deliberate
with clouds and house songbirds that flit around
this grove. I need no guidance- life is great.

While summer aims to sear our leaves and zap
our vigor, gusts of autumn crook our boughs
and sudden blizzards force November’s nap.

But soon I bow to prudent shadows in
an August drought and dodge brisk gales behind
a massive trunk. As elder trees begin
to draw their sap to earth, I match my kind.

Our sapling hears as ancient groans espouse
the wisdom found in bands of weathered rings
and hidden pools our deepest roots can dowse.

A tree must learn the lessons trees accrue
to scale toward zeniths held in cloud and blue.

To reach the height of noble wooded kings,
a sprout must delve as far to tap wellsprings.






***original

The Lore of the Rings

The sapling’s breached the fallen season’s womb
and climbs above our quilted sacrifice;
the future rises from a winter tomb.

The sunshine bathes my limbs; I want to bask.
The wind’s caressing fingers tickle me
and droplets freely fall from heaven’s flask.
Green shoots and pithy trunk: I am a tree

Though spring traverses softly- hurls no ice
to thwart the sapling’s vim or test his sap,
let’s share a shady branch of wise advice.

a tree, a tree, a tree, a pillar bound
to touch the vaulted sky, deliberate
with clouds and house the birds that flit around
this grove. I need no guidance- life is great.

While summer aims to sear our leaves and zap
our vigor, gusts of autumn crook our boughs
and sudden blizzards force a winter’s nap.

I bow to know my brother’s shadow in
the August drought. I dodge the gales behind
a massive trunk. As elder trees begin
to draw their sap to earth, I match my kind.

Our sapling hears as ancient groans espouse
the wisdom found in bands of weathered rings
and hidden pools our deepest roots can dowse.

A tree must learn the lessons trees accrue
to scale the zenith held in cloud and blue.

To reach the height of noble wooded kings,
the sprout must tap the wells of deepest springs.**



*edited from - the sprout must struggle underground to springs.

[heartsong7]

Wonderful title and a masterful presentation.. a chorus of old and young trace the seasons in the life of a tree.
I just love this.
I see nothing I would change.
It sings!
Sue

[4rum]

Hi Michelle;

You certainly have a gift with meter, stressed and unstress in particular. I'm very envious.
Your generation of the tree builds nicely with the progression of the poem. I would only offer, in the last line, changing to springs to till spring, but then it sort of changes to 'near' rhyme and you may not find that acceptable.

Exquisite style, structure and attention to form, beginning to end.

enjoyed
sam

[Michelle]

Hi Sue. Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm glad that you like this. I think I'm going edit the last line though, to enhance the metaphor. I sincerely appreciate that you always read and comment on my poems.

My best always,

Michelle

[Michelle]

Thank you Sam for stopping in to read and comment. Thank you too for your encouraging words. I agree that the last line is the weakest. That one took my longer to get than almost all the rest of the poem. I have no problem with 'spring' as far as rhyming goes, but I want something to encapsulate my metaphor in that line. I will edit after this post. Perhaps the new line will set better with you. I'd love to know your thoughts about it. Thank you so much for offering and pointing to a problem area. I appreciate that very much.

my best,

Michelle

[heartsong7]

Hi Michelle...
I see that your original last line caused some confusion and while your revision does clarify that you are speaking of an underground water source, I think it loses strength by using 'deepest' again.
maybe something like:
"The sprout must anchor roots where water springs."

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Michelle,

I'll be back shortly but wanted to share a secret: I keep reading this as "The LORD of the Rings" in your title and so hope that 'fantasy world' doesn't take control. LOL!

I've got a couple other crits to make tonight and hope to back to this one as soon as I can.

Stay tuned - looking forward to this one!
~Cleo

[Michelle]

Hi Sue. Thanks for coming back to this. I have been trying to get this last line for a long time. You are right about 'deepest' weakening it. I want that line to insinuate that before one gains height they must gain depth. Your suggestion works very well, but I don't think it gets that meaning across. I'll keep thinking. I might have to settle on something less though.

Thank you my dear friend. I appreciate your fine eye and great suggestions. If something comes to mind conveying my meaning, please, please, let me know.

Michelle

[Michelle]

Hey Lori, I look forward to your return. Thanks for stopping in to say.

my best,

Michelle

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Michelle,

WOW! What a very lovely poem - filled with such 'life', movement, soft rhymes, great word choices and rhythm. You've shown the aging process so cleverly with the change of seasons, the sapling becoming stronger and wiser. With that thought, I have an idea for an easy substitution on that last line: the sprout must tap the wells of deepest springs. How about : the sprout must tap the well of wisdom’s springs ?

Overall, this one is nearly polished to my ear and eye, not much for nibbling, but plenty to enjoy! In this stanza:
**The sunshine bathes my limbs; I want to bask.
**The wind’s caressing fingers tickle me
and droplets freely fall from heaven’s flask.
Green shoots and pithy trunk: I am a tree
**I suggest swapping THE sunshine with SWEET sunshine or some other word besides ‘the’ and THE wind’s with WARM wind’s or something suitable there as well. You've an aweful lot of 'the's that could be weeded out methinks.

Though spring traverses softly- hurls no ice
to thwart the sapling’s vim or test his sap,
let’s share a shady branch of wise advice.
I just love this stanza – so smooth, nice movement and alliteration.

LIFE really is GREAT Michelle, like this poem!

Well done!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Hi Michelle,

I'll ask you to do me a favor >> yourself, actually << and do a search, CTRL-F for the word "the" in the poem, keep hitting "find next" and see if things work for you.

Merlin

[Lady Poet]

Oh Michelle!

This left me breathless. I forgot to breathe while I was reading it. Such exquisite imagery and metaphor and the phrasing and meter...oh, if only I could write like this!
This is a masterpiece of the highest standards in my book! Your last two lines...genius!
It is very lyrical and I would love to know more of this form.

Warm regards, Pami

[heartsong7]

a sprout must delve the depths to drink from springs.?

[Larry]

The Lore of the Rings
a tree, a tree, a tree, a pillar bound
to touch the vaulted sky, deliberate
with clouds and house the birds that flit around
this grove. I need no guidance- life is great.

To reach the height of noble wooded kings,
the sprout must tap the wells of deepest springs.

Michelle,

What a beautiful poem! I hate to even offer a critique for fear it might detract from your work. I would, though, be remiss if I didn't try to assist you in your quest for perfection of your last line. The sapling is learning the lore of the rings from the elder trees so might it "tap the wells our/their knowledge brings"? (Not sure if it is first or second person {tree} there.)

I had one other tiny nit in S4/L4. Seems the sapling is a little rebel in that line and needs no guidance from it's elders; which it is seeking in the rest of the poem. Could the sapling "heed their guidance"?

Take it or toss it...

Larry

[Judi]

Michelle, I think this is absolutely wonderful...I am going to ask Lori if I can nominate it for IBPC consideration this month...Blessings, Judi