FIRST SPRING Options

[Psyche]

REVISION, THANK YOU, ALL !!!


FIRST SPRING

We stripped in the rain,
on an impulse,
and I knew you fully
in our first
inconceivable
kiss.

Wet caresses,
cloudbursts full of pauses,
your mouth on my skin
and the rumour of young reeds
burying roots
in undefiled
earth.

As snowdrops triumph
over winter,
passion sprouted
from our virgin
bodies.

A gust of guileless wind              
sprinkled meadows
with seeds born of desire
in our artless                             
embrace.                                  

Cherry blossoms
and songbirds  
celebrated in the moist air.
She-Earth’s allure                              
was enhanced by our ardour
in that innocent,
irretrievable
Spring.

By Psyche


Copyright Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2005.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Sylvia

You have captured the magic of first, innocent love so well in this wonderful sensual poem.  I loved the images you describe, especially being moved to passion by the rain.

My only comment and this is purely a personal feeling, I am not very keen on the word fecundated.  For me, it seems to be a somewhat clinical word in an otherwise very senual piece.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I have to agree with Nina about the word fecundated.  It doesn't
sound as though it belongs in this wonderful poem.  
Should there be a comma after "urge"?  It feels as though there should
be a pause right there.
Otherwise, it's a beautiful, sensual poem!

Cathy

[Aggiel]

Hi Silvia,

Like everyone says , a sensual poem. I think could have been more real if written in the present tense to capture the moment. Like the imagery used here.

Regards

Aggiel

[Cybele]

Good morning Sylvia,    

Such sensual, innocent passion. Reminds me of Adam and Eve. I think you have captured 'that first fine rapture' beautifully, but like Aggiel, I think this would have incredible impact if written in the present tense.

I also had a slight problem with this stanza.

A gust of guileless wind              
fecundated prairies
with seeds born of desire
in our candid                              
embrace.                         

I too stumbled over fecundated, feeling this would be a word quite foreign to such young lovers.

Perhaps I might offer an alternative for you to consider?

A gust of guileless wind
pollenated prairies
with seeds born of desire


then, I feel 'candid' could be replaced by a slightly more appropriate word bearing in mind 'the guileless wind' indicating honesty or freedom from deceit;  so perhaps

in our artless
embrace.

Just a few thoughts my friend. Loved the read, thank you Sylvia.  :sings:

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Sylvia,

This conjures innocent passion so wonderfully; that innocent, irretrievable spring. Life unfolding in joyful carresses, careless of the weather or anything else.  

We stripped in the rain,
on an impulse,   --- semi colon ?
perhaps some magnetic urge
eager for that first
inconceivable
kiss.

Wet caresses,  --- very sensual indeed
cloudbursts full of pauses,  --- wonderful
your mouth on my skin
and the rumour of young reeds
burying roots
in undefiled  
earth.

As snowdrops triumph  
over winter,
passion sprouted
from our virgin
bodies.

A gust of guileless wind              
fecundated prairies  
with seeds born of desire
in our candid                              
embrace.    

I wondered about the 'fecundated' and 'candid', too - just don't 'feel' quite in keeping with the flow when the rest is so excellent.                              

Cherry blossoms
and songbirds  
celebrated our zeal.  --- not quite sure about 'zeal' ... 'energy' ?
She-Earth’s allure                              
was enhanced by our ardour
in that innocent,
irretrievable
Spring.  fantastic ending - if only we could retrieve the energy and passion of youth and loose the weary cynicism (at least in my case) of the years.

Just a few suggestions to loose or use as you feel is right.

Thanks, Sylvia.

Fran

[Psyche]

Hi Nina !

Thanks so much for your comments. So glad you like the imagery in spite of the use of "fecundated". I shall most certainly try to remedy that. Shall put my thinking-cap on right away !

Hugs,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

I have to agree with Nina about the word fecundated.  It doesn't
sound as though it belongs in this wonderful poem.  
Should there be a comma after "urge"?  It feels as though there should
be a pause right there.
Otherwise, it's a beautiful, sensual poem!

Cathy

G'mornin' Cathy !

Yes, I wanted to take a rest from my usual "protest" stuff !! Nothing like a bit of sensuality to feel good....  :grinning:

Yes, some punctuation is needed in that first stanza. Fran suggests a semi-colon in L2 and you suggest a comma in L3, so I'll definitely revise asap.

Hugs,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

G'mornin' Grace !

So glad to have you back at MM !! And delighted with your pointers for my poem.

Nobody likes fecundated, so it'll be the first word to be ditched...  :speechless:

This poem is an example of how difficult it is to translate from one language to another. I wrote the original version in Spanish, about two years ago, and it was published in our national newspaper La Nación. In Spanish the verb "fecundar" has been used by many poets over the centuries. One could almost say that perhaps biology borrowed it from the poets !!

I had a lot of trouble making this simple English version. You'd have died laughing  :D  :D  :blush21:  :upside:  if I'd made a literal translation from the Spanish !! Romance languages, and especially Latin cultures, are so much more passionate than Germanic ones....  :oops:  ???


Perhaps I might offer an alternative for you to consider?

A gust of guileless wind
pollenated prairies
with seeds born of desire

I still have trouble with the verb for the wind, I'm not quite happy with pollenated either, but will definitely study this problem further.

then, I feel 'candid' could be replaced by a slightly more appropriate word bearing in mind 'the guileless wind' indicating honesty or freedom from deceit;  so perhaps

in our artless
embrace.

I love "artless embrace" !! But I have "guileless" further up, they both end in "less"... maybe it doesn't matter?

I'll also attempt a present tense version and see how I feel with that. However, I might feel a bit embarrassed !! I haven't stripped in the rain recently... This was meant to happen long ago, something totally "irretrievable"... :glare:  :sad2:  :(

Thank you, Grace, I shall post a revised version asap.
Love,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

Dear Fran,

You have an eagle eye for the doubtful words !! They are, in fact, the ones I was most worried about in this version of my Spanish poem.

You've even added "zeal" to the list.  :pharoah2

I'll have to think about these troublesome words, but I'll put in that semi-colon
right away. Thank you so much for your pointers !!

fantastic ending - if only we could retrieve the energy and passion of youth and loose the weary cynicism (at least in my case) of the years.

Dear me, Fran, now you've got me really worried. What's that about your "weary cynicism"  :(    I understand you're a young woman !!  I guess I get weary and maybe cynical at times, but it's mostly transitory and only about some issues.

In spite of my ending about that "....innocent, irretrievable Spring", nevertheless I think (think, mind you...), that fresh love can be reborn again and again, like Spring. And that even in old age one sometimes observes quite "innocent" blossomings of new love...  :cloud9:   Now don't take me literally, the energy and passion of youth wear off, I quite agree, I'm just trying to "save" the true essence of love, never despair, Fran !

Hugs and thank you for the great crit,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi Silvia,

Like everyone says , a sensual poem. I think could have been more real if written in the present tense to capture the moment. Like the imagery used here.

Regards

Aggiel

Hi Aggiel !

I'm glad you appreciate the sensuality I hoped to achieve in my poem.

Two people have suggested the present tense, so I'll certainly take that into account. Can't decide easily, because I am, of course, describing an event that happened in the distant past. Perhaps I have difficulty imagining myself stripping in the rain right now !! Rain is forecast over Buenos Aires this evening, so perhaps I'll dash outside and give it a try....  :rofl:  :blush21:  :oops:
If you see any headlines about an Argentine streaker, you'll know who did it...  :grinning:

Best to you,
Sylvia

[Arnfinn]

Hi Sylvia.

I wont deliver a sermon this time.


We stripped in the rain,
on an impulse;
perhaps some magnetic urge
eager for that first
inconceivable
kiss.

Wet caresses,
cloudbursts full of pauses,
your mouth on my skin
and the rumour of young reeds
burying roots
in undefiled
earth.

As snowdrops triumph
over winter,
passion sprouted
from our virgin
bodies.

A gust of guileless wind              
sprinkled meadows
with seeds born of desire
in our artless                            
embrace.                                  

Cherry blossoms
and songbirds  
celebrated in the moist air.
She-Earth’s allure                              
was enhanced by our ardour
in that innocent,
irretrievable
Spring.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

perhaps some magnetic urge
eager for that first
inconceivable
kiss.


English, is a strange language.

We use the word 'terrific' to say to the reader. Hey, this is great. Yet if you go to the root of the word f [terrere], frighten. terrific means [causing terror]

'that first inconceivable kiss.' meaning 'we didn't think it would happen, it was impulsive'  When in fact it was the first kiss or first born kiss.

Dont mind me though, the phrase reads how you intended.


'cloudbursts full of pauses,'


'and the rumour of young reeds
burying roots
in undefiled
earth.'


'As snowdrops triumph
over winter,'




'A gust of guileless wind              
sprinkled meadows
with seeds born of desire
in our artless                            
embrace.'

'Cherry blossoms
and songbirds  
celebrated in the moist air.'


These selections above, the poetic originality in the imagery depicts a talented artist.
See, I told I woudn't ramble on



Arnie  :troy:  :troy:  :wizard:  :wizard:

[Psyche]

Hi Arnie !  :sun:

It's a cold but cloudless Autumn day, hardly a breeze even. Shall go for a walk later !

Again, my apologies for delayed answers to your invaluable feedback. My husband needs constant care, I'm fortunate to have help but things pile up.

English, is a strange language.

We use the word 'terrific' to say to the reader. Hey, this is great. Yet if you go to the root of the word f [terrere], frighten. terrific means [causing terror]

'that first inconceivable kiss.' meaning 'we didn't think it would happen, it was impulsive'  When in fact it was the first kiss or first born kiss.

Dont mind me though, the phrase reads how you intended.

This is interesting. I only did two years of Latin, forgotten most of it. You've given a good example of the vagaries of the Eng. language. I've also checked in the Oxford, and the use to which we now put the word terrific is, in fact, colloquial. In my country there's a growing tendency to exaggerate feelings, either with wide use of superlatives or with terms such as "hallucinating", "criminal", "genius", "goddess" and so on. Apparently, we
can't communicate with less forceful language !

I do "mind you", Arnie, so I've been thinking about that first stanza. In fact, the poem is an English version of my Spanish original, and I now see that I put nothing about any eager impulses, originally. I'm afraid it reads a lot better in Spanish. Shall now try to remedy the contradiction.

Thank you so much, Arnie, it's good to get me thinkin' cap on... Shock

Best,
Sylvia

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sylvia.  

What a wonderful journey of "First Spring"!  :cloud9:

Thanks for allowing the reader to 'live' in that moment! I've just a few nits for you below to ponder. Mostly, it seems that you've mixed present and past tenses together.

Wonderful read!
~Cleo  :pharoah:



We stripped in the rain,  *No need for a comma here
on an impulse,                 *No need for a comma here
and I knew you fully
in our first
inconceivable
kiss.

Wet caresses,
cloudbursts full of pauses,
your mouth on my skin
and the rumour of young reeds
burying roots    *collided to bury roots ?
in undefiled
earth.

As snowdrops triumph  *add ed - triumphed
over winter,
passion sprouted
from our virgin *virginal ?
bodies.

A gust of guileless wind              
sprinkled meadows
with seeds born of desire
in our artless                            
embrace.                      ***Love this stanza!              

Cherry blossoms
and songbirds  
celebrated in the moist air.
She-Earth’s allure                              
was enhanced by our ardour
in that innocent,
irretrievable
Spring.

[Psyche]

Hi Cleo !  :sun:

Thanks so much for critting my poem. It's been giving me headaches, since it's a translation from my Spanish original. I call them different "versions", since it's impossible to translate literally from one language to another.

Yes, perhaps "virginal" would sound better, and yes, there's a comma problem in the first stanza. Have to mull over the punctuation, because people have given various suggestions. Some poets use very little punctuation (I'm inclined that way, but I notice that here at MM plenty of it is often expected of one... what to do?!)  

The present tense is intentional in "as snowdrops triumph over winter", because they always do (hopefully...  :(  ) , whereas our passion was a "once only" affair... hope that explains it.

Will go over my poem and see what can be done to better it. Thanks a lot, Lori !!
Hugs,
Sylvia  :butterfly: