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> Temptation's Time (old poem), Villanelle #2
AMETHYST
post Dec 12 15, 21:57
Post #1


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Posting this for revisit. An old Villanelle

Temptation's Time

Why steer away from God's abide
into the dark where evil strays.
Be still, my child, stay by my side.

The times have changed some nights I cry
to see unrest erode our ways.
Why steer away from God's abide?

As golden friendships now have died
and many feel they've been betrayed
Be still, my child-stay by my side.

Only the strong of heart reside
herein; hold fast-don't go astray
Why steer away from God's abide

and lose your way upon the tide-
alone, afraid...until you pray...
be still, my child-stay by my side.

The lord can see, his eyes are wide
and strong is he...to save the day...
Why steer away from God's abide,
be still...my child; stay by my side.




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Psyche
post Dec 12 15, 22:54
Post #2


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Hi Liz,
I think this is a lovely, spiritual villanelle. I love this form. BTW, I tried to take a peek with the link you provided on the title, but it didn't work for me. As I'm no expert at R&R, thought I'd learn from what others had said before.
Maybe that was not your intention. Never mind!
It's great to see you posting.




QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Dec 12 15, 23:57 ) *
Posting this for revisit. An old Villanelle

Temptation's Time <<<<<nice alliteration for title.

Why steer away from God's abide <<<<<<didn't know 'abide' could be used this way. But I can't access MM's dictionary, I get a red warning that it's unsafe! I understand you mean his care or abode. Please help me!
into the dark where evil strays.
Be still, my child, stay by my side.

Sounds like an adolescent, yep! Lovely stanza.


The times have changed some nights I cry
to see unrest erode our ways. <<<<<So true, worse than ever.
Why steer away from God's abide?

As golden friendships now have died
and many feel they've been betrayed<<<<<comma here, and then no Cap?
Be still, my child-stay by my side. <<<<<comma instead of dash? TorT!!!

Only the strong of heart reside
herein; hold fast-don't go astray
Why steer away from God's abide

and lose your way upon the tide-
alone, afraid...until you pray...
be still, my child-stay by my side.

Heartfelt stanzas. I'm supposing these are a mother's or father's words?


The lord can see, his eyes are wide
and strong is he...to save the day...
Why steer away from God's abide,
be still...my child; stay by my side.

Powerful religious faith deftly expressed in your villanelle, Liz. Tx for sharing!
Syl***



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Eisa
post Dec 14 15, 13:53
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Hey Liz - it's great to see you posting again. I don't remember this so shall count it as new! magicwink1.png

Temptation's Time

I love the alliteration in the title

Why steer away from God's abide
into the dark where evil strays.
Be still, my child, stay by my side.

Like Syl, I found your use of abide unusual, as it is usually a verb but here you use it as a noun.

The times have changed some nights I cry
to see unrest erode our ways.
Why steer away from God's abide?

I agree here - times have become so worrying.
As golden friendships now have died
and many feel they've been betrayed
Be still, my child-stay by my side.

Only the strong of heart reside
herein; hold fast-don't go astray
Why steer away from God's abide

and lose your way upon the tide-
alone, afraid...until you pray...
be still, my child-stay by my side.

L3 Perhaps a dash instead of ...

The lord can see, his eyes are wide
and strong is he...to save the day...
Why steer away from God's abide,
be still...my child; stay by my side.

I would prefer commas instead of ... in L2 and just delete the dots completely in last line

What a lovely villanelle - I still haven't tried one!

Hugs
Snow


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Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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Luce
post Dec 14 15, 14:33
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Hi Liz,

It looks like you're using the verb "abide" as a synonym for "rule". I can't see it used as "home" since "abode" would fit that one.

However, I'm not quite sure about using the verb in this manner. I've looked it up and I don't see common usage of "abide" in this way.

For this reason, I really can't continue the crit since most of the rhymes are dependent on the use of "abide".

Maybe I'm not aware of other uses that my usual references (Webster dictionary, Thesaurus.com or RhymeZone) may not be listing.
 
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JustDaniel
post Dec 15 15, 07:59
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Hey, Liz...

I love the piece, but unfortunately I too am confused by your use of 'abide'. It's obvious what you intend it to mean, but it feels to me like a sore thumb sticking out, as they say.

What say you?

sLightly trembling, Daniel sun.gif


P.S. You do seem to need to update the link attached to your title. It goes nowhere as of this date.


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AMETHYST
post Dec 21 15, 17:49
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Hello Sylvia, Snow, Luce and Daniel,


Thank you all for some very strong points of revision. As for the use of abide, Luce you are correct about abide, as well as the underlying definition or reference to God's existence where ever it might be to the reader, Yet it was from my archaic days. However, this is a very old poem, so it is due for some revision and freshening up. I do apologize for the link. I thought it worked. I will fix that right a way.

Sylvia, you did pickup on the intent of growth within the poem, much like the push and pull between making choices in line with God and those we face as humans. I think now with some further life experience and changes in opinion I can bring that force to life. Thank you for picking up the seeds, although they were small. It also give a more defined direction.

Snow, I smiled to read your opening line, as it was the same for me, rereading it again since a long time. It was like a whole new poem and I tripped on some things that I hadn't stumbled on before. I am not sure if it is maturity or just distance from the poem. I hope to get your thoughts on the revisions to come. Thank you. I will be using yours and Sly comma suggestions. Although Daniel is supposed to be my gramma patrol! LOL

Hello Daniel, Thank you for your visit. I will be making some progressive changes to this. It has always been one of my favorites because it was my first Villanelle. I hope to hear your thoughts on any revisions brought to this..

Hugs, Liz


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JustDaniel
post Dec 25 15, 04:04
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Sheesh...

I forgot to mention that I think the word that you'd inaccurately recalled is abode . Of course I realize that that discovery must completely change the end rhymes in your villanelle.

sLightly late, Daniel sun.gif


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Larry
post Dec 25 15, 09:59
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Good Morning and Merry Christmas Liz,

I haven't seen this Villanelle before but it was probably before my time with MM. It is beautiful and very timely in this holiday season.

I'm not too worried about the commas, ellipses, dashes, etc.. Those can be worked out at a later date but I, like the others have a problem with using "abide" for your end-rhyme. The song, "Abide With Me" or the saying, "bide your time" point to verb usage and like the others, I could find no place in my reference books, Thesaurus or anywhere else where it might be used as a noun.

So... I looked for appropriate alternatives which you might be able to insert in its place.

and slide / your guide / denied

All of the suggestions would cause you to lose the possessive "God's" and go in a slightly different direction:

Why steer away from God and slide
into the dark where evil strays.

Why steer away from God, your guide,
into the dark where evil strays.

Why steer away from God, denied,
into the dark where evil strays.

There were also a few instances where you switched from present to past tense but those too can be easily fixed.

Well, that is my two cents which you may TOT.

Again, Merry Christmas

Larry







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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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Merlin
post Dec 25 15, 14:03
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Not coming in to do critique, but I'd like to add 2ยข worth and ask if changing things to gerunds would solve issues without changing much? Abiding, sliding, guiding...


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