the worm Options

[Guest_megan_*]

i found your love-letters to me the other day.
they were crumpled in the farthest corner of my drawer
decaying slightly in their shredded demise and suffocation -
under layers of other waste and pieces of paper
like some forgotten frame of film i thought maybe was important
once.

i read them.
and i read them.
and i read them and didn't know whether my stomach
felt like curling into itself, vomiting acid back into my system
in a violent backfire of protest;
or if my eyes could shed some saline on my skin
and somehow purify my eyes from your wreckage and my ruin.

and i crushed them all into my palms until my knuckles went white
my salvation saving me from your dirty words.

i took them to my fire place
where i laid them on the gritty brick
and decapitated the matches from the book and
lit you up.

i saw your ink turn at the edges at the ugly scarification
but i had to do it. i had to. you cannot take any more space and time
and any sort of relativity in my life.
i saw your words bubble and your canvas darken and break apart
at the pores as the lines vanished and your words screamed at me
but i didn't hear a thing.

you surrendered to the ashes as the fire crashed into the soot
and the oxygen depleted from your system.
though you were beyond recognition, i knew you were there.

there were fire-worms in the ashes.

they circled in a manic state, searching for oxygen and food
like some greedy creature desperate for nutrition.
it curled around and around the ashes in distress
and all i could do was look on in silence
as the worms crumpled into themselves
in the darkest corner of my fireplace

and burned out.

[Judi]

i found your love-letters to me the other day.
they were crumpled in the farthest corner of my drawer
decaying slightly in their shredded demise and suffocation -
under layers of other waste and pieces of paper
like some forgotten frame of film i thought maybe was important
once.

i read them.
and i read them.
and i read them and didn't know whether my stomach
felt like curling into itself, vomiting acid back into my system
in a violent backfire of protest;
or if my eyes could shed some saline on my skin
and somehow purify my eyes from your wreckage and my ruin.

and i crushed them all into my palms until my knuckles went white
my salvation saving me from your dirty words.

i took them to my fire place
where i laid them on the gritty brick
and decapitated the matches from the book and
lit you up.

i saw your ink turn at the edges at the ugly scarification
but i had to do it. i had to. you cannot take any more space and time
and any sort of relativity in my life.
i saw your words bubble and your canvas darken and break apart
at the pores as the lines vanished and your words screamed at me
but i didn't hear a thing.

you surrendered to the ashes as the fire crashed into the soot
and the oxygen depleted from your system.
though you were beyond recognition, i knew you were there.

there were fire-worms in the ashes.

they circled in a manic state, searching for oxygen and food
like some greedy creature desperate for nutrition.
it curled around and around the ashes in distress
and all i could do was look on in silence
as the worms crumpled into themselves
in the darkest corner of my fireplace

and burned out.

©2007oblique

Hello Megan...I see you are a new member and so am I. You will find this a wonderful place to learn. Open yourself to other's opinions of your work, and they will help you shape it to its very best!

In reading your poem, I sense a personal involvement in your words, and getting rid of memories that cause us sadness is a sign we are ready to go forward with our lives, for holding on to memories only causes pain. (Been there and done that!)

I would like to offer some suggestions, and I am sure you will get others also. Listen to them all and then go back and in your own words try to work these suggestions into your revised versions. It won't happen in just two revisions...you must be open to repeated suggestions until it is complete. Since I am the first, here we go:


L-1 { i } I found your love-letters {to me} the other day.

L-2 {they} They were crumpled in the {farthest} corner of my drawer

L-3 decaying slightly in their shredded demise and suffocation (How about "fragile and yellowing"..
I'm not sure how letters suffocate)
L-4 under layers of other waste and pieces of paper (How about "Under layers of other
forgotten papers")
L-5 like some forgotten frame of film {i } I thought maybe (How about "like a photograph I
was once important used to think important")

L-6 { i }I read them,

L-7 and{ i } I read them.

L-8 and{ i} I read them and {didn't know whether my stomach How about something more certain, like
felt like curling into itself, vomiting acid back into my system} "I felt like my stomach was closing in
on itself, sending acid back into my
throat in silent protest"

L-9 etc. or if my eyes could shed some saline on my skin I would consider leaving these lines
and somehow purify my eyes from your wreckage and my ruin. out completely.

I will come back later with more suggestions...time is of the essence today on Mother's Day..Maybe you can see where I am coming from and begin some revisions yourself...I want your words to remain Your words, and I have made some suggestions to try to let you see the changes that will let others read your feelings better. Read your poem out loud and try to see where it may not flow as smoothly as it should. Get rid of artlicles that you don't need...(especially the, and, etc) Have a happy Mother's Day too. My regards, Judi

[Guest_megan_*]

Hello Megan...I see you are a new member and so am I. You will find this a wonderful place to learn. Open yourself to other's opinions of your work, and they will help you shape it to its very best!

In reading your poem, I sense a personal involvement in your words, and getting rid of memories that cause us sadness is a sign we are ready to go forward with our lives, for holding on to memories only causes pain. (Been there and done that!)

I would like to offer some suggestions, and I am sure you will get others also. Listen to them all and then go back and in your own words try to work these suggestions into your revised versions. It won't happen in just two revisions...you must be open to repeated suggestions until it is complete. Since I am the first, here we go:


L-1 { i } I found your love-letters {to me} the other day.

L-2 {they} They were crumpled in the {farthest} corner of my drawer

L-3 decaying slightly in their shredded demise and suffocation (How about "fragile and yellowing"..
I'm not sure how letters suffocate)
L-4 under layers of other waste and pieces of paper (How about "Under layers of other
forgotten papers")
L-5 like some forgotten frame of film {i } I thought maybe (How about "like a photograph I
was once important used to think important")

L-6 { i }I read them,

L-7 and{ i } I read them.

L-8 and{ i} I read them and {didn't know whether my stomach How about something more certain, like
felt like curling into itself, vomiting acid back into my system} "I felt like my stomach was closing in
on itself, sending acid back into my
throat in silent protest"

L-9 etc. or if my eyes could shed some saline on my skin I would consider leaving these lines
and somehow purify my eyes from your wreckage and my ruin. out completely.

I will come back later with more suggestions...time is of the essence today on Mother's Day..Maybe you can see where I am coming from and begin some revisions yourself...I want your words to remain Your words, and I have made some suggestions to try to let you see the changes that will let others read your feelings better. Read your poem out loud and try to see where it may not flow as smoothly as it should. Get rid of artlicles that you don't need...(especially the, and, etc) Have a happy Mother's Day too. My regards, Judi

Judi... welcome to the board as well =) and thank you very much for your suggestions... i know this one is rough, and that's exactly why it was posted. i'm not so much into the praise and kudos as much as i am into the constructive criticism, as you have done. it gives me a different perspective of the poem; i am so far into it already, i know it very intimately, that sometimes it's hard to see what else needs to be done to really polish it up.
my mentor once told me something very valuable about criticism: they are another's opinions of your work. don't disregard them, but you don't have to listen to everything they say either. take what you want and throw away the rest.
i've found that to be quite true. i will take all of your suggestions into account and hopefully produce something more finished.
i look forward to reading your work as well.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Megan,

Welcome to Mosaic Musings. I can relate to this offering quite easily, it brought back personal memories of finding trinkets such as letters, that aroused heightened emotions, but it was that moment that helped me to let go of unconscious ties to something that was eating me inside. :) I think you have some strong images here, but there is also a lot of wordiness that keeps the reader trying to center on them. So my suggestions will revolve around weeding out unnecessary words and line breaks that might enhance the crispness of your intent. Please feel free to use what is aimed at your goal for the poem and discard the rest.

I look forward to reading your thoughts on other poems as well. You appear to have a good sense of human insights and that is always a good ingredient for strong poetry.

Best Wishes, Liz ...

found your love-letters to me the other day.
they were crumpled in the farthest corner of my drawer
decaying slightly in their shredded demise and suffocation -
under layers of other waste and pieces of paper
like some forgotten frame of film i thought maybe was important
once.

Taking this first stanza, starting with L1 and L2 - setting a striking first image and easy read is the best hook to draw your reader, edging them on forward. Another thing, it is really my own perference, but caps on beginning of sentences and especially for I, to me, is a sign that someone takes care in their writing. Many choose to go with all lower case, as mentioned it is a perference. However, going that extra effort does add professionalistic touches to the work.

For example:
I found your love-letters the other day,
crumpled in the farthest corner of my drawer.
Slightly decayed in their shredded demise and suffocation -
under layers of other waste,
like some forgotten frame of film I once held important.

What I've done here was to weed out the unnecessary or redundant words-
L1: to me is unnecessary, the reader will automatically assume the narrator is the receiver of these letters.
L2: I suggest omitting they were because as we read we know that the poet is referring to the letters. crumpled in the farthest corner of my drawer The remainder of the line is your stark image and is a good one.
L3: I would suggest reversing decaying slightly
L4: I would suggest omitting and pieces of paper, as under layers of other waste indicate such.
L5: again like some forgotten frame of film is a strong image. While i thought maybe was important once. is a bit wordy and is thick with hesitation. Perhaps I once held important, which is a statement of conviction. A truth of the narrator.

i read them.
and i read them.
and i read them and didn't know whether my stomach
felt like curling into itself, vomiting acid back into my system
in a violent backfire of protest;
or if my eyes could shed some saline on my skin
and somehow purify my eyes from your wreckage and my ruin.

Although I see that your intent is to 'show' that the narrator had reread them over again many times, the repeat doesn't work for me. To my ear, it is more tell that way. The choice of words might be improved, such as voimitting, seemed awkward, as I get into the story, I get the feeling that the narrator reads the letters and becomes ill, nauseous, acid upsurging within herself- but not physically throwing up.

I loved the final line, but offer a weeded out suggestion of it to hone in on the raw shocking power of the image. Nicely done, Megan!

Perhaps ...

My stomach curled inside itself,
as I read each word. Acid wrenched,
backfire of protest;
if my eyes could tear against my skin,
somehow purify your wreckage from my ruin.

and i crushed them all into my palms until my knuckles went white
my salvation saving me from your dirty words.

i took them to my fire place
where i laid them on the gritty brick
and decapitated the matches from the book and
lit you up.

I would suggest combining the couplet with the following stanza. Of course simple weeding out to secure those full and vital meanings you've done so well to capture.

I crushed them all into my palms,
knuckles white, balled into my fisted grip,
my salvation saving me from your dirty words.

i took them to my fire place
where i laid them on the gritty brick
and decapitated the matches from the book and
lit you up

Some considerations on other word choices that you might ponder... Like 'took' in L1, perhaps ... hauled them, raced them to my fire place. L2, I would suggest omitting 'where I laid them,' perhaps making use of some alliteration here, like heaved them onto the gritty brick.
In L3, I like the use of decapitated, I never looked at a book of matches as if the heads are being taken off... nice angle. Fresh and original. :)

Example:

I hauled to my fire place,
then heaved them onto the gritty brick;
decapitated the matches from the book
and lit you up

i saw your ink turn at the edges at the ugly scarification
but i had to do it. i had to. you cannot take any more space and time
and any sort of relativity in my life.
i saw your words bubble and your canvas darken and break apart
at the pores as the lines vanished and your words screamed at me
but i didn't hear a thing.

Again, some weeding out. There is some excellent images and angles, original ideas going on here and I would like to see them stand out ...

Your inked edges turned
at the ugly scarification. I had to do this ...
I'll not sacrifice any more space or time
on you ... no sort of relativity in my life.

(suggest stanza breaking here)

I watched woeful words
bubble and your canvas darken,
and break apart at the pores.
The lines vanished. Your verse screamed
at me, as I turned a deafened ear. (perhaps...)

you surrendered to the ashes as the fire crashed into the soot
and the oxygen depleted from your system.
though you were beyond recognition, i knew you were there.

Suggest omitting this whole stanza.

there were fire-worms in the ashes.

Love this line. I really like that it stands on its own, like a bridge from the last point into this next view. It is a strong line and the stanza just before added nothing, but sort of reiteriated what has been said. Also in the next coming stanza...has a lot of overused words... Let's see what we can do...

they circled in a manic state, searching for oxygen and food
like some greedy creature desperate for nutrition.
it curled around and around the ashes in distress
and all i could do was look on in silence
as the worms crumpled into themselves
in the darkest corner of my fireplace
and burned out.

©2007oblique

The ending line here is wonderful. I think there is too much excess for the reader to finally get to it, some further ideas on weeding...


Encircled in a manic state, searching for oxygen,
like some greedy creature, desperate.
Curling about the ashes while all i could do
was look on silently.
Worms crumpled into themselves
in the darkest corner of my fireplace
and burned out.

or perhaps the final line could be .... I burned you out.

[Guest_megan_*]

Liz... thank you!
i will of course take all of your suggestions into account... i could really see where i could improve in some parts, where i could stretch on others, and where some articles aren't necessary.
perhaps a revised version will find its way back on this board: for now i will get to revising it =) i have a lot to work with! again, thank you.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Megan,

Welcome aboard. Your fresh input is timely as a rush of new members recently joined.

I am weak on free verse, but like to dauble to learn and expand. My bias is short n sweet, positive nouns, strong verbs, and minimal modifiers and articles. I also prefer proper English grammar. However, poetry is a art and if we all painted with identical brush a camera would do.

I would like to tackle your first stanza as an example:

i found your love-letters to me the other day.
I found your love-letters to me
or
I found your love-letters
or
I found love-letters
they were crumpled in the farthest corner of my drawer
crumpled in a drawer
decaying slightly in their shredded demise and suffocation -
decaying in shredded demise and suffocated
under layers of other waste and pieces of paper
under waste and paper
like some forgotten frame of film i thought maybe was important
once.
like important film forgotten.

I agree with previous comments by others; however, a few more coins in the fountain help pay the water bill.

Don