The Butter Drips, IT couplets Options

[jgdittier]

Revision

Let me regale you with my squib,
a lobster "bit" me through my bib.
Tho' he'd been steamed and turned cerise,
his nipper nipped my chin, that beast!
And so I drowned his flesh, so white
in butter drawn to taste excite.
Then sprinkled "pap"* and dosed with salt
for that homarus** to exalt.
So I with drop of blood on chin,
now set my jaws to send my grin.
My uvula looks down to see
the glory passing in to me.
And e'en my belly, well endowed,
will smile with navel, dimple proud.
So some might say, "he's but a bug"!
More ugly than a slimy slug...
But close your eyes and taste buds rule.
If but a bug, then you're a fool!

Changes and notes
line5-that to his
line6- let the inversion stay as I write old fashioned and there's one in line 8
line 8-exault to exalt
line 10-interchanged send and set
ending-left as was as poem is to be read to a steak eater when we're all having lobster



Let me regale you with my squib,
a lobster "bit" me through my bib.
Tho' he'd been steamed and turned cerise,
His nipper nipped my chin, that beast!
And so I drowned that flesh , so white.
in butter drawn to taste excite.
Then sprinkled "pap'* and dosed with salt,
for that homarus** to exault.
And I with drop of blood on chin
must send my jaws to set my grin.
My uvula looks down to see
the glory passing in to me.
And e'en my belly, well endowed,
will smile with navel, dimple proud.
So some might say, "he's but a bug"!
More ugly than a slimy slug.
But close your eyes and taste buds rule.
If but a bug, then you're a fool!
*paprika
**lobster

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Teehee!  If I liked lobster I'd be drooling!  Never tasted it though.

That poor lobster ... *still chuckling I am!*  I absolutely love the
rhythm in this.  You make it look so easy or I make it seem so
hard!  The imagery will either make you hungry or send you into
spurts of laughter ... maybe both!

More ugly than a slimy slug

If that's what it's like as they go down I want no part of it!  Ugh!

I think I'll leave the seafood to someone else ... but I thoroughly
enjoyed the poem!

Cathy

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Ron

A great rhyme and tale.  Personally I'd steer well clear of the lobster in the first place not being a seafood eater.

Enjoyed the poem though

Nina

[Guest_Maxim_*]

This is a culinary (and literary) delight! Although crustaceans are a bit crunchy for my taste - especially the ones that "bite" back!

I have a couple of suggestions:

I can see how in line 6 "taste excite" fits in with the senses/body theme but for me the inversion catches the flow a bit. How about something like:
    "in butter to repay that slight."  You may then what to consider changing "that beast!" to "the beast!" to reduce the number of "that"s.

Typo in line 8 "exault"=> "exalt"

"must send my jaws to set my grin" - did you intend "send" or 'rend'? Or maybe I am not quite getting the sense you intend here?

In line 15 I would suggest swapping "So" for "though" ( Tho' ), repetition notwithstanding, to set up for the counter that comes later.

For me the last line seems out of theme. A suggestion for an alternative close:
"But close your eyes, let taste buds school (as a verb)
that such a bug can make one drool!"

These are just my ersonal suggestions and I loved this piece overall, so please leave then on the side of the plate if they are not to your taste.

Thanks for sharing.

MaXiM

[jgdittier]

Dear Maxim,
I like all your ideas and after a day or two for other input, I'll finalize with your suggestions.
Cheers,    Ron  jgd

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Jgd

A delicious feast and probably well worth a nipped chin (certainly made a good tail ... ahem).

Then sprinkled "pap'* and dosed with salt,
for that homarus** to exault.

What a lovely use of his name, lol

and I think I'm with Cathy - the line

More ugly than a slimy slug

is fantastic :pharoah2

Maybe you could think about one or two of the 'that's - eg

His nipper nipped my chin, that beast!
And so I drowned that flesh , so white

Chuckling! Thanks for the wonderful read.

Fran

[jgdittier]

Dear All,
Seems like lobsters are not so popular in the Isles.
Here in New England most folks think of them as the ultimate meal.
The story behind this goes to to my closing line, which is meant to prod a friend who doesn't like them and never ate one.
As a child I once told my mother I didn't like brussels sprouts. She asked If I'd tasted them and I said I hadn't but didn't like them anyway. She nodded and smiled.
Later that night she appeared with a candy bar in a wrapper, unwrapped it and ate it in front of me. Later she explained that it was a new brand and so she assumed that since I knew I disliked things I hadn't tasted...
Cheers,    Ron   jgd
Ps- I posted the revision above the original

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Ron.  :wizard:

This clever piece could be about a few different crustaceans I know!


I say, "Let them drip butter!" It's the only way to eat 'em!  :laugh:


A couple of ideas are below for you to ponder..

Cheers!
~Cleo  :galadriel:

{delete} [add]


Tho' he'd been steamed and turned cerise,
his nipper nipped my chin, that beast!
The NERVE!

And so I drowned his flesh, so white
in butter drawn to taste[,] excite (or delight ?).

So I with drop of blood on chin,
now set my jaws to {send} [wide] my grin.

But close your eyes[,] {and} [let] taste buds rule.
If but a bug, then you're a fool!

Maybe I should order the or  :turkey2: ?

[Cybele]

Good morning Ron,

Well you certainly got my taste buds excited this morning. Lobster is probably my favourite food although I don't often get the chance to indulge.

It was our Christmas Dinner last year in Jamaica, sitting staring at a glorious sunset with the scent of bougainvilea, frangipani in a vase on the table adding to the delights of the meal!

Just a couple of tiny nits Ron for you to consider of chuck.

[b]
Let me regale you with my squib,
a lobster "bit" me through my bib.   ( No parenthasis on   bit )
Tho' he'd been steamed and turned cerise,
his nipper nipped my chin, that beast!      (the beast! )
And so I drowned his flesh, so white
in butter drawn to taste excite.    (not sure that 'drawn' works here ~ maybe  in butter taste buds to excite?)
Then sprinkled "pap"* and dosed with salt
for that homarus** to exalt.
So I with drop of blood on chin,
now set my jaws to send my grin. (and fixed my grin? don't quite get 'send' )
My uvula looks down to see
the glory passing in to me.  ( great picture)
And e'en my belly, well endowed, (drop and and write even in full?)
will smile with navel, dimple proud.
So some might say, "he's but a bug"!
More ugly than a slimy slug...      (how cruel!  )
But close your eyes and taste buds rule.
If but a bug, then you're a fool!


You have me drooling Ron. Thanks for the read. I now have to save my pennies to be able to afford to enjoy such a meal!  

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo and Grace,
I relish the opportunity to discuss suggested changes as it gives us a chance to understand each's style and thought processes better and that, I think, is the prescription to better critiquing.
Line6, I'll add the comma. I read it as if it were there, so it should be there.
Delight or excite. I like excite, because while eating a lobster is both,  the lobster excotes me in that people watch for mistakes and for opportunities to tell you where it splashed or that the butter is too rich for you.
The jaws/grin bit I "corrected" by interchanging the verbs which was a typo. I wanted those s sounds.
And vs. let-"Let" suggests to me that I'm in charge. "And" suggests that fate has it. That's why it's exciting.
Cleo, if we ever meet I'll treat you to a whole-lobster dinner if you'll consent to let me stare at you while you eat it!
Thanks for the comments.

DEar Grace,
The quotation marks around "bit" are to suggest that it's a lie. The lobster was already cooked.
line4- I first had "the", changed it to that to focus attention on the lobster.
"Drawn" was used as it was "drawn" butter, the whitish,  curdy surface decanted off.
The line is to read:
and E'EN my BELly, WELL enDOWed
(My greatest diversion from the mainstream is my penchant for metre)
Dear Grace, your words that make my day are your mention of "the glory passing in to me", from the uvula's perspective. That was my favorite piece of the verse and you noted it!

May all who enjoy lobster, enjoy a lobster!
Cheers,   Ron  jgd