 Woodland Walk, Flash response |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
| Guest_Cathy_* |
 Jul 8 06, 23:51
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#1
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Woodland Walk
The snap of wood beneath my feet negated thoughts of mere discreet, while traveling down the path I beat (with hopes of shrinking rear-end seat). A soft weak sound attracted ear, (I had to strain to actually hear) a mewling whisper ... low but near, just to my left, behind large rear. I parted brush and took a chance, so hoping for enlightening glance. The light was dim, did not enhance attempts to court this wood-land dance. A touch of white that I could see, I hied my steps, ahead of me it stopped to stare; I turned to flee. My walk then ran intensively. Cathy Bollhoefer copyright July2006 |
  
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| Guest_Nina_* |
Jul 9 06, 00:14
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#2
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Hi Cathy
It's good to see this posted in Hermes, I very much enjoyed it. A very well crafted flash and I love the gentle humour that comes across. A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish [add] {delete} comment The snap of wood beneath my feet negated thoughts of mere discreet, while traveling down the path I beat (with hopes of shrinking rear-end seat). ...brill A soft[,] weak sound attracted ear, (I had to strain to actually hear) ...somehow actually doesn't flow too well for me, how about truly. a mewling whisper ... low but near, just to my left, behind large rear. I parted brush and took a chance, so hoping for enlightening glance. The light was dim, did not enhance attempts to court this wood{-}land dance. A touch of white that I could see, I hied my steps, ahead of me ...hied is a new word for me, I've never come across it before and it did cause me to pause wondering if you had made a typo, lol it stopped to stare; I turned to flee. My walk then ran intensively. Thanks for the read Nina |
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Jul 9 06, 04:38
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#3
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE(Cathy @ Jul 9 06, 04:51 ) [snapback]78312[/snapback] Woodland Walk The snap of wood beneath my feet<<< Good opening line. Imaginative.  negated thoughts of mere discreet, while traveling down the path I beat (with hopes of shrinking rear-end seat). A soft weak sound attracted ear, (I had to strain to actually hear) a mewling whisper ... low but near, just to my left, behind large rear.<<< Hmm... Hippo rhyme I parted brush and took a chance, so hoping for enlightening glance. The light was dim, did not enhance attempts to court this wood-land dance. A touch of white that I could see, I hied my steps, ahead of me it stopped to stare; I turned to flee.<<< Is the endstop intentional? My walk then ran intensively. Cathy Bollhoefer copyright July2006 Nothing like a walk to aid the digestion. The poem you wrote has me baffled? Not the end rhyme though. A flowing ^^.   I thought the opening line was very good. A good opening line makes a poem, then again, 'wood' seems a bit obtuse  how about 'twig'?  John  
·······  ·······Arnfinn
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Jul 9 06, 07:33
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#4
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QUOTE(Nina @ Jul 9 06, 05:14 ) [snapback]78314[/snapback] Hi Cathy
It's good to see this posted in Hermes, I very much enjoyed it. A very well crafted flash and I love the gentle humour that comes across. Thanks Nina! A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish [add] {delete} comment The snap of wood beneath my feet negated thoughts of mere discreet, while traveling down the path I beat (with hopes of shrinking rear-end seat). ...brill LOL Thanks again! A soft[,] weak sound attracted ear, (I had to strain to actually hear) ...somehow actually doesn't flow too well for me, how about truly. a mewling whisper ... low but near, just to my left, behind large rear. I wondered about that too but when you run it together into two syllables it works. LOL I will probably change it though and 'truly' would add alliteration. Thanks! I parted brush and took a chance, so hoping for enlightening glance. The light was dim, did not enhance attempts to court this wood{-}land dance. A touch of white that I could see, I hied my steps, ahead of me ...hied is a new word for me, I've never come across it before and it did cause me to pause wondering if you had made a typo, lol it stopped to stare; I turned to flee. My walk then ran intensively. I'm not even sure where I picked that up! I just remembered that it meant 'to hurry' (and more) so it worked for me! Thanks for the read Nina Your welcome! Thanks for the crit! Cathy |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Jul 9 06, 07:38
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#5
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QUOTE(Arnfinn @ Jul 9 06, 09:38 ) [snapback]78319[/snapback] Nothing like a walk to aid the digestion. The poem you wrote has me baffled? Not the end rhyme though. A flowing ^^. I thought the opening line was very good. A good opening line makes a poem, then again, 'wood' seems a bit obtuse how about 'twig'? John Hi John! It's good to hear from you! Hope this finds you better! You are right about 'wood' and I will use your suggestion. Thanks! As for the end stop ... yes it was intentional but it would work without one wouldn't it? I will consider it. Anyhoo, thanks for dropping in to give your opinion. Valued and appreciated!  Cathy |
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