today I saw the world Options

[Guest_dflore_*]

it was out of breath
pale, searching it's pockets for change
it was like a car popping its tire
while trying to escape something that wasn't even chasing it
the world today was frightened
it's sky was collapsing into cement and brick
that already had started to crack
I turned into a baby wailing today as I saw the world
it was like the earth was my parents arguing over my crib
tonight when I rest I will dream of the world I saw long ago
when the sun was a sparkler that hadn't fizzled out
I will see this earth wrapped back up in the blanket of God's universe
this world is an abandoned child wishing that his pillow was his mother's lap
heaven I guess is him hearing her walking into his room

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Daniel, I loved the opening lines, and was expecting a lot more but it sort of all just fizzled out for me after the third line and became just a ragged limp rant. Sorry but thats the way it read to me, I would love to see you come back and put some more punch into this.

take care
Steve

[saore]

I think I already critique this in another forum. Good luck with it Dan.


Sergio

[Peterpan]

I have to say that I love it! Every word!

Bev

[Psyche]

Hey Dan! This is a marvellous poem. I love the way you've handled the issue of an unloved world, which it really is, they way things stand today. Not that nobody cares for the planet, but the powerful ones just tread over and destroy all the world's natural beauties.

Your finale is very sad, it makes me want to cry. Just so...

I suppose my only question is that you've strayed from the traditional gender of the world, but why not? Just coz the Greeks called her Gaia doesn't mean we all have to follow suit...

Psyche