 VIN EGRE, Written to a picture of a very rusty lock |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jun 3 10, 03:45
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends  |
VYN EGRE
There were those times, far distant now when young desire for love would swell; then, as we yearned for Venus’ touch fall foul of pig lock’s fettered hell. How in those times we sought the key to undo heaven’s mighty gates, and failed. Thus did reality ban us to barrèd, barren fates. Now, you prize prison as a crown, triumphant boasts, mind over flesh; though what you guard so zealously is through much time no longer fresh but witherèd upon sad vine : old chastity’s vyn egre, not wine. Alan McAlpine Douglas vyn egre - old French for vinegar ·······  ······· |
  
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Jun 4 10, 14:57
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#2
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 11,389 Joined: 15-June 07 From: Springfield, Louisiana Member No.: 446 Real Name: Larry D. Jennings Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Just wondered in. |
Hey Alan,
Methinks that lock, rusted or not, is but a belt constructed to frustrate any and all men. A smile, though wry, was brought forth by your poem. No crits or nits. Maybe, by now, a nit or two exists if the lock is extremely rusted. Larry ······· ·······When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers. Larry D. Jennings MM Award Winner       |
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Jun 4 10, 23:51
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#3
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 Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
Alan,
I truly enjoyed reading this, to me you used a very unique way for the reader to draw upon the subject matter. I may not know much of poetry writing, but I admire how your poem flowed as I read it, and the choice of words was perfect. I couldnt help but smile as I read it. Frustration is all over it. :) Hugs Kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 5 10, 00:36
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#4
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Larry,
Thank you, I really enjoyed writing this. Surely such a lock would also frustrate the ladies too ? I understand that the oriental harem was a device for keeping the LADIES down ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jun 5 10, 00:41
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#5
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Kimi,
Thank you so much for your lovely response ! I did enjoy writing this one. Was a tad concerned that the subject might not strike a chord with the ladies, but you have laid my doubts to rest. On reading what you say, and then the poem again, it seems to me I am also talking about that old Aesop's fable concept of "sour grapes" ! LOVED your line about frustration being all over it ! Could be a subject for a reply poem from you ? Love Alan ······· ······· |
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Jun 5 10, 14:22
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#6
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 Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Alan -
An amusing little adult comedy. Perhaps everything has a shelf life?? You almost had me feeling sorry the guy but as all women know (and men can't fathom) is the lock can easily be opened with a little kindness. The secret (key) is a man must work at it long before they try to open the lock and not five minutes before. I'll close with that as I'm beginning to feel like a love-lorn columnist. Robin ······· ······· |
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Jun 5 10, 15:34
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#7
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Babylonian Posts: 79 Joined: 31-December 09 From: montana, USA Member No.: 992 Real Name: Kim Rodriguez Writer of: Newbie to Writing Referred By:merle |
Alan
Glad I could put your mind at rest. :) And I will take your suggestion as my next subject. Thank you Hugs kimi ······· ·······If God is your co-pilot, you might want to switch seats. :)
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Jun 5 10, 16:15
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#8
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Robin,
Aha, an expert; but I have to say, in the meta-physical, while I, as a poor only male, was writing in the realms of the (im)pure physical ! And yes, I guess everything would have an on-the-shelf life too. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Jun 5 10, 20:36
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#9
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Alan, If only you would oil those locks they might not have rusted...lol. And sometimes the most expensive of wines can turn out to be vinegar. But vinegar can be useful in its own way, makes for some delightful pickles. I drink the fruit of the vine and every thing's fine, but if you're trying to escape, that nasty old grape will pull you down and rape your mind.
Take care Steve |
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Jun 6 10, 00:38
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#10
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Steve,
Thank you. I see you are in good punning mood ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Jun 6 10, 15:03
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#11
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Alan, Yep had a very good day yesterday and today has been good so far.
Take care Steve |
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Jul 9 10, 14:21
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#12
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Alan,
I enjoyed the smooth rhythms in this one and have no nits! I like the imagery in this: How in those times we sought the key to undo heaven’s mighty gates, and failed. Thus did reality ban us to barred and barren fates. A philosophical view!  Enjoyed, ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner       |
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Jul 9 10, 22:02
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#13
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Lori,
So nice of you to un-lock this one again ! Thank you for the kind words, and for the chance to reread both the poem and all lovely comments ! Love Alan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_bombadil1247_* |
Aug 4 10, 07:25
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#14
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Hi, Alan,
such a lovely read, reminded me a little of Marvell's 'Coy Mistress' both in content and form - fyi that is a particular favourite of mine. QUOTE fall foul of pig lock’s barrèd hell. How in those times we sought the key to undo heaven’s mighty gates, and failed. Thus did reality ban us to barred and barren fates. I want to address my comments to this section and the use of 'barrèd', I think it would be more effective to have the stressed version highlighting the 'barren' image (lose the 'and' there); this would strengthen the alliteration and assonance of that line. Of course, that image would lose its impact if the first occurence remained as is; I would offer 'fettered hell' for consideration to continue the 'f' alliteration and maintain the intent. Yours to use or lose of course, Jim |
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Aug 4 10, 08:19
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#15
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 3,446 Joined: 16-October 06 From: UK Member No.: 298 Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends |
Dear Jim,
Anyone who says my work reminds him even a little of Marvell can't be all bad, thank you very much ! I have carefully thought about you comments, and have to say you arte spot on so I have revised to your precise prescription. You probably know I take much persuading to make changes. Love Alan ······· ······· |
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