 Autumn's Recess [title revised June 15, 2010], formerly known as After Summer Showers |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jun 14 10, 14:56
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#21
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 Assyrian  Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site  |
Hi Cleo -
Thanks for the thumbs-up and typing revision in the title section. I'm considering changing the word 'vivid' to 'living' so the reader understands I'm talking about leaves. Any opinion? Robin ·······  ······· |
  
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Jun 14 10, 16:30
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#22
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 862 Joined: 25-June 04 From: Ohio, USA Member No.: 70 Real Name: Susan Eckenrode Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Merlin |
Merle,
I rather liked the wonderful imagery of "patchwork" for the clouds. I'm not seeing clouds as being "watchful" re: the line about the leaves... I had no trouble recognizing the intent. You may be over-thinking there... I'm wondering if the concept of "living gold" to describe the leaves will work. I always thought that the change of color meant they were dead (or dying) How about "vivid golds and leafy greens." As I mentioned in my previous post (which I guess you must have missed) I really like this lovely lyrical piece and see little need to change any of it. Now I'm probably over-thinking, but maybe since you mention the leaves being gold and the busy squirrels, perhaps the title should be about Autumn? Sue ······· ······· |
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Jun 14 10, 23:06
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#23
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Sue -
I do apologize, I did miss your earlier comment. For whatever reason I don't always receive a notification in my email when someone responds. You're right, this is beginning to sound more like autumn than summer isn't it? Hmmm...a new title might be in order. Any ideas? My only reason for not favoring 'patchwork' is because it has been overused and I wanted something different, interesting, a little more somber than the gaiety I tried to portray in the rest of the poem. I'm not too sure of 'leafy greens', kind of puts me in the mood for a salad. :) Robin ······· ······· |
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Jun 15 10, 05:24
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#24
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hmmmm = how about 'quilted' instead of patchwork? That would add alliteration to clouds.
 My personal preference of vivid v. living is to stay with your original: vivid... love how that word rolls off the tongue. 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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Jun 15 10, 09:42
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#25
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 862 Joined: 25-June 04 From: Ohio, USA Member No.: 70 Real Name: Susan Eckenrode Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Merlin |
"not too sure of 'leafy greens', kind of puts me in the mood for a salad. :)"
Ha! you're right, it does sound like that. I agree that "vivid" does have a nice ring to it... and much prefer it over "living" If you're going for a more somber feeling than "patchwork" gives, how about "brooding clouds" this puts me in mind of an Indian Summer scene... you know, when the leaves are just starting to change after a cold snap and the weather has warmed up again to give us a few summer-like days. maybe something like..."Indian Summer Respite" Sue ······· ······· |
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Jun 15 10, 13:57
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#26
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hello Cleo & Sue -
Ok, ok ..I'll keep 'vivid'. Lol I do like the word 'quilted' better than 'patchwork' but still not sure. And Indian Summer Respite is really good but not as playful as I'd like. What about Indian Summer Recess? Recess brings to mind children given a chance to play outside during school hours. Or...Autumn's Recess? Robin ······· ······· |
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Jun 15 10, 14:47
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#27
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 862 Joined: 25-June 04 From: Ohio, USA Member No.: 70 Real Name: Susan Eckenrode Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Merlin |
I vote for "Autumn's Recess" because it paints a picture of a brief respite from the cold that is to come... when instead of summer-like showers there will be frost and snow.
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Jun 15 10, 15:56
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#28
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Assyrian Posts: 262 Joined: 4-February 09 Member No.: 756 Real Name: Robin DeWalt Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Winning Writer's web site |
Hi Sue -
I'm off to revise the title. Thank you so much for continually coming back to help me on this one. Robin ······· ······· |
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