Tell-tale Fingerprints, New title for Mundane Day Options

[Eisa]

I've written a second version after reading Steve's suggestion on being more 'tongue in cheek' ... but have I given away the surprise ending?

VERSION TWO

Tell-tale Fingerprints


… baby’s crying.


Busy hands scrub
caked baked bean sauce
from last night’s dishes
cramming the sink.


Hush baby … don’t cry.


The ironing tower tumbles
onto mud-printed floor
-- mop’s mislaid,
I must clean up this domain.


…baby’s still crying! Is it a virus?
… contact help line


… but first I’ll clean the windows, before
yesterday’s fingerprints are spotted;
clean the spiders from their web.


Oh stop crying baby! I’ve no time for your games.


Damn big baby eyes!
I can’t resist a peep at your face any longer.

I’ll check security … messages
… games


Mmm ... Mama loves to play with her baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1st St was

My busy hands scrub
baked bean sauce
caked on last night’s dishes
crammed into the sink.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

VERSION ONE (ORIGINAL)

… the baby’s crying.

My hands are busy scrubbing
caked-on baked bean sauce
from last night’s dishes
left crammed into the sink
-- clean grimy windows before
the sunshine spotlights fingerprints.

Hush baby … don’t cry.

Dirty laundry pleads to look pristine,
an ironing tower teeters, tumbling
over on the mud-printed floor
-- mop’s mislaid

… and baby’s still crying!

Stop! – there’s no time for games,
I must iron out the wrinkles
left from yesterday's creases.

Oh! … that baby.

Damn those big baby eyes …
I can’t resist my screen any longer

I’ll check messages … the forums …
… sell that unwanted gift on eBay

Mmm ... how Mama loves to play with her baby.

[ace]

Elisa
Well, first, and maybe foremost, you got me. But I did get a good chuckle from this one.
And it is certainly true; are you like me and find it almost impossible to pass the computer without checking it?
I like your title fine, but maybe you could find a computer phrase, like "binary blues" or "modem times?
You use terrific alliteration throughout.
Good job.



ace

[Alan]

Dear Eisa,

If you have revised several times, I think the best I can do for you is to make changes to see if any of my alts chime with you. Adopt, adapt, or chuck

Love
Alan

MUNDANE - or - Mun Day ?

Baby, crying.

Hands scrub
caked baked bean sauce
from last night’s dishes
crammed in the sink
-- clean grimed windows -
sunshine highlights prints.

Hush baby … don’t cry.

Laundry pleads to look pristine,
ironing towers, tumbling
onto mud-print floor
-- mop mislaid

… baby, still crying!

Stop! – no time for games,
must iron wrinkles
from yesterday's creases.

Oh! … that baby.

Damn big baby eyes …
can’t resist screen any longer

Check messages … forums …
… eBay an unwanted gift

Mmm ... Mama loves to play with baby.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Snow, I love to play with my baby also...lol. I like this a lot, but wondered if maybe you could have been more tounge in cheek with it. Like the line:
'-- clean grimy windows before'
perhaps 'Clean my windows before the fingerprints are spotted,' sort of indicateing the Operating System, that is if you use 'Windows' ...just my thoughts running off into a tangent. Very well done as is.
Steve

[Eisa]

Elisa
Well, first, and maybe foremost, you got me. But I did get a good chuckle from this one.
And it is certainly true; are you like me and find it almost impossible to pass the computer without checking it?
I like your title fine, but maybe you could find a computer phrase, like "binary blues" or "modem times?
You use terrific alliteration throughout.
Good job.
ace

LOL! - glad I got you! When I wrote the original of this (in R&M) someone thought it was going to be about child abuse, as I was trying to ignore a crying baby! LOL!

Yes Ace - I do find it impossible to pass my computer, but then I'm stuck there when I should be doing other things!

I like your idea of a title which originates from the computer -- I'll think on that.

Thanks
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Alan - you have made me realise that although I've revised this a few times, I can still trim it back quite a lot & I like a lot of your ideas. Trimming is often a very gradual process for me and you have opened my eyes to new possibilities.

Thanks
Snow

btw - never be afraid to suggest anything new just because I've revised a few times, I often revise many times & end up with a different poem! LOL!!!!!

[Eisa]

Snow, I love to play with my baby also...lol. I like this a lot, but wondered if maybe you could have been more tounge in cheek with it. Like the line:
'-- clean grimy windows before'
perhaps 'Clean my windows before the fingerprints are spotted,' sort of indicateing the Operating System, that is if you use 'Windows' ...just my thoughts running off into a tangent. Very well done as is.
Steve

Steve - what a great idea! Cleaning windows on the computer - now you have got me thinking!
... that could even give me a new title. I'm going to give this some thought.

Thanks
Snow

[Daniel Barlow]

Very cohesive, authentic and smooth.

I was completely surprised and delighted by the ending.

I've missed you Snow, and missed your work.

DB

[Eisa]

Very cohesive, authentic and smooth.

I was completely surprised and delighted by the ending.

I've missed you Snow, and missed your work.

DB

Hi Daniel

Thanks for commenting - I've tried revising from a different angle - not sure about it. What do you think?

Snow

[Daniel Barlow]

Hey Snow,

it's hard to be an unbiased judge here since I already knew the ending but, yes, I think you did. Also (and no disrespect intended to you or those who offered invaluable feedback) I far prefer the first version and its extended syntax.

I hope in saying that I haven't outworn my welcome at mm

[Eisa]

Hey Snow,

it's hard to be an unbiased judge here since I already knew the ending but, yes, I think you did. Also (and no disrespect intended to you or those who offered invaluable feedback) I far prefer the first version and its extended syntax.

I hope in saying that I haven't outworn my welcome at mm

I've always appreciated your honesty, Daniel and I think you're right, I've given away too much for the surprise ending. I'll see what others think, but I'll probably tweak the original.

Snow

You will certainly not wear out your welcome here!

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Eira, Eisa, Snow, I think I have mentioned you by all three names but never thought to ask which you prefer. Anyway, I loved the second version, with tounge planted firmly in cheek, and it gives slightly more away so that the ending isn't quite a huge surprise, I think that you could probalby make each poem a seperate but equal entity. I oft find that I can have either several beginings with same ending or endings with same begining, I usually just name them poem 1-whatever and when I go looking at them in my records, I just know that they are similar. Your title had me leaning toward a more Poe-ish type of reading which made the cheekiness stand out. Great stuff here...
Steve

[Alan]

Dear Eisa,

I prefer the 2nd version, but even then I have found a few places to tighten up !

Take or bake, as they say !

Love
Alan



VERSION TWO

Tell-tale Fingerprints

… baby’s crying.

Busy hands scrub
caked* baked bean sauce
from* last night’s dishes
cramming the sink.

Hush baby … don’t cry.

The ironing tower tumbles
onto mud-printed floor
-- mop mislaid,
I must clean up this domain.


…baby’s still crying! A virus?
… contact help line

… first I’ll clean the windows, before
yesterday’s fingerprints are spotted;
clean spiders from their web.

Oh stop crying baby!
I’ve no time for your games.

Damn big baby eyes!
I can’t resist a peep at your face any longer.

I’ll check security … messages
… games

Mmm ... Mama loves to play with baby.

[Alan]

Dear Snow,

One further thought - as you have fiddle swith the title :

FINGERED

Love
Alan

Btw, that you very much for the compliment enclosed in your PM ! How could I not respond ?

[Eisa]

Eira, Eisa, Snow, I think I have mentioned you by all three names but never thought to ask which you prefer. Anyway, I loved the second version, with tounge planted firmly in cheek, and it gives slightly more away so that the ending isn't quite a huge surprise, I think that you could probalby make each poem a seperate but equal entity. I oft find that I can have either several beginings with same ending or endings with same begining, I usually just name them poem 1-whatever and when I go looking at them in my records, I just know that they are similar. Your title had me leaning toward a more Poe-ish type of reading which made the cheekiness stand out. Great stuff here...
Steve

Thanks Steve - I think the 2nd version is growing on me!

I really don't mind which name you use - I have got used to all 3 LOL!

Yes - that's a good idea to have different versions to a poem - I'll bear that in mind.

Snow

[Eisa]

Thanks Alan, I thought you would prefer the second version. I always think of you as the expert of 'tongue in cheek' humour LOL!

I have made the changes to the 1st stanza - and I'm thinking on the title.

Thank you for your help.

Love Snow

[vessq]

Hello Eisa,

Neat poem. Like the second version. No you did not give away the ending.

Good work,

Vess

[Eisa]

Hello Eisa,

Neat poem. Like the second version. No you did not give away the ending.

Good work,

Vess

Thanks Vess - I think I'm coming round to keeping the 2nd version! LOL!

Snow