The God Game, Sonnet Options

[JaxMyth]

REVISION

Before our time began, the Firmament
was set, the Earth was made, and Eden bloomed
with bliss. Therein, the Primal Rib presumed
to use an absent God in argument.
Beneath the Tree this blasphemy rang out.
The Serpent, lying in the shade, just smiled
and hissed to Eve " Come here to me, my child.
I've something that you cannot do without.

Be not afraid for He's not here, I am.
Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims,
as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there: you can create your own Damned God."

ORIGINAL

Before our time began, the Firmament
was set, the Earth was made, and Eden bloomed
with bliss. Therein, the Primal Rib presumed
to use an absent God in argument.
Beneath the Tree this blasphemy rang out.
The Serpent, lying in the shade, just smiled
and hissed to Eve " Come here to me, my child.
I have something you cannot do without.

Don’t be afraid for He's not here, I am.
Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims,
as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there: you can create your own Damned God."

...with apologies to Wozniak and Jobs.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi JaxMyth,

Welcome aboard MM.

Interesting sonnet with modern terms of RAM & SIMS. Yes, let us create our own damned god, which seems to be a current trend reflecting ourselves in a monitor screen.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hi JaxMyth,


Sonnet's are my chosen pleasures and this gave me a much enjoyable read. I felt the subject and how the twist at the end surely was unique and creative. I also wanted to make note of a few nicely done end rhymes and double iambs that are smooth to the ear. I liked your reference in L3, of Primal rib, although I didn't think it required a capitalization, however, if the intent was to refer to the first creation used from the rib of adam (another way of saying Eve perhaps) or implying the primal rib is of man and it was the attribute that was lured by the serpent. Hmmm, much for me to mull over and that is always a good plus in a poem. As for the title. I immediately was drawn in by curiosity and found the title as fresh and unique as the contents of the Sonnet.

Some thoughts, comments, idea's and suggestions to follow; please use what is inline with your intention and discard the rest. Good to see a fresh Sonnet around and about!

Best Regards and again, Welcome to MM - Liz

Before our time began, the Firmament
was set, the Earth was made, and Eden bloomed
with bliss. Therein, the Primal Rib presumed
to use an absent God in argument.


A good smooth emjambment that felt eased into L2 without interruption. I liked the use of Firmament- L3, I would suggest ommiting 'with bliss.' as the image of "and Eden bloomed' is full enough, also it didn't sound correct as 'with bliss' perhaps blissfully. Also, There in, felt a bit of filler. Perhaps a suggestion could be...

was set, the Earth was made and Eden bloomed
blissfully. While the primal rib presumed (BLISSfully I read it as a double Iamb, STRESS unstressed/unstressed/STRESSED ...

Beneath the Tree this blasphemy rang out.
The Serpent, lying in the shade, just smiled
and hissed to Eve " Come here to me, my child.
I have something you cannot do without.

In L5, I kept wanting to say blasphemous or 'of blasphemy- and also to find a way to sharpen the image of the tree. While the end rhymes (though acceptable, might do with a more fuller end rhyme choice, perhaps in L4, the use of the word 'clout' as in luring or enticing with the promise of gaining clout. Perhaps ...


Beneath the Tree of blasphemy spoke out
a Serpent, lying in the shad. He smiled,
then hissed to Eve, "Come here to me my child,-
I have a gift to give to you; a greater clout,



Don’t be afraid for He's not here, I am.
Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims,


like God, don't fear-He's not here, but I am.


as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there: you can create your own Damned God."

Not a nit here. I think your volta is applaudable, the turn is wonderful-strong and accents the ending couplet perfectly.

Thanks Jax, I really enjoyed that! Liz

[JLY]

Jaxmyth:

This started off the way I expected and then your brought a little surprise by bringing this to the new techno age.

When I read this line, I think of "files" in place of coils:

Sit on my {coils}[files], bear with my little whims,

Very well-written and looking forward to reading more of your poetic creations.

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Jax,

This is unique IMO! LOL Although, some of it is over my head since I know next to nothing about computers!!

A few thoughts... take or toss as you see fit! *smiles*

Cathy


Before our time began, the Firmament
was set, the Earth was made, and Eden bloomed
with bliss. Therein, the Primal Rib presumed 'in bliss'?
to use an absent God in argument.
Beneath the Tree this blasphemy rang out.
The Serpent, lying in the shade, just smiled
and hissed to Eve " Come here to me, my child.
I have something you cannot do without.

Aren't sonnets to be written in iambic? Your last line doesn't read that way, at least not to me. The first and second lines in the next verse don't seem to be either. Or is this what you call 'double iambs' (which I've never figured out)?

Don’t be afraid for He's not here, I am.
Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims, I'm assuming pc's have coils of some kind? Otherwise, what would it refer to? I told you I knew little about computers! LOL
as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there: you can create your own Damned God."

The turn is creative and subtle IMO. I've always had trouble doing that but you've done a good job with this one.

Well done~
Cathy

[Merlin]

Hello JM,

A tasty bit of Primal Rib - always good whether medium rare or end cut.
I find the first 2 "the" too close together, if you wished to take a second look at those. I'm a bit of a nut when it comes to that article, trying to avoid its use as much as possible.

I'm losing ground in the computer field - don't know what a SIMS is, since it's been a while that I've involved myself in the subject. No matter, that didn't take away from enjoying this sonnet.

Merlin

[JaxMyth]

Hi JaxMyth,

Welcome aboard MM.

Interesting sonnet with modern terms of RAM & SIMS. Yes, let us create our own damned god, which seems to be a current trend reflecting ourselves in a monitor screen.

Don

Thank you Don

appreciated,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Hi JaxMyth,


Sonnet's are my chosen pleasures and this gave me a much enjoyable read. I felt the subject and how the twist at the end surely was unique and creative. I also wanted to make note of a few nicely done end rhymes and double iambs that are smooth to the ear. I liked your reference in L3, of Primal rib, although I didn't think it required a capitalization, however, if the intent was to refer to the first creation used from the rib of adam (another way of saying Eve perhaps) or implying the primal rib is of man and it was the attribute that was lured by the serpent. Hmmm, much for me to mull over and that is always a good plus in a poem. As for the title. I immediately was drawn in by curiosity and found the title as fresh and unique as the contents of the Sonnet.

Some thoughts, comments, idea's and suggestions to follow; please use what is inline with your intention and discard the rest. Good to see a fresh Sonnet around and about!

Best Regards and again, Welcome to MM - Liz

Many thanks and the Primal Rib is indeed that tasty morsel Eve herself *smile*

Before our time began, the Firmament
was set, the Earth was made, and Eden bloomed
with bliss. Therein, the Primal Rib presumed
to use an absent God in argument.


A good smooth emjambment that felt eased into L2 without interruption. I liked the use of Firmament- L3, I would suggest ommiting 'with bliss.' as the image of "and Eden bloomed' is full enough, also it didn't sound correct as 'with bliss' perhaps blissfully. Also, There in, felt a bit of filler. Perhaps a suggestion could be...

'Therein' could be seen as a filler but it goes to the credit of voice in the octet.

was set, the Earth was made and Eden bloomed
blissfully. While the primal rib presumed (BLISSfully I read it as a double Iamb, STRESS unstressed/unstressed/STRESSED ...

A double iamb I do not understand. Depending on the context I would scan 'blissfully' as 4,2,1 a dactyl.

Beneath the Tree this blasphemy rang out.
The Serpent, lying in the shade, just smiled
and hissed to Eve " Come here to me, my child.
I have something you cannot do without.


as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there: you can create your own Damned God."

Not a nit here. I think your volta is applaudable, the turn is wonderful-strong and accents the ending couplet perfectly.

Many thanks Liz

Regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Jaxmyth:

This started off the way I expected and then your brought a little surprise by bringing this to the new techno age.

When I read this line, I think of "files" in place of coils:

Sit on my {coils}[files], bear with my little whims,

Very well-written and looking forward to reading more of your poetic creations.

JLY

Thanks JLY,

I wanted an avuncular replacement for 'knee'.

Once again my thanks,

Regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Hi Jax,

This is unique IMO! LOL Although, some of it is over my head since I know next to nothing about computers!!

A few thoughts... take or toss as you see fit! *smiles*

Cathy


Aren't sonnets to be written in iambic? Your last line doesn't read that way, at least not to me. The first and second lines in the next verse don't seem to be either. Or is this what you call 'double iambs' (which I've never figured out)?

I have not heard the term before either but I have removed some of the substitutions.

I've something that you cannot do without.
Though it is not a highly differentiated soundscape.

Be not afraid for He's not here, I am.
Again not a highly differentiated soundscape and one with a virtual spondaic ending for emphasis.

Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims,
Trochaic use for emphasis.


Don’t be afraid for He's not here, I am.
Trochaic start for emphasis

Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims, I'm assuming pc's have coils of some kind? Otherwise, what would it refer to? `

The Devil/Serpent's coils in place of the avuncular knee here too is molestation of a high degree.

I told you I knew little about computers! LOL
as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there: you can create your own Damned God."

The turn is creative and subtle IMO. I've always had trouble doing that but you've done a good job with this one.

Well done~
Cathy

Many thanks and regards,

Jax

[JaxMyth]

Hello JM,

A tasty bit of Primal Rib - always good whether medium rare or end cut.

Aah but meat market is so non PC *smile*

I find the first 2 "the" too close together, if you wished to take a second look at those. I'm a bit of a nut when it comes to that article, trying to avoid its use as much as possible.

I must admit that I like the definitive stand *smile*

I'm losing ground in the computer field - don't know what a SIMS is, since it's been a while that I've involved myself in the subject. No matter, that didn't take away from enjoying this sonnet.

SIMS the simulation games where virtual universes are created and here ... God.

Merlin

Many thanks Merlin,

regards,

Jax

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jan.

I enjoyed the story within this sonnet - your rhyming word choices fit very well and one could argue this could even be placed in an archaic tone (up till the turn). I am not an expert in the field of iambs, so I won't be commenting on meter just yet. In some ways, your title gives me an image of 'Yahoos' - a phrase we used years ago in the medical field for those who thought they were 'gods' - you know the types with that god complex attitude. There's not much to nit here but I've made some comments below for you to ponder.

Welcome to MM!
~Cleo


Before our time began, the Firmament
was set, the Earth was made, and Eden bloomed
with bliss. Therein, the Primal Rib presumed
to use an absent God in argument.
Beneath the Tree this blasphemy rang out.
The Serpent, lying in the shade, just smiled
and hissed to Eve "Come here to me, my child.
I've something that you cannot do without. (Much better/smoother in this revision
An alternate for L7 might be something like:
and hissed to Eve, “Come hither to, my child.

Be not afraid for He's not here, I am. (Again, a subtle change but the result is a smoother rhythm
Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims{,}
as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there{:}[-] or [...] you can create your own Damned God."

LOL! Love the ending!!!! Interesting inspiration – did you know that Apple, Inc (they dropped the ‘computer’) was not the first company approached when pitched the idea for the iPod? Rumor has it that is was Sony, and they rejected the idea ………

[JaxMyth]

Hi Jan.

I enjoyed the story within this sonnet - your rhyming word choices fit very well and one could argue this could even be placed in an archaic tone (up till the turn). I am not an expert in the field of iambs, so I won't be commenting on meter just yet. In some ways, your title gives me an image of 'Yahoos' - a phrase we used years ago in the medical field for those who thought they were 'gods' - you know the types with that god complex attitude. There's not much to nit here but I've made some comments below for you to ponder.

Welcome to MM!
~Cleo


Before our time began, the Firmament
was set, the Earth was made, and Eden bloomed
with bliss. Therein, the Primal Rib presumed
to use an absent God in argument.
Beneath the Tree this blasphemy rang out.
The Serpent, lying in the shade, just smiled
and hissed to Eve "Come here to me, my child.
I've something that you cannot do without. (Much better/smoother in this revision
An alternate for L7 might be something like:
and hissed to Eve, “Come hither to, my child.

Be not afraid for He's not here, I am. (Again, a subtle change but the result is a smoother rhythm
Sit on my coils, bear with my little whims{,}
as these computers are a trifle odd.
We’ll take it slow; a sacrifice of RAM,
some terabytes of Apple, full of SIMS,
and there{:}[-] or [...] you can create your own Damned God."

LOL! Love the ending!!!! Interesting inspiration – did you know that Apple, Inc (they dropped the ‘computer’) was not the first company approached when pitched the idea for the iPod? Rumor has it that is was Sony, and they rejected the idea ………

Thank you Cleo,

Yahoos have a wide currency though they differ in value, just like the original. *smile*

Have you seen this skit on the iPod? it's worth a giggle.

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=22390

Regards,

Jan

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Hahahahahah-snort- ah hahahaha! Love it!

K

[JaxMyth]

Hahahahahah-snort- ah hahahaha! Love it!

K

Thanks Kathy

Regards,

Jax