 In Darkness - Revised 29 Sep 06, Quatern |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
  Aug 19 06, 13:20
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
In Darkness
In darkness, a hand reaches out… Extraction for those who’ve fallen to the pinnacle of despair. Sanguinity covets this grace. Masked by unprivileged debris, in darkness, a hand reaches out offering essentials for life; Humanity covets this grace. When acts of terrorism reign - pouring forth abomination, in darkness, a hand reaches out. Partisanship covets this grace. Through bleak shadows, a beacon shines eager to lift us from this Hell; hope returns, coveting this grace. In darkness, a hand reaches out... Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 19 August 2006 All Rights Reserved. Slight edits: 'It offers' to 'offering' 'hope remains' to 'hope returns' 'hand' to 'clutch' 'clutch' to 'grace'. This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Sep 29 06, 17:59 ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 19 06, 15:02
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#2
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So much despair and yet you end it with a ray of hope! Let's pray that others see that beacon...
Just a few alternatives to consider, use or lose as you see fit! *smiles* In darkness, a hand reaches out… Extraction for those who’ve fallen 'of those...'? to the pinnacle of despair. Sanguinity covets this hand. At the mention of the WTC I could picture someone reaching out a hand to help someone out of the debris; or someone reaching from the debris hoping that someone was there to see. Masked by unprivileged debris, in darkness, a hand reaches out… Humanity covets this hand. When acts of terrorism reign - pouring forth abomination, in darkness, a hand reaches out… Partisanship covets this hand. Through bleak shadows, a beacon shines eager to lift us from this Hell; hope remains, coveting this hand. In darkness, a hand reaches out... This touches my heart and really makes me think. Thanks for sharing it Lori! Cathy |
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Aug 19 06, 22:04
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 20,858 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Greetings, Lori...
I love the vitality of a quatern, and I'm intrigued by not only your repeating line (which I think you can use just a little better perhaps in the other stanzas by carrying over the preceding line or carrying over to the following line to slightly vary the meaning of at least a couple of them. I'm intrigued by the other semi-repeating lines and the variations of sanguinity, humanity, and partisanship. I'm going to need some help with the intent of the meaning of the first and third words however, if you wouldn't mind. One other initial impression from S1 is that you've either chosen "pinnacle" as irony or have chosen the wrong word. I'd expect something like "slough" or "depths" or the like ... unless falling FROM the pinnacle ? I'm sure you'll explain. My eyes are too tired to complete a crit at this point, but I'll be back. Oh... and I'm assuming the the 'identity' of the hand is up to the reader? Is that your intent as well? appreciating the possibilities of this excellent quatern, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner   |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 21 06, 09:16
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#4
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Hi Lori,
Another thought... Through bleak shadows, a beacon shines eager to lift us from this Hell; hope remains, coveting this hand. In darkness, a hand reaches out... 'returns' instead of 'remains' as though hope had been lost and found again. |
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Aug 27 06, 16:32
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#5
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Cathy.
 QUOTE(Cathy @ Aug 19 06, 16:02 ) [snapback]81371[/snapback] So much despair and yet you end it with a ray of hope! Let's pray that others see that beacon... Just a few alternatives to consider, use or lose as you see fit! *smiles* In darkness, a hand reaches out… Extraction for those who’ve fallen 'of those...'? to the pinnacle of despair. Sanguinity covets this hand. Thanks for the idea, but 'of those' would change my meaning in that line. It is for those who have fallen that the extraction takes place. Do you see what I mean there? It's a hard thing - my choice ofthe word 'fallen' I think is being literallly perceived as 'falling' when I really mean 'a state of mind'. The hand extracts those who are wayyyy down in the dumps and lifts them up. At the mention of the WTC I could picture someone reaching out a hand to help someone out of the debris; or someone reaching from the debris hoping that someone was there to see. Yes, that is exactly my intended image there.  Masked by unprivileged debris, in darkness, a hand reaches out… Humanity covets this hand. Funny- I had 'offering' first, then changed it. Moral- stick with the first idea, LOL!  This touches my heart and really makes me think. Thanks for sharing it Lori! Cathy Thanks Cathy for visiting and for your critique! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 27 06, 16:40
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#6
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello Daniel.
QUOTE(JustDaniel @ Aug 19 06, 23:04 ) [snapback]81441[/snapback] Greetings, Lori... I love the vitality of a quatern, and I'm intrigued by not only your repeating line (which I think you can use just a little better perhaps in the other stanzas by carrying over the preceding line or carrying over to the following line to slightly vary the meaning of at least a couple of them. I too enjoy the quatern. I'm stumped on the second part of you comment, so please do offer me a sampling of your ideas. I'm intrigued by the other semi-repeating lines and the variations of sanguinity, humanity, and partisanship. I'm going to need some help with the intent of the meaning of the first and third words however, if you wouldn't mind. Well, normally, I do not want to state my intended meaning as I want to hear what the readers think it is. I will say that sanguinity is meant as 'hopefullness' and partisanship is meant as 'dedication/support/political learning'. One other initial impression from S1 is that you've either chosen "pinnacle" as irony or have chosen the wrong word. I'd expect something like "slough" or "depths" or the like ... unless falling FROM the pinnacle ? I'm sure you'll explain. Pinnacle is meant as 'reaching the height of despair'. They have fallen and now are in the midst of highest form of despair - the full of it (pinnacle), so its not 'from the pinnacle', it's 'to the pinnacle'. My eyes are too tired to complete a crit at this point, but I'll be back. Oh... and I'm assuming the the 'identity' of the hand is up to the reader? Is that your intent as well? appreciating the possibilities of this excellent quatern, Daniel Yes, identity is absolutely up to the reader. Looking forward to your return! ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 27 06, 16:42
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#7
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(Cathy @ Aug 21 06, 10:16 ) [snapback]81632[/snapback] Hi Lori, Another thought... Through bleak shadows, a beacon shines eager to lift us from this Hell; hope remains, coveting this hand. In darkness, a hand reaches out... 'returns' instead of 'remains' as though hope had been lost and found again. Thanks very much Cathy!    That sounds better - so I've edited it into the first revision. You rock!  ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Sep 13 06, 05:45
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#8
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Just a little
 here thinking on the 5 year anniverary of 9/11 where my muse was when writing this poem...And hoping to obtain a few more crits too.....   Cheers ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_ohsteve_* |
Sep 13 06, 13:44
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#9
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Lori... being one who has trouble writing to this and other forms this was very well done, I loved the reapeating help of hands... hands from every where streching out thier needs and help... great write great read.
Steve |
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Sep 13 06, 16:38
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#10
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Thanks Steve.
Is there anything to suggest that you would like to see stated differently? ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Sep 14 06, 06:47
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#11
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 20,858 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Greetings, Lori...
I'm sorry to be so long in getting back to you. I might suggest you remove the commas at the end of S2L1 and S3L2 to make a better connection with "darkness"... if that is your meaning. It would make more stark the distinction in S4, methinks. Also, might you consider changing 'covets this hand' to something like '...covets its fingers' ? ... so as not to overload the reader with so many 'hand's, since the word is already repeated out of necessity because of the form. Lightly, Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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Sep 23 06, 15:51
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(JustDaniel @ Sep 14 06, 07:47 ) [snapback]83231[/snapback] Greetings, Lori... I'm sorry to be so long in getting back to you. I might suggest you remove the commas at the end of S2L1 and S3L2 to make a better connection with "darkness"... if that is your meaning. It would make more stark the distinction in S4, methinks. Also, might you consider changing 'covets this hand' to something like '...covets its fingers' ? ... so as not to overload the reader with so many 'hand's, since the word is already repeated out of necessity because of the form. Lightly, Daniel Hi Daniel. I will remove those commas, thanks for that suggestion, however, for the time being, I want to keep the lines syllable count to eight so I think I will edit those non-refrain 'hands' to 'clutch' instead for the next revision. Thanks for stopping in! ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Sep 29 06, 07:06
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#13
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Hi Lori,
I just read the revision... good job! I see what you mean by 'for those' instead of 'of those. My only nit is the word 'clutch'. LOL I think it's cause I don't care for the word in the context of your poem. 'Clutch' (to me) sounds grabby or reminds me of a car! Anyhoo, other possibilities might be... grasp, act, touch or grace. I like grace because of the definitions I found: *disposition to kindness and compassion, benign good will *elegance and beauty of movement or expression *sense of propriety and consideration for others All of which express the feelings in your poem... the idea of reaching out. Just my opinion so do with it as you will! LOL Cathy |
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 Sep 29 06, 17:57
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Cathy.
Yes, I was on the fence about 'clutch', had thought of 'grasp' initially, but based on your reply here, I think I will change the word to 'grace'. It does seem to fit on many levels moreso.  so much for your feedback!~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Sep 29 06, 23:13
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#15
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Hi Lori,
Your welcome! Always glad to offer something useful. I agree with you about 'grace'. It covers so many different aspects... all of which fit perfectly into the context of your poem. I think it makes your message sing! Cathy |
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Sep 30 06, 08:07
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#16
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
And I'm always thankful to receive such excellent feedback Cathy.
I never would have thought of the word 'grace' and its multi-faceted meanings so a rose to you Cathy.  Thankies ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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