Spirit Fox Options

[Styrmwolf]

Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern

Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Whit,


A very interesting piece full of vivid imagery. I can't admit to understanding it fully I'm afraid but I still liked what I read. I've offered a few suggestions which you are free to use or lose as you see fit. *smiles* {omit}[add]

Cathy


Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn I had to look up 'fay'. LOL I like the image of a silver fairy world although I'm not sure that was the definition you were using.
And thou, flame[-]pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash[-]marked death bearer, others cannot discern I'm not sure but should deathbearer be one word or maybe hyphened?

Blood on snow[-]kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind Punctuation after 'kind'?
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting. Maybe another word for 'lusting' so it's not repeated so close together?

Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed. I'm not too familiar with the proper use of thee's and thou's but 'thy' sounds better to me in the above two lines. Course I could be wrong... LOL
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur And since you are using thee and thou wouldn't 'tis' be more appropriate than 'it is'? And again, I think 'thy' sounds better than 'thou' in this line. I need to learn where to use which when it comes to those words. LOL
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred Should 'moon light's' be one word? I may not be reading this line right but it feels as though something is missing... sacred what? Are you saying the moonlight is sacred? If so maybe...'For only the sacred moonlight knows the secrets of the night'?
Know the secrets of the night[.]

Remember... the poem is yours and only you know what you are trying to convey so if anything I've said makes no sense -- just ignore! *smiles*

[Alan]

Dear Whit,

An interesting go at "old-fashioned" poem, but for me the THOUs and THEEs are too prominent, as if you were forcing them. A bit like rhyme-driven, to work they would have to simply fit IN to the lines.

I think wellworth a re-write tho.

Love
Alan

[Merlin]

Hello Sty,

If thou hast proofread thy posting and hast made any sense of it, then thou mayest advance to the front of the class. Thy errors of thee's and other misuses of thee/thou stand out brightly, outshining the entire work. Thou might consider writing in vernacular that is more commonly used today, unless thou still speakest thus, which, methinks, is not the case. Tis thine choice, forsooth.

Thou mayest consider me among the "Ignorants", as I have nary an idea of what thou intendest to portray. My advice is to employ the KISS principle - KEEP IT SIMPLE, SWEETY.

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Hi Whitney,

First I wanted to say there were a couple of words that I wasn't familiar with and I learned something I might be able to use in my future poetry! So thank you! ...

The story does become a bit confusing with the archaic language. I often like archaic language when it is done sparingly and seems to flow smoothly with the images. In your wonderful story of a magical world, and the tragedy that had fallen upon it. (this was my interpretation) The images are marvelously enchanting, but they lose their grace and power when the reader has to stop and contemplate the awkwardness of the 'thee, thou's etc... '

Some instanza comments and suggestions. I hope something might be helpful and please remember that these are only thoughts and you can either use what might be in line with your intention or disregard them. I think this has 'GREAT" potential and only needs to be drawn out clearer for the reader to spend more time enjoying the imagery and movement, rather than rereading to make it fit.

Another thought I wanted to leave you and will offer some suggestions to tighten up your lines and meter. With Rhyme I always feel that rhythm, go hand in hand!

Best Wishes, Liz

(Lovely Work)

Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern

L1: the image is awesome. I also didn't know the meaning of 'fay' and found it a thrilling and most inticing word. I have several poems that could make great use of the word and I thank you for introducing it to us. The image comes through as... the full moon enters the night sky, and little elves and pixies awaken and their world comes to life while ours is a sleep. This is how I read this. Perhaps...

As full moon rises, silver fay worlds are reborn (making 12 syllables)
or
Full moon ascends, a silver fay world ... reborn (making 10 syllables)

In L2, the 'And thou... ' really does break the image and too quickly, jarring the reader from the image set in their minds eye.

L3, is 'stalk' the word that you really mean? ... Perhaps I am not getting the intent of the image, and/or the phrase 'specter forlorn'

L4, Again, I would lose the 'thou'


Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

S2L1, This image, although very powerful and strong seems to conflict with the images of S1, has S2, taken us from the emerald greenery, hills and ferns-into a wintry place? In L2, the introduction of "Diana" I think is too vague. It made me stop to wonder if this poem is about a Well known Myth, that I don't know, perhaps the Greek Mythology, in which case, I wouldn't know the story and her name appearence interupts the read. Leaving me wondering what part does she have and how has she caused this hunger


Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

L1, 'thee' isn't the right use here, if you choose to keep the archaic language, perhaps 'thy ... burning fur' I love the use of 'cur' ...


And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night

Excellent ending. I would only suggest changing the 'thee in L2.

[jgdittier]

Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern

Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night

Dear Whit,
I note you define yourself as a beginner and so will hope to share some thoughts with you that
won't deter you from becoming a true talent in the future.
I smile at myself as I am continuously reminded, often by my own writings, that I am a stubborn mule and
write using the ploys of the masters, many of which are now considered poor structure.
Over these 6 years I've learned to temper my enthusiasm for that style, simply because it's mighty hard to swim against the current. I now only use those ploys when I think I must and I have to bite my tongue when critiques remind me my practices are outdated.
Your usage of the olde pronouns remind me of some of my earliest postings. I also use inversions, elisions, cap lines, cliches, all of which is poetic license nowadays. However, I write light verse, maintain that I
need these ploys to attain my goal of making the reader smile. You need early in the game to decide to whom and therefor how you'll appeal to your readers. If you write conventional pure poetry, I advise you to
listen to your readers as much as your muse permits.
I made a vow years ago that my quest is to promote the respect for the bards of yore and their works.
I hope you stay the course as you grow as a poet and I'll be pleased to help you along the way and to
look especially for your postings.
Cheers, ron jgdittier
my e-mail address is

rbjones02@optonline.net

[Styrmwolf]

I'd like to thank anyone whom took the time to reply and critique, even if not all of it was terribly helpful. I mostly just used the thee's and thous as they just happened to come into my head at the time, I'm not terrible attached to them, so I'll cut them down in a rewrite. I don't know what is archaic (had no idea all the first lines of poems didn't use caps anymore) and what isn't, I have to admit that I haven't read very much modern poetry, I like the old stuff, John Donne, Yeats, a bit more modern Frost, ect.
Anyways, this poem is very, enviromental, for me the natural world and the world of the mystic and spiritual have always been very closely linked.
Thanks again for your time!
~Styrmwolf

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Whit.

I will be in for a critique soon, so given that you're not terribly attached to the archaic uses, should my commentary allow for changes to those words?

Be back soon.
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Whitney.

I enjoyed your fantasy silver fay world. One suggestion I will make is to try and maintain the same syllable count (line for line). Once you have that down, then meter would come next - applying inner rhythms and rhymes with experience over time. For now, I offer some ideas below for you to ponder as you wish.

I too, got hung up on the archaic language as the vernacular was a bit off in places.

Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)


Full moon rises, {a} silver fay world reborn
{And} [where] {thou,} [thy] flame[-]pelted dryad of hill and fern
stalk[s] {through} emerald shades as a specter forlorn{.}[;]
{Thou,} [S]light ash[-]marked deathbearer, others cannot discern[.]

Blood on snow[-]kissed chin, yet not in {razored} [sharpened] mind
Hunger {slacked} [remiss] with Diana's hard earned blessing. (hard earned is a bit cliché, how about ‘sought after’ instead?)
Ignorants {name thee} [call you] vermin, for they know not your kind[;]
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

Lusting after {thee's} [thy] burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed. { perhaps, with a bloodied rage unknown to your breed. }
Yet {it} [all] is for {nie} [nigh], thou bright eyes match[ing] {their} violent cur
They [are] not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead[.]

And thou restless specter, {are} [is] blessed
Go [and wander] where {thee} [you] might
For only the moonlight's (one word) sacred
Know the secrets of the night[.]