The Black Pearl, Iambic Pentameter Options

[Guest_Don_*]

The Black Pearl

The model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not ancient but old,
display a bony flag on sky bound seas
of lotto treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests on the deep ocean waves
as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,
as faerie nymphs flit among the trees.

To remain sane, just scheme inane as guest
aboard the vessel, Black Pearl, to inflate
desire, to range and freeboot fabled goods.
The tide is ripe. Sail now, before too late.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
05 July

Meter: Iambic Pentameter

[jgdittier]

Dear Don,
Has anyone ever proposed a definition for the difference between a bump and a intentional foot substitution? Point me there if you know. I surely don't and that's why I don't enter contests or make much effort to be published.
Some thoughts:
On first reading I do it sing-songy and therefore believe I'm more sensitive to bumps than most.
On second reading I read more in monotone and many bumps disappear.
As I have read aloud to the aged, many hearing-impaired, slow, carefully pronounced delivery also makes a difference.
So when is there a bump? It may be similar to that falling tree.
As I read your scansion, I found several cases where I read differently from your guidence:
My style is to emphasize repetitious meter more than yours and so, here are some thoughts.
line 2- is "free" necessary?
line 3- I pronounced "bound" as an offbeat (SKY-bound)
line 5- "on the deep/on deepest"?
line 6- (SQUARE-rigged)?
line 7- ("from foulest fate to blissful state")?
line 8 - could faerie be punctuated to be pronounced as FARie? how 'bout "aflit"?
line 9- "reMAINing SANE?
line10 -"so SAIL/SAIL NOW"
I see much alliteration in this piece. It is big in my style too and I believe it has impacted
the cadence.
I overuse alliteration and I fear I've foisted it on you. Fear not if it's too much for you.
Your lines 7,8 &9 make me smile and have motivated this last hour!
Don, I don't like to critique to this degree, but as we share intense views about cadence, I think the devil made me do it!
Cheers, Ron jgd