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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
 Jun 1 07, 17:44
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny  |
4th version
 a soft kiss upon my skin snowflake With special thanks to Lary, Cleo, Liz and Snow. 3rd version softly as snowfall she kisses, I feel it not cool upon my skin 2nd version Softly like snowfall she kisses, I feel it not cold upon my skin 1st version Softly so softly
you kiss me, I felt it not not upon my skin ·······  ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner      |
  
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| Guest_Rosemerta_* |
Jul 1 07, 14:02
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Hey there, Terry,
 It has been interesting reading through all the input this thread has generated. Isn't it fascinating how a few little words can take on several lives? You've received some wonderful suggestions and have not one but several pieces to show from it. I hope you wont mind my tossing in my 2 cents as well since I noticed somewhere that you really wanted to make this a haiku and stick to your original words as best you could. QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 1 07, 16:44 )  Softly so softly you kiss me, I felt it not not upon my skin Haiku and Senryu both have syllable counts of 5-7-5 so you have that part right. The difference is that Haiku strictly involves that from nature while Senryu covers pretty much everything else topic wise. Most romantic poems of of this count would fall under Senryu. Thus you pretty much have to choose between the two. These are the examples I see with your original words to fill each intent: Senryu Softly you kiss me Leaving me wanting more than Void upon my skin Haiku Soft snowflake kisses Void of cold upon my skin In my summer’s dream I hope this helps, if nothing more than in explaination. I like your revisions just fine.  ~~Jackie |
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Jul 9 07, 15:39
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
QUOTE (Rosemerta @ Jul 1 07, 20:02 ) Hey there, Terry, It has been interesting reading through all the input this thread has generated. Isn't it fascinating how a few little words can take on several lives? You've received some wonderful suggestions and have not one but several pieces to show from it. I hope you wont mind my tossing in my 2 cents as well since I noticed somewhere that you really wanted to make this a haiku and stick to your original words as best you could. QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 1 07, 16:44 ) Softly so softly you kiss me, I felt it not not upon my skin Haiku and Senryu both have syllable counts of 5-7-5 so you have that part right. The difference is that Haiku strictly involves that from nature while Senryu covers pretty much everything else topic wise. Most romantic poems of of this count would fall under Senryu. Thus you pretty much have to choose between the two. These are the examples I see with your original words to fill each intent: Senryu Softly you kiss me Leaving me wanting more than Void upon my skin Haiku Soft snowflake kisses Void of cold upon my skin In my summer’s dream I hope this helps, if nothing more than in explanation. I like your revisions just fine. ~~Jackie Hi Jakie, Thanks so much for your two edits, really cool the way you've written a haiku and a senyru from the original. I suppose I'll have to call mine a senyru since it deals in human experience. I can live with that.  Thanks again, I look forward to interacting with you in the future. Terry ······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Terocon101 Haiku or not Jun 1 07, 17:44 
laryalee Hi Terry,
it's nice to meet you!
This is s... Jun 1 07, 21:27 
Terocon101 Hi Lary,
the pleasures all mine. I'm glad you... Jun 2 07, 15:47 Eisa Hi Terry
I give a thumbs up to a tanka for this o... Jun 2 07, 04:50 Terocon101 QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 2 07, 10:50 ) Hi Terry
... Jun 2 07, 15:51 Cleo_Serapis Hi Terry,
Welcome to our new forum!
On firs... Jun 2 07, 06:35 Terocon101 Hi Cleo,
thanks, I think you've hit the nail ... Jun 2 07, 15:59 Kathy Terocon wrote:
I want to make this fit into haiku ... Jun 2 07, 18:01 Terocon101 QUOTE (Kathy @ Jun 3 07, 00:01 ) Terocon ... Jun 3 07, 12:47 laryalee Hi Terry,
one thing that takes time to understand
... Jun 3 07, 00:05 Terocon101 Hi Lary,
I hear what your saying and I love your ... Jun 3 07, 13:10 AMETHYST Hello Terry,
I am a newbie in the world of Haiku... Jun 3 07, 14:02 Terocon101 [quote name='AMETHYST' date='Jun 3 07,... Jun 4 07, 17:22 laryalee Terry,
it's a delight to discuss this with you... Jun 3 07, 15:39 Terocon101 Hi Lary,
neighbour's field
newborn lambs play... Jun 4 07, 20:00 Terocon101 Whoops Jun 4 07, 20:05 Kathy QUOTE These bloody haiku
I dont really see the poi... Jun 4 07, 21:24 Terocon101 Kathy wrote,
Hahahaha Terry. You'll be glad t... Jun 5 07, 11:39 laryalee a soft kiss
upon my skin
snowflake
Terry, this is... Jun 5 07, 12:46 JustDaniel A wonderful discussion! Thank you all... and ... Jun 29 07, 19:46 Terocon101 Hello again Danny boy,
glad you enjoyed, I can ha... Jun 29 07, 20:38 4rum Hey Terry...
I think when contemplating a new d... Jul 21 07, 17:38 Terocon101 Hi Sam,
firstly, it's a pleasure to meet you ... Jul 22 07, 16:35 4rum Morning Terry;
Part of the point there was in the... Jul 23 07, 04:31 JustDaniel ... but I think that others have well noted that 5... Jul 23 07, 09:28 Terocon101 Hey Daniel,
Yeah, I think we're all in mutual... Jul 23 07, 13:56 Lady Poet Yes! Yes! YES!!!
Terry your 4... Sep 27 07, 03:54 Terocon101 Hi Pami,
I have to say I'm happy with that ... Sep 27 07, 07:23 Lady Poet You're so very welcome Terry...this modern for... Sep 27 07, 08:18 Terocon101 Classes...here...?...Well, yes & no, by worksh... Sep 27 07, 11:01 Cleo_Serapis Congrats Terry on your wizard award winning tile... Nov 4 07, 10:43 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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