The Black Pearl, Iambic Pentameter Options

[Guest_Don_*]

The Black Pearl

The model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not ancient but old,
display a bony flag on sky bound seas
of lotto treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests on the deep ocean waves
as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,
as faerie nymphs flit among the trees.

To remain sane, just scheme inane as guest
aboard the vessel, Black Pearl, to inflate
desire, to range and freeboot fabled goods.
The tide is ripe. Sail now, before too late.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
05 July

Meter: Iambic Pentameter

[Judi]

Hello there Mr. Don...I see you were working hard crafting this crafty schooner...I have made a few suggestions, actually using your own words, but just changing them around a wee bit...I don't like to change anyones work too much..just a little tweak here and there, and you know how it goes...these are yours to use or lose. Judi

The model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not ancient but old,
display(s) a bony flag on sky bound seas
of lotto treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests on the deep ocean waves
Suggestion: Our freedom crests on deepest ocean waves

as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
suggestions: as square rigged sail is filled in nimble breeze

which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,

as faerie nymphs flit among the trees.
suggestion: as faerie nymphs flit amongst the trees