The Black Pearl, Iambic Pentameter Options

[Guest_Don_*]

The Black Pearl

The model sailing ship of make believe
with crew of free hands, not ancient but old,
display a bony flag on sky bound seas
of lotto treasure chests and rainbow gold.

Our freedom crests on the deep ocean waves
as filled by square rigged sail in nimble breeze,
which wafts a foul fate into blissful state,
as faerie nymphs flit among the trees.

To remain sane, just scheme inane as guest
aboard the vessel, Black Pearl, to inflate
desire, to range and freeboot fabled goods.
The tide is ripe. Sail now, before too late.

© 2007, D.E. Holmes
05 July

Meter: Iambic Pentameter

[Merlin]

No problem with the metaphor as such, Don.
What made me yelp was your rhyming "breeze / trees". I've sworn to myself to NEVER do that again, unless I'm writing a spoof. Here's a link, and a quote from there from Alexander Pope, 1688-1744,
BREEZE.

Where'er you find "the cooling western breeze",
In the next line, it "whispers through the trees":
If "crystal streams with pleasing murmurs creep",
The reader's threaten'd (not in vain) with "sleep".

It's several years back now I was encouraged to submit one of my postings to Cowboy-dot-com poetry site. I did, and they didn't like it. Now, that's no sour grapes by any means; if my product didn't fit their style, so be it. What got me is that those folks directed me to their winner-of-the-month site, and the latest winner. I don't wish to knock that winner, but she had end-stopped rhymed couplets, and no fewer than 3 pairs were breeze-trees rhymes. OOOOch, if that's what it takes to win, thinks I, then that's no place for me!

I still use those words >breeze, trees, love, above, dove, but tend not to end a line with them. I use them internally, to avoid another overdone rhyme set.

Merlin