Yet Unwritten ~ Revised 6/17/07, Rhyme and iambic meter Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Liz, Sue, Eric, Lori and Don!



Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 3

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-sore;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of loyal thoughts
and motley web of frenzied fears
combine upon our battlefields
to armament (their lives a shield)
reprisal games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march the searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestows them pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness leeching helpless souls,
the dye of hope from blood once spilled.
Will sons and daughters soon return
to cherish freedoms they have earned?

Their shadowed myths aren't written yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 2

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament (their lives to shield)
creating games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march o'er searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons and daughters ever speak
of freedom's right... that which they seek.

Those shadowed myths aren't written yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 1

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
creating games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march o'er searing sand,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons return to loving arms,
with dignity and faith unharmed?

Their shadowed myths... unwritten yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Original

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
while playing games of grave roulette.

More loved ones will be marching soon,
enthusiasm soaring high.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
that they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained crimson from the blood that's spilled.
Will they return to earthly home
or will lost spirits heaven roam?

Their story hasn't ended yet...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

A very potent message and image within your words. I'll be back to re-read this one again for sure. I'm glad it's been nominated for the IBPC - great choice! I've jotted down some thoughts below for you to ponder as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.
Great opening Cathy!

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament (their lives {to} [a] shield)
creating games of grave roulette.
Here, I think insane is too close to inane and so suggest a few alternates: frenzied, half-cocked, unhinged, senseless.

Though loved ones march {o'er} [on] searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestow{ing} [their] pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing {'round the} [hapless] grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons and daughters ever speak
{of} [to] freedom's right... {that} [of] which they seek{.} [?]

Those shadowed myths aren't written yet.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy.

A very potent message and image within your words. I'll be back to re-read this one again for sure. I'm glad it's been nominated for the IBPC - great choice! I've jotted down some thoughts below for you to ponder as you wish.

Thank you Lori!

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[+] {-}

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.
Great opening Cathy!

Thanks! LOL I don't know how many times I changed that before being content with it as now written!

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament (their lives {to} [a] shield)
creating games of grave roulette.
Here, I think insane is too close to inane and so suggest a few alternates: frenzied, half-cocked, unhinged, senseless.

'Frenzied' would add alliteration to line 2. I may just use that! You've made an interesting suggestion for line 4. The way it's written the armament is meant to protect their lives... your suggestion gives the impression that their lives are shielding ours (which of course they are) but I hadn't thought of it that way. Now I wonder why? I'm leaning toward using that too! Thank you!

Though loved ones march {o'er} [on] searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestow{ing} [their] pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

Line 1 -- I guess I liked the little touch of 'old world' in using 'o'er', even though I don't use it anywhere else. I will think about that one. As to line 3, now that you've pointed it out, shouldn't that be 'them' since bestow means to gift someone with something?

of darkness stealing {'round the} [hapless] grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons and daughters ever speak
{of} [to] freedom's right... {that} [of] which they seek{.} [?]

To me, changing line 1 to hapless makes it sound like the darkness it stealing the ground. Maybe if I changed it to 'roaming hapless grounds'... and yet would 'ground' be deserving of pity? Or would the ground be able to incite pity? Hmmm.. something to think about, see what I can do with that. LOL

Thanks ever so much Lori~ I know how busy you are and I really appreciate the help!

Cathy

Those shadowed myths aren't written yet.