Haiku or not, Wizard Award ~ haiku without season Options

[Terocon101]

4th version

a soft kiss
upon my skin
snowflake

With special thanks to Lary, Cleo, Liz and Snow.

3rd version

softly as snowfall
she kisses, I feel it not
cool upon my skin

2nd version

Softly like snowfall
she kisses, I feel it not
cold upon my skin

1st version

Softly so softly
you kiss me, I felt it not
not upon my skin

[laryalee]

Terry,
it's a delight to discuss this with you...
I can tell that you are sincere, and I appreciate
your comments.
Also, I have a fondness for Irish poets...
one dear online friend is Norman Darlington,
and here's a link to his site:

http://xaiku.com/


In case you didn't see it, here's a link from
the Haiku, new perspectives thread on Karnak's
Crossing...it's written by a Japanese poet, which
I feel gives it even greater credibility:

http://www.ahapoetry.com/keirule.htm

For me, the most astonishing news was in this quote:

There are two major linguistic factors that make the
Japanese language more flexible, and thus easier to
fit into a rigid form such as 5-7-5. Both of these factors
derive from the fact that the grammatical units in Japanese
are largely independent, and are relatively free to move about
within a sentence.

Keiko Imaoka then goes on to illustrate, with his
"mother gave it to the kitten" example.

He also mentions the fact that Japanese haiku are
written on a single line with no spacing.
So for those who insist that 5-7-5 is the way to go
because it's a Japanese tradition, why use three lines?


Now, back to your lovely poem!
I was taken by your explanation:

That the kiss was so soft it caused no immediate physical sensation,
but at that moment a purely emotional one.

Now I understand what you are getting at...
perhaps winter is not the best season, since it
indicates a chill? And this feels very warm!
You needn't be afraid of simply saying (or saying simply)
what happened...


spring breeze
the softness of her kiss
reaches my heart

her soft kiss
reaches my heart --
spring breeze


Etc.

(Feel free to use any of my revisions...
in a workshop situation, I always consider
that they become yours...they do not belong to me!)



Lary

[Terocon101]

Hi Lary,

neighbour's field
newborn lambs play
in their last spring

by Norman Darlington

I had a look at Darlington's stuff, I'm not experienced enough to judge in a precise way but I liked them and have bookmarked the page. He only had one spring haiku in that collection(above) and it really jumped out at me. I thought there were rules on how dark haiku could be, no violence etc. Does this one teeter on the edge? For me the edge is a good place.
Two or three of his are about sheep or their mortality, I wonder if he isn't a vegetarian from County Wicklow, lol. His writing has a real closeness to nature that I just dream about now since I moved to town, but I still recognize its influence.

I read in another link you supplied(and which you mention above) a sitting judge at a haiku competition was commenting about the difference between the Japanese and English language and the difficulties faced by English writers when trying to conform to strict Japanese rules. Rules that were actually created with Japanese in mind. Really interesting questions the whole thing raises about conforming to rules and maybe sacrificing the content.

It was acceptable when haiku to me was just a little puzzle and my care was little.
Haiku is growing on me, although if I'm honest deep down I sometimes think of haiku as a discipline, an exercise to be performed by the writer and not really an expression. Don't shoot, I am attempting to open my mind up to it. Expressing my opinion will probably land me in hot water one of these days.

Anyway, I will be using your edit for the next version, snowflakes of gratitude

Just two small changes but I'm not sure(Will there ever again be certainty?)

#1.
"her soft kiss"
to
"a soft kiss"

Liz pointed out something that was on my mind also, that 'her' was a little exclusive.
She suggested "a soft kiss" at first I agreed but have since reconsidered (as I've little to be worrying about at the moment) I was thinking "slow soft kiss" not at all sure though.

#2.
"snowflakes" I want to make it singular.

a soft kiss
upon my skin
snowflake

I know why you think the snowflakes maybe inappropriate in context of the warm affection and I agreed at first, but maybe theres a aha moment there in that little mismatch. Should I explain?

Also any kissing should be a spring haiku but for me theres just something about the sensation of that single snowflake on the skin. I wonder has there ever been snow in spring?

I'll post, please tell me if it works for you.

Terry