Haiku or not, Wizard Award ~ haiku without season Options

[Terocon101]

4th version

a soft kiss
upon my skin
snowflake

With special thanks to Lary, Cleo, Liz and Snow.

3rd version

softly as snowfall
she kisses, I feel it not
cool upon my skin

2nd version

Softly like snowfall
she kisses, I feel it not
cold upon my skin

1st version

Softly so softly
you kiss me, I felt it not
not upon my skin

[laryalee]

Terry,
it's a delight to discuss this with you...
I can tell that you are sincere, and I appreciate
your comments.
Also, I have a fondness for Irish poets...
one dear online friend is Norman Darlington,
and here's a link to his site:

http://xaiku.com/


In case you didn't see it, here's a link from
the Haiku, new perspectives thread on Karnak's
Crossing...it's written by a Japanese poet, which
I feel gives it even greater credibility:

http://www.ahapoetry.com/keirule.htm

For me, the most astonishing news was in this quote:

There are two major linguistic factors that make the
Japanese language more flexible, and thus easier to
fit into a rigid form such as 5-7-5. Both of these factors
derive from the fact that the grammatical units in Japanese
are largely independent, and are relatively free to move about
within a sentence.

Keiko Imaoka then goes on to illustrate, with his
"mother gave it to the kitten" example.

He also mentions the fact that Japanese haiku are
written on a single line with no spacing.
So for those who insist that 5-7-5 is the way to go
because it's a Japanese tradition, why use three lines?


Now, back to your lovely poem!
I was taken by your explanation:

That the kiss was so soft it caused no immediate physical sensation,
but at that moment a purely emotional one.

Now I understand what you are getting at...
perhaps winter is not the best season, since it
indicates a chill? And this feels very warm!
You needn't be afraid of simply saying (or saying simply)
what happened...


spring breeze
the softness of her kiss
reaches my heart

her soft kiss
reaches my heart --
spring breeze


Etc.

(Feel free to use any of my revisions...
in a workshop situation, I always consider
that they become yours...they do not belong to me!)



Lary