 Haiku or not, Wizard Award ~ haiku without season |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms
 Jun 1 07, 17:44
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny  |
4th version
 a soft kiss upon my skin snowflake With special thanks to Lary, Cleo, Liz and Snow. 3rd version softly as snowfall she kisses, I feel it not cool upon my skin 2nd version Softly like snowfall she kisses, I feel it not cold upon my skin 1st version Softly so softly
you kiss me, I felt it not not upon my skin ·······  ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner      |
  
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Jun 3 07, 00:05
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 Babylonian Posts: 103 Joined: 18-April 07 From: British Columbia, Canada Member No.: 421 Real Name: laryalee fraser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Kathy Earsman |
Hi Terry,
one thing that takes time to understand (and it took me a long time!) is that haiku should leave something for the readers to discover on their own. For example, if I understand the gist of what you're telling us, this is something that came to me... her soft kiss upon my skin... snowflakes Does the kiss feel like snowflakes? Does the kiss happen while snow is falling? The reader must try to imagine this...and feel the moment, according to his/her own interpretation.  Lary |
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Jun 3 07, 13:10
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 376 Joined: 28-May 07 From: Co. Galway, Ireland Member No.: 440 Real Name: Terry O C Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Ephiny |
Hi Lary,
I hear what your saying and I love your edit, I got an image of the kisses melting like snow, and I felt kind of tickled.  her soft kiss upon my skin... snowflakes Although I really I liked it, it loses what I was trying to convey. That the kiss was so soft it caused no immediate physical sensation, but at that moment a purely emotional one. I only put the snow in for haiku seasonal requirements. But I feel it did lend something else, like theres something in common between snow and kisses. Thanks for the explaining your concept of haiku, I think I'm getting there. Do you mind if I place your edit above? Under your name of course. Terry ······· ·······Terry
light lights light --Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates." --Oscar Wilde MM Award Winner |
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Jun 3 07, 14:02
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hello Terry,
I am a newbie in the world of Haiku, never really thought much of them myself until I found the ahhh haaa moment in them through these threads. QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 3 07, 14:10 )  Hi Lary, I hear what your saying and I love your edit, I got an image of the kisses melting like snow, and I felt kind of tickled. Yes, with those slight changes your original post now makes a reader 'feel' it - I would even suggest maing 'her soft kiss' to ... 'a soft kiss' QUOTE her soft kiss upon my skin... snowflakes I only put the snow in for haiku seasonal requirements. But I feel it did lend something else, like theres something in common between snow and kisses. Thanks for the explaining your concept of haiku, I think I'm getting there. Do you mind if I place your edit above? Under your name of course. Although I really I liked it, it loses what I was trying to convey. That the kiss was so soft it caused no immediate physical sensation, but at that moment a purely emotional one. I tried to put together what you intended in my head, but unfortunately your intention doesn't come across- as the revision stands it makes a wonderful poem. Best Regards, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
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Posts in this topic
Terocon101 Haiku or not Jun 1 07, 17:44 
laryalee Hi Terry,
it's nice to meet you!
This is s... Jun 1 07, 21:27 
Terocon101 Hi Lary,
the pleasures all mine. I'm glad you... Jun 2 07, 15:47 Eisa Hi Terry
I give a thumbs up to a tanka for this o... Jun 2 07, 04:50 Terocon101 QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 2 07, 10:50 ) Hi Terry
... Jun 2 07, 15:51 Cleo_Serapis Hi Terry,
Welcome to our new forum!
On firs... Jun 2 07, 06:35 Terocon101 Hi Cleo,
thanks, I think you've hit the nail ... Jun 2 07, 15:59 Kathy Terocon wrote:
I want to make this fit into haiku ... Jun 2 07, 18:01 Terocon101 QUOTE (Kathy @ Jun 3 07, 00:01 ) Terocon ... Jun 3 07, 12:47 Terocon101 [quote name='AMETHYST' date='Jun 3 07,... Jun 4 07, 17:22 laryalee Terry,
it's a delight to discuss this with you... Jun 3 07, 15:39 Terocon101 Hi Lary,
neighbour's field
newborn lambs play... Jun 4 07, 20:00 Terocon101 Whoops Jun 4 07, 20:05 Kathy QUOTE These bloody haiku
I dont really see the poi... Jun 4 07, 21:24 Terocon101 Kathy wrote,
Hahahaha Terry. You'll be glad t... Jun 5 07, 11:39 laryalee a soft kiss
upon my skin
snowflake
Terry, this is... Jun 5 07, 12:46 JustDaniel A wonderful discussion! Thank you all... and ... Jun 29 07, 19:46 Terocon101 Hello again Danny boy,
glad you enjoyed, I can ha... Jun 29 07, 20:38 Rosemerta Hey there, Terry,
It has been interesting readi... Jul 1 07, 14:02 Terocon101 QUOTE (Rosemerta @ Jul 1 07, 20:02 ) Hey ... Jul 9 07, 15:39 4rum Hey Terry...
I think when contemplating a new d... Jul 21 07, 17:38 Terocon101 Hi Sam,
firstly, it's a pleasure to meet you ... Jul 22 07, 16:35 4rum Morning Terry;
Part of the point there was in the... Jul 23 07, 04:31 JustDaniel ... but I think that others have well noted that 5... Jul 23 07, 09:28 Terocon101 Hey Daniel,
Yeah, I think we're all in mutual... Jul 23 07, 13:56 Lady Poet Yes! Yes! YES!!!
Terry your 4... Sep 27 07, 03:54 Terocon101 Hi Pami,
I have to say I'm happy with that ... Sep 27 07, 07:23 Lady Poet You're so very welcome Terry...this modern for... Sep 27 07, 08:18 Terocon101 Classes...here...?...Well, yes & no, by worksh... Sep 27 07, 11:01 Cleo_Serapis Congrats Terry on your wizard award winning tile... Nov 4 07, 10:43 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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