Yet Unwritten ~ Revised 6/17/07, Rhyme and iambic meter Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Liz, Sue, Eric, Lori and Don!



Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 3

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-sore;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of loyal thoughts
and motley web of frenzied fears
combine upon our battlefields
to armament (their lives a shield)
reprisal games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march the searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestows them pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness leeching helpless souls,
the dye of hope from blood once spilled.
Will sons and daughters soon return
to cherish freedoms they have earned?

Their shadowed myths aren't written yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 2

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament (their lives to shield)
creating games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march o'er searing sands,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons and daughters ever speak
of freedom's right... that which they seek.

Those shadowed myths aren't written yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Revision 1

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
creating games of grave roulette.

Though loved ones march o'er searing sand,
avidity cannot be scorched.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
which they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons return to loving arms,
with dignity and faith unharmed?

Their shadowed myths... unwritten yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07




Yet Unwritten ~ Original

A cache conceals the poignant words,
ambivalence is combat-frayed;
when caught within twilit regimes
so sadly out-of-step that dreams
still bleed accusatory threat.

A battery of inane thoughts
and motley web of insane fears
combine upon the battlefield
in armament, their lives to shield,
while playing games of grave roulette.

More loved ones will be marching soon,
enthusiasm soaring high.
Red, white and blue bestowing pride
that they would never think to hide;
but they don't see the silhouette

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained crimson from the blood that's spilled.
Will they return to earthly home
or will lost spirits heaven roam?

Their story hasn't ended yet...

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cathy ...

In the final stanza, L4, I would suggest switching dignity and faith..

with faith and dignity unharmed

However, the end rhyme arms/unharmed doesn't come off as I liked in the first draft.

Perhaps ...

Will sons and daughters ever know
the freedoms they had gone to sow...

for shadowed myths ... unwritten yet.
or
Their shadowed myth, we'll not forget.

or ...

Will sons return to loving arms
with body,soul and pride unharmed?

Will sons and daughters ever write
of freedoms right-for which they fight ...

shadowed myths aren't written yet -



I am going to be back to this ... so many different things go through my mind and I think some are going still in the opposite direction of your original intent...

Hugs, Liz

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons return to loving arms,
with dignity and faith unharmed?

Their shadowed myths... unwritten yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cathy ...

In the final stanza, L4, I would suggest switching dignity and faith..

with faith and dignity unharmed

However, the end rhyme arms/unharmed doesn't come off as I liked in the first draft.

I know! I'm struggling with the ending.

Perhaps ...

Will sons and daughters ever know
the freedoms they had gone to sow...

for shadowed myths ... unwritten yet.
or
Their shadowed myth, we'll not forget.

or ...

Will sons return to loving arms
with body,soul and pride unharmed?

Will sons and daughters ever write
of freedoms right-for which they fight ...

shadowed myths aren't written yet -

I like your suggestions and some might even work with my original intent. I'm going to think on this for a while. *smiles*



I am going to be back to this ... so many different things go through my mind and I think some are going still in the opposite direction of your original intent...

I know what you mean! Some of my thoughts are going in the wrong direction too. This started out as the poem that couldn't be written yet because I don't know the outcome. Will he come home safe or... well, you know. I may have to rethink my intent!

Hugs, Liz

of darkness stealing 'round the grounds
stained black from those whose blood first spilled.
Will sons return to loving arms,
with dignity and faith unharmed?

Their shadowed myths... unwritten yet.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright May 30, 07

Thanks for coming back Liz! Your help is appreciated.

Hugs,
Cathy