Senescent (Temporary Revisions), Wizard & Faery Awards ~ Triolet Options

[AMETHYST]

Needs polishing for submission to The Guardian Poetry Workshop

. .


*******Third Revision*********

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist ... sitting ... in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.



******Second Revision******


For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.






*******First Revision******

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For The Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.





********Original**********

For The Senescent


To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

OPTIONAL L6 "their triumphs, growing old. What have I done

Reason for edit: Made Temporary Revisions

[Eisa]

Wow Liz! -- I have arrived late here and have nothing to say except this is powerful and well crafted (and I can relate!)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.

That last line is awesome, poweful and poignant!

I think I prefer Senescent for the title for its conciseness.

Great work Liz!

Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Wow Liz! -- I have arrived late here and have nothing to say except this is powerful and well crafted (and I can relate!)

Thanks Snow, I know you certainly can relate. I am still rethinking several lines for improvement. Over all, it is heading in the direction that makes me smile! :)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.

That last line is awesome, poweful and poignant!

I think I prefer Senescent for the title for its conciseness.

Great work Liz!

Hugs Snow

Thank you. I also like that final line, I really wanted to do the twist between 'none/no one" I have been teetering back and forth between 'Counting down Days" and Senescent. I am glad for your feedback, I hold it in high regards! :)

Big Hugs, Liz