Senescent (Temporary Revisions), Wizard & Faery Awards ~ Triolet Options

[AMETHYST]

Needs polishing for submission to The Guardian Poetry Workshop

. .


*******Third Revision*********

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist ... sitting ... in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.



******Second Revision******


For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.






*******First Revision******

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For The Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.





********Original**********

For The Senescent


To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

OPTIONAL L6 "their triumphs, growing old. What have I done

Reason for edit: Made Temporary Revisions

[AMETHYST]

Thanks Kathy - I am also contemplating a slight change in the L1 repeats... as below, which one seems to offer the pause in the right places better.... ?

To merely exist, sitting, in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist ... sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist sitting in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.


Thanks for the encouragement and support on this one! :)

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Thanks Kathy - I am also contemplating a slight change in the L1 repeats... as below, which one seems to offer the pause in the right places better.... ?

To merely exist, sitting, in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist ... sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist sitting in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.


Thanks for the encouragement and support on this one! :)

Hugs, Liz

It's hard to know. But I think the version with the least commas is better: 'To merely exist, sitting in silence...'

Before I opened your thread I was thinking about titles in a vague sort of way, because 'Senescence' seems a bit dry and cold. Your poem is about terminal loneliness; something we all dread. It actually cuts deep, and that gives it its appeal, I think. Dylan Thomas called his famous Villanelle 'Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night' and I think the title is part of the magic, because it came from the poem itself.

I suggest 'Sitting in Silence.' Or 'Counting Down Days.' What do you think? Mmmmm gerund-phobia might go against you. What about 'In Silence.' Something from the poem itself, anyway. Maybe even the entire first line. ???

.