Senescent (Temporary Revisions), Wizard & Faery Awards ~ Triolet Options

[AMETHYST]

Needs polishing for submission to The Guardian Poetry Workshop

. .


*******Third Revision*********

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist ... sitting ... in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.



******Second Revision******


For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.






*******First Revision******

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For The Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.





********Original**********

For The Senescent


To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

OPTIONAL L6 "their triumphs, growing old. What have I done

Reason for edit: Made Temporary Revisions

[JLY]

Liz,
This is well thought out.

My favorite line because it is unfortunately so true....
counting down days until one becomes none

I pose a philosophical question: Can we truly experience something another person has accomplished? or are we just making an observation and being but a witness? Do we experience it or do we just enjoy, relish, savor, champion it?

I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done

JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John

Thank you so much for coming on in. I have to say, although a Triolet should be easy, because it only uses 2 rhymes and in 8 lines, you only have to come up with 5 really. But they are a challenge when someone really wants to make them speak more than those 5 lines offer in words.

I am glad you choose that line as your favorite, actually it was my first line I had in my head and after getting Line 1 in my head, I put them into their positions. But it was the thought of which I created the poem on! And I learn so much from everyone that each time I write one I learn something else that will improve the art of making them. You might want to try one on for size they are fun to make.

I see what you saying about experiencing, technically I wanted no so much 'their triumphs ... ' but life in general. "Living life through the actions of others, their triumphs, joys sorrows losses achievements - their upsets and their humoroous moments all felt for through another's living it. So I guess it is only a half truth and I will think further on it, as I would like to straighten out the context of that area. :)

If something comes to your mind, please come on in and share it! :)


Hugs, Liz

Liz,
This is well thought out.

My favorite line because it is unfortunately so true....
counting down days until one becomes none

I pose a philosophical question: Can we truly experience something another person has accomplished? or are we just making an observation and being but a witness? Do we experience it or do we just enjoy, relish, savor, champion it?

I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done

JLY