Senescent (Temporary Revisions), Wizard & Faery Awards ~ Triolet Options

[AMETHYST]

Needs polishing for submission to The Guardian Poetry Workshop

. .


*******Third Revision*********

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist ... sitting ... in silence,
counting down days? I have become no one.



******Second Revision******


For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For the Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has weakened my will. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.






*******First Revision******

For The Senescent (Alternative Title - For The Aging)


To merely exist ... sitting in silence,
counting down days until one becomes none
has striped away my mind. It makes no sense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting down days? I have become no one.





********Original**********

For The Senescent


To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting. In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

OPTIONAL L6 "their triumphs, growing old. What have I done

Reason for edit: Made Temporary Revisions

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Interesting, Liz. The special attributes of the Triolet are used to advantage here, especially From here:

.................... In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

I will have to come back after this has settled a while, but the beginning doesn't really sit properly. ie:

To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting.

To merely exist, sitting in silence, counting each day

sounds ok to me, but not:

'until one becomes none' I get what you mean, and maybe I am being too picky. But no-one would say it like that. It has to be 'counting down,' doesn't it?

'There is no defense to merely exist' is not a proper sentence either. No defense to what?

So I have to think.

Pesky things, aren't they!

.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Kathy,

Thank you for coming in and giving me some direction with this. I am glad you pin pointed where the context improves, as I was getting that ho drum feeling in the first part also. It seemed to reach toward what I wanted to say, but not exactly touch on it. I have made some minor (poss temp. revisions) and I hope I am heading in the right direction with the revisions. I used 'defense' merely as a place holder, because I knew what I wanted to say, but the best way of saying it hadn't yet presented itself. :) With your nudge to look in the right area, has helped to find some alternatives. THank you.

In L2, as you can see, I've made a slight change adding 'down' - I hope that improves it. I am surely open to whatever help can be offered on this, I would like to get it off to the workshop by Saturday. I think the deadline is the 16th or 18th... I have to take another look.

Hugs, Liz ...

Interesting, Liz. The special attributes of the Triolet are used to advantage here, especially From here:

.................... In Silence,
I watch the lives of others, experience
their triumphs from afar. What have I done
to merely exist, sitting in silence
counting each day? I have become no one.

I will have to come back after this has settled a while, but the beginning doesn't really sit properly. ie:

To merely exist sitting in silence,
counting each day until one becomes none
has left me lonely. There is no defense
to merely exist, sitting.

To merely exist, sitting in silence, counting each day

sounds ok to me, but not:

'until one becomes none' I get what you mean, and maybe I am being too picky. But no-one would say it like that. It has to be 'counting down,' doesn't it?

'There is no defense to merely exist' is not a proper sentence either. No defense to what?

So I have to think.

Pesky things, aren't they!

.