On The Verge, Sonnet in Tersa Rima Options

[Guest_Kathy_*]

On the Verge. (Tersa Rima)

Alone. It's hot. Familiar odours steam
in tones of brown. The trees are breathing earth;
dark humus wets their feet and mine. I lean
against an ancient Puriri, its girth
a measurement of time. It gathers me,
absorbs my consciousness, and gives me birth

into another world ... of energy
that flows between the trees; that fiercely sweeps
in elemental chaos from the sea
and buffets, sneers at innocence that sleeps
upon the threshold. Help! A sly green man
is giggling in the leaves, enchantment creeps

in tangled vines. I run while yet I can,
my feet inspired by panic, lent by Pan.



NB: The Puriri is a New Zealand native tree.

[Norman D Gutter]

Kathy:

I always feel like such a killjoy, coming in after so many positive crits as you've received and saying negative things. So let me preface all this by suggesting you treat this as written by an old coot avoiding starting his work day, who never finds anything good to say. Let me also suggest that you possibly not change a thing in the sonnet. Treat this as a more of an explication, with the explicator wondering why certain things are as they are, than as a critique.

Nothing wrong at all with a terza rima sonnet. I don't see many of them, but possibly it is a technique we sonneteers should look to more often. The interlocking rhymes do not perhaps sound quite as melodic as either of the two main sonnet types, but they do sound good to a formalist's ear. In this case, though, the closeness of your "a" rhyme and "c" rhyme [ -eam and -ee] I found troubling. It sounded like you were using the same rhyme over again, and it was only on the second read I realized it was a slightly different rhyme.

Then, I had trouble trying to figure out the underlying message of the sonnet. Was it a just a description, or was it something deeper? Dusting off a few normally-unused gray cells from the non-dominant side of my brain, I thought till it hurt and decided it is about irrational panic attacks. Am I close? I understand those because my wife gets them.

I'm a bit confused by your verb tenses. You are mostly present tense [is, steam, wets, lean, gathers, absorbs, gives, flows, sweeps, buffets, sneers, sleeps, creeps, run]. Yet, in L2 you have "are breathing" and in L12 you have "is giggling". I guess those are still present tense of "to be" with the verbs turned to gerunds; or is it some kind of present perfect tense or something? I forget those names. Either way, both have the appearance of a change in tense to make meter work. Granted, I didn't see this till the third read.

Some in-lines:

On the Verge.>>> I like the title; it adds to the understanding without giving anything away. In fact, linking this with my idea of the irrational panic attacks, I'd say the message is that the panic attacks are pushing the p/n to the point of insanity--though I might be over-analyzing.

Alone. It's hot. Familiar odours steam
in tones of brown. The trees are breathing earth;>>>I can't get my brain to link odors with colors. This is not a criticism, and is possibly a question of taste, about which there can be no argument. And I love the concept of trees breathing earth. This is my favorite part of the poem.
dark humus wets their feet and mine. I lean>>>Another good concept, ascribing action to the humus soil. Well done.
against an ancient Puriri, its girth
a measurement of time. It gathers me,
absorbs my consciousness, and gives me birth>>>Again, the closeness of vowel sound in "me" to "steam-lean" gives me some confusing with the rhyming scheme without additional, close readings. BTW, I don't think you need the explanation of the tree name. The context makes it obvious you are talking about a tree.

into another world ... of energy
that flows between the trees; that fiercely sweeps>>>I see your volta as being at the semi-colon. Until then, all the images have been positive. Now, suddenly, the energy sweeps fiercely in chaos, and in a couple of lines, will buffet and sneer. All negative concepts which build to the panic attack.
in elemental chaos from the sea>>>I don't understand the elemental chaos. It sounds poetic, but I don't understand why it's in the poem, and what it adds to the understanding. Oh, well, I suppose a critter--er, explicator--can't hope to understand each and every image. Although, that's what explication is all about.
and buffets, sneers at innocence that sleeps
upon the threshold. Help! A sly green man>>>Again, energy flowing betwen trees and sweeping, buffeting, and sneering, all apparently in a forest type setting (or at least not at a house), then doing these to "innocence that sleeps upon the threshold" is a difficult concept for this engineer's mind to grasp. Also, I found the call for "help" before revealing the need for help being backwards. There's some literary term for this, and in novel writing class they drill this into you: Don't reverse the cause and effect.
is giggling in the leaves, enchantment creeps>>> I see enchantment creeping in tangled vines as being more detached from the giggling green man than a comma justifies. This seems a place for a semi-colon, or perhaps an em-dash. Although, I know punctuation usage has evolved differently between the mother country and the colonies, and no doubt from colony to colony as well.

in tangled vines. I run while yet I can,
my feet inspired by panic, lent by Pan.>>>I know nothing of Pan (or any other mythology), and hadn't heard of the movie and book Lori mentioned. He being a sly green man made me think of a leprechaun. It is the mixing of positive and negative concepts in these lines which lead me to the irrational panic attack conclusion: help (negative), giggling (positive), enchantment (positive), tangled (somewhat negative), inspired (positive), panic (negative). Panic being inspring is an oxymoron, and a good one. The "while yet I can" speaks to me of the panic causing the p/n to almost freeze into the inability to do anything; creeping, tangled vines also speaks to this.

Well, to loosely quote Carlyle, this critique is too long, but I have not time to make it shorter. I fear I've done enough damage as is, and have way over-analyzed, but what's done is done.

Best Regards,
NDG