Critiquer of the Month for February Nominations, through March 10th Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in FEBRUARY.



Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:

• Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of FEBRUARY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in February as well.
• Post the two examples in this thread.
• Post only the CRITIQUES.
• Make sure your example critiques are from the month of FEBRUARY.
• State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
• Eligible forums:
  Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
  Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through March 10th, 2007.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!

~ Mosaic Musings Staff

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

I'll second this nomination!

Example #1: Arnfinn's poem, Here We Go Again in Seren's Synapse

Good day John,

Turnabout is fairplay or some such nonsense. i've sat and read this a few times today. You seem to be working the em-dash in your poetry lately, mostly to the benefit of the poems. This one in particular works well with the interruptions that is given in em-dashing lines, as the N is undergoing a private turmoil regarding an incomplete love relationship. i offer some thoughts for change in bold; i didn't comment on every change, because i think some are self-explanatory. i hope this reply finds you penning well, such as this poem......please see below.

A discordant ring,
I wait with silence,
silence that sings— you ---okay, italics for the thought of the N, keep the modified quotes for the actual speech.
Then on cue, a soft…’hello.’

Vibrant notes
cramp my constricted throat ---yeah, i see the play with parched and then a waterfall type image, but i would like to see the failure of force and the subsequent "backwash" that occurs in the last two lines.
whole love notes,
from a bruised heart— ---not bruised if cascading down and based on the later stanzas, cascade seemed to be the modifier out of place; i did offer a repetition of "notes". Hope you don't mind.

Here we go again, ---(comma) no need to use an ellipsis here; keeping the train of thought tight here, adds to the upcoming jumbo'd lines of interrupted, incomplete thoughts, imo.
love is painful—
a strenuous duet—
sublimation in rejection. ---a bit scientific, but the "purification" from heat seems to fit your image, plus you get the sonic repetition of tions/"shuns" ending.

Are we in love? ---italics for thought question.

Love is a play—
you're in the outfield—
sometimes a catch—
sometimes a fumble.

Reflections

The warmth of a hand;
those few strands of stray
hair let loose on your brow…
your gentle kiss…
our lips pressed together…
the hunger and the aches.

I can’t let you go—

‘Hello…’ ---i omitted the "i love you, because all of this shows that very line; we don't need to be told, too...trust us.

i hope this reply finds you well and i am happy to leap back into one of your offerings. Good stuff.
~tim/azurepoetry


Example #2: wordsart's poem, Perspectives in Seren's Synapse:

Hello wordsart,

A pleasure to read you. i've read another poem of yours and i must say i appreciate the style and thoughts offered within these offerings. i like the N's (narrator's) comments/descriptions regarding the birds, the funeral director's (we call them hearses in the US) ambulance and the feeling from the coffee shop.
For me, i have mixed feelings regarding the stanza construction and i am confused about what "recycled people" mean. Rayn mentioned this felt bleak; i would say it flirts with forlorness.

The reason's being that you've placed the poem in February (winter is traditionally a bleak setting for literature...of course), recycled people who know they have little to no tomorrow, a great moment with a hearse bumping the N off her path (i like that subtle allusion a lot by the way) and the conclusion that offers a diminshing of the dot=self. So, yeah, either a forlorn poem or a poem from a zen-buddhist that got a semi-satori on the way home (that's where i get many of mine).

See below for my syntax suggestions. Let me preface this by saying that i think the idea of only two stanzas doesn't do your subject matter any justice. i think by breaking out the stanzas with regards to the place-settings/moments into their own stanzas, the poem will get a sparser sense of placement, illuminating the moments and giving space also lends to time passage of the N as she negotiates her way home, up the hill.
i realise some of these may mirror Snow's reply...please forgive the redundancy.

Another Friday afternoon, ---see below for my thought on the first line...
I walk towards home; ---i think your style seems to lean toward minimalism and there is certainly a place for the style in a piece like this, but i still want the stop that comes from the semi-colon; the semi-colon still links the longer pause to the lower case continuation of "passing" that i have started on the next stanza.

passing the charity shop coffee house
through curved glass,
I see today's recycled people
collecting, chatting about their yesterdays,
knowing their tomorrows hold so little. ---i enjoy snows removal of "and" i add collecting to develop the idea of recycled and give that part a sense of moment with the -ing's that mirror the actual sense of activity by the people. Just a personal taste.

I climb the hill towards the sea.

A February blackbird trills
reminding me
I have seen no thrushes
from the North this winter.

Behind the funeral director's
a private ambulance,
too long for the allotted space,
forces me from my path. ---did i mention i love this part...yup, nice allusion.

Even as the sun sinks, ---i dropped the opening sun line here. Instead of a nigh-prosaic place setting, i added it here to strengthen the metaphorical contrast from the colours we expect of the setting sun and what the sea beyond death looks like.
the sky is blue for ever,
over a quiet sea

And I am just another dot
diminishing
well before
infinity. ---i, personally, don't like the abstract ending. That lends itself to be too telling. i think if you keep the metaphor extended to the end, the reader should be able to get your point. Trust them, they're smart...esp. the folks around here. i wrote a piece recently that had a couple of lines using art terminology to discuss the effect your concluding stanza offers. Allow me an illustration to help:

And I am just another point
vanishing
well before
the horizon line.

Okay, so i've raked this over the coals enough. i hope i was clear enough in my thoughts. Remember: these are just my thoughts and nothing more. i get a sense of sparseness in some of your layout and word choice that i have contradicted and you may not dig my ideas....that's absolutely fine with me. i am a very opinionated critter who does not want to "rewrite" another's work, just offer help through my own headspace. Good luck with this fine piece and i will try and keep on eye on its development.

Cheers!
~tim/azurepoetry