Spirit Fox Options

[Styrmwolf]

Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern

Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Whitney.

I enjoyed your fantasy silver fay world. One suggestion I will make is to try and maintain the same syllable count (line for line). Once you have that down, then meter would come next - applying inner rhythms and rhymes with experience over time. For now, I offer some ideas below for you to ponder as you wish.

I too, got hung up on the archaic language as the vernacular was a bit off in places.

Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)


Full moon rises, {a} silver fay world reborn
{And} [where] {thou,} [thy] flame[-]pelted dryad of hill and fern
stalk[s] {through} emerald shades as a specter forlorn{.}[;]
{Thou,} [S]light ash[-]marked deathbearer, others cannot discern[.]

Blood on snow[-]kissed chin, yet not in {razored} [sharpened] mind
Hunger {slacked} [remiss] with Diana's hard earned blessing. (hard earned is a bit cliché, how about ‘sought after’ instead?)
Ignorants {name thee} [call you] vermin, for they know not your kind[;]
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

Lusting after {thee's} [thy] burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed. { perhaps, with a bloodied rage unknown to your breed. }
Yet {it} [all] is for {nie} [nigh], thou bright eyes match[ing] {their} violent cur
They [are] not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead[.]

And thou restless specter, {are} [is] blessed
Go [and wander] where {thee} [you] might
For only the moonlight's (one word) sacred
Know the secrets of the night[.]