Spirit Fox Options

[Styrmwolf]

Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern

Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night

[AMETHYST]

Hi Whitney,

First I wanted to say there were a couple of words that I wasn't familiar with and I learned something I might be able to use in my future poetry! So thank you! ...

The story does become a bit confusing with the archaic language. I often like archaic language when it is done sparingly and seems to flow smoothly with the images. In your wonderful story of a magical world, and the tragedy that had fallen upon it. (this was my interpretation) The images are marvelously enchanting, but they lose their grace and power when the reader has to stop and contemplate the awkwardness of the 'thee, thou's etc... '

Some instanza comments and suggestions. I hope something might be helpful and please remember that these are only thoughts and you can either use what might be in line with your intention or disregard them. I think this has 'GREAT" potential and only needs to be drawn out clearer for the reader to spend more time enjoying the imagery and movement, rather than rereading to make it fit.

Another thought I wanted to leave you and will offer some suggestions to tighten up your lines and meter. With Rhyme I always feel that rhythm, go hand in hand!

Best Wishes, Liz

(Lovely Work)

Full moon rises, a silver fay world reborn
And thou, flame pelted dryad of hill and fern
Stalk through emerald shades as a specter forlorn.
Thou, slight ash marked death bearer, others cannot discern

L1: the image is awesome. I also didn't know the meaning of 'fay' and found it a thrilling and most inticing word. I have several poems that could make great use of the word and I thank you for introducing it to us. The image comes through as... the full moon enters the night sky, and little elves and pixies awaken and their world comes to life while ours is a sleep. This is how I read this. Perhaps...

As full moon rises, silver fay worlds are reborn (making 12 syllables)
or
Full moon ascends, a silver fay world ... reborn (making 10 syllables)

In L2, the 'And thou... ' really does break the image and too quickly, jarring the reader from the image set in their minds eye.

L3, is 'stalk' the word that you really mean? ... Perhaps I am not getting the intent of the image, and/or the phrase 'specter forlorn'

L4, Again, I would lose the 'thou'


Blood on snow kissed chin, yet not in razored mind
Hunger slacked with Diana's hard earned blessing.
Ignorants name thee vermin, for they know not your kind
Silva's feral heart shatters as they ride, lusting.

S2L1, This image, although very powerful and strong seems to conflict with the images of S1, has S2, taken us from the emerald greenery, hills and ferns-into a wintry place? In L2, the introduction of "Diana" I think is too vague. It made me stop to wonder if this poem is about a Well known Myth, that I don't know, perhaps the Greek Mythology, in which case, I wouldn't know the story and her name appearence interupts the read. Leaving me wondering what part does she have and how has she caused this hunger


Lusting after thee's burning fur
With blood rage not known to thou's breed.
Yet it is for nie, thou bright eyes match their violent cur
They not of the wood, soon turn back to a benevolent mead

L1, 'thee' isn't the right use here, if you choose to keep the archaic language, perhaps 'thy ... burning fur' I love the use of 'cur' ...


And thou restless specter, are blessed
Go where thee might
For only the moon light's sacred
Know the secrets of the night

Excellent ending. I would only suggest changing the 'thee in L2.