A Wintry Heart-Final Revision, Wizard Award ~ Rondeau #2 Options

[AMETHYST]

These temporary revisions have been stirred by many of your suggestions and guidences. TY!

~~~~~Third Revision ... TY ALL ~~~~~
He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, hatchlings peep at skies of blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old aches; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.




~~~~~Temporary Revision~~~~~

He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.


~~~~~~Original Draft~~~~~~~~~

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Depression, selfishness had lent
a hand to his coldness, he spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of who were innocent
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few
And by the grace of God, anew...
he died in Spring.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Jan 28 07, 14:23

[TygerTyger]

Hey Liz!

I'm wasn't familiar with this form and had to look it up. I read your first one and liked it too.

I'm still quite new at 'formal' poetry, but here are my thoughts for your most august consideration.

First off this first stanza really grabbed me and sent me running, like going downhill. It's a very upbeat beginning, with some good imagery to set up the hopeful ending.
I felt, at first, that there shold be a comma after bloom, but the dash does meld the two words and makes for a smoother read. Although the mechanism of a scent sending birds flying is somewhat mysterious... (*joke*)

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

Since I didn't read that there were metrical requirements in a rondeau, just a rhyme pattern, I felt that leaving out the conjunction in the first line slowed the read down to much. Like hitting a wall after going down hill. I think your reader needs a gentler brake.
I know word choice is perogative, but, in the first line, I think the two nouns together form something of a cliche. Perhaps changing one of the two to a synonym might also help to emphasize a the reason behind your protagonist coldness. Like 'dejection' for "depression" or 'egotism' for "selfishness".

Depression and selfishness had lent
thier hand to his coldness. He spent <- Would you consider breaking it here into two sentences? The change would also pair it well with your third stanza were there is that break. I also feel that changing "a" to 'their' would generate a more sympathetic response in your reader
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring <- I like the use of a question here because it helps set up a familiarity between the speaker and the listener

If I may be so bold, this stanza could use more work to clarify your intent that he made ammends to those he wounded before he died.
So, for what it may be worth to you and without further explanantion, letting the suggestions speak for themselves, this is how my ears would clarify it.

the wounds of all the innocent
ones began to heal. His heart's intent
was to soothe old hurts, for he had caused a few.
And, by the grace of God, renewed, <- 'Renewed' seems to me to better convey this change in him than "anew" which implies that something is added rather than changed for the better.
he died in Spring.

You started the poem with a real poetic ride: Wheeeeee! But by the end you semed to be setling into a more conversational tone, like you were telling someone of the joy he brought for his changed heart and as you spoke, slowly turning it into a solemn thanks. This understanding is what my suggestions were based on.

And as always may all things be only as you wish!

Dennis!

[AMETHYST]

Hey Liz!

I'm wasn't familiar with this form and had to look it up. I read your first one and liked it too.

I'm still quite new at 'formal' poetry, but here are my thoughts for your most august consideration.

Hi Dennis,

I had read many Rondeaus but had never completed one until these two. I would suggest to anyone, especially if you are just learning formed poetry to try one on for size. But becareful they are very addictive! :)

First off this first stanza really grabbed me and sent me running, like going downhill. It's a very upbeat beginning, with some good imagery to set up the hopeful ending.
I felt, at first, that there shold be a comma after bloom, but the dash does meld the two words and makes for a smoother read. Although the mechanism of a scent sending birds flying is somewhat mysterious... (*joke*)

He died by spring, just as the scent
of gardenia bloom-wafting, sent
fledglings to flight in skies lit blue;
while winter ice turned morning dew
and rainbow rays stirred sentiment.

In L2, I think once the s gets added to bloom it will enhance the dash, I am trying to place a longer pause ... The scent of spring in the air, an indication to fly 'home ward...' L4, with winter melting into morning dew is to bring out that change more pronoucned. I am not sure if my intention is strong enough yet, perhaps with some revisions...it will be much clearer.

Since I didn't read that there were metrical requirements in a rondeau, just a rhyme pattern, I felt that leaving out the conjunction in the first line slowed the read down to much. Like hitting a wall after going down hill. I think your reader needs a gentler brake.
I know word choice is perogative, but, in the first line, I think the two nouns together form something of a cliche. Perhaps changing one of the two to a synonym might also help to emphasize a the reason behind your protagonist coldness. Like 'dejection' for "depression" or 'egotism' for "selfishness".

I agree. I have a few thoughts I've been mulling over, as this line is certainly one I was not satisfied with and I am glad to consider your thoughts on it. Good feedback Dennis!
I do like the use of dejection... I will be contemplating further possibilities!

Depression and selfishness had lent
thier hand to his coldness. He spent <- Would you consider breaking it here into two sentences? The change would also pair it well with your third stanza were there is that break. I also feel that changing "a" to 'their' would generate a more sympathetic response in your reader
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring <- I like the use of a question here because it helps set up a familiarity between the speaker and the listener

I like your idea of switching a to their and you've provided excellent reasoning for your suggestion. I will most likely be putting it to use! THank you. Also thank you for noting the question ... Who knew he died? To show his life style, recluse had left him so alone that even in his turning points noone was around to grieve him.

If I may be so bold, this stanza could use more work to clarify your intent that he made ammends to those he wounded before he died.
So, for what it may be worth to you and without further explanantion, letting the suggestions speak for themselves, this is how my ears would clarify it.

I agree!

the wounds of all the innocent
ones began to heal. His heart's intent
was to soothe old hurts, for he had caused a few.
And, by the grace of God, renewed, <- 'Renewed' seems to me to better convey this change in him than "anew" which implies that something is added rather than changed for the better.
he died in Spring.

Your suggestions for L1 and L4 are perfect substitutions, especially renewed. I think that was what I had been intended and in a fit of getting it finished I settled on a new ...
As for L3, too many syllables. It is to be octasyllablic. 8 syllables per line.
But you are correct in that it needs some clarity.

Good feedback here as well. Most helpful and allowing me possibilities for my revisions.

You started the poem with a real poetic ride: Wheeeeee! But by the end you semed to be setling into a more conversational tone, like you were telling someone of the joy he brought for his changed heart and as you spoke, slowly turning it into a solemn thanks. This understanding is what my suggestions were based on.

And as always may all things be only as you wish!

That is sort of the description of his life. He started with a bang and by end he was calmer, more settled and very casual toward the roller coaster ride he brought eveyone on during his life! I will look for ways to spice up the ending as well. I do want to have a more prominant ending ...

THanks Dennis, you've offered excellent suggestions and interpretted many of my intentions perfectly to allow for good sturctured suggestions. Will hope to hear from you on revision!

Best Wishes, Liz