 LAST LETTER, Wizard Award |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
  Sep 19 06, 12:41
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting  |
 Thank you, everyone, for your invaluable assistance and ideas!! The change is rather big, so I'm open to more crits!!! REVISION LAST LETTER A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show up at church… expectant Dad pacing corridors, waiting for Baby to be born… committing a murder, accepting God’s salvation of his soul is improbable… a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… Unforgiving, time has revealed certainty: I know you’ve penned me …your last letter. By Psyche Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006. THE LETTER It’s like a groom sweating before his bride shows up at church. It’s like anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution. It’s like committing a wrong, praying for God’s salvation of your soul. It’s like striding up and down, waiting for a baby to be born. It’s like a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night’s terrors. It’s the love letter you’ll never send me… By Psyche Copyright:Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006. ·······  ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
  
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Oct 4 06, 09:24
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Hi Sylvia,
At first I wasn't sure if I liked the revision as well as the first one but the more I've read both... the revision wins out. LOL You seem to have created a sequence of events and a timeline in which they might have happened. A few suggestions for you to use or lose... Cathy A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… I wouldn't use 'dad' cause he wouldn't be until the baby was actually born. *smiles* Maybe just 'pacing corridors' as a continuation of verse one? committing knowing God’s salvation of is improbable… but it isn't improbable, is it? Maybe 'afraid' instead of 'knowing' as though he's not sure of his faith? A grown man’s hope Capitalize new sentence to indicate seperate thoughts? that dawn will dispel night terrors… I would swap verses 3 & 4 around... as though the 'night terrors' had caused the penchant for murder? A grown man's hope that dawn will dispel night terrors... committing murder, afraid God's salvation of your soul is improbable... anticipating on the eve of execution… Unnecessary maybe? Would everyone know the governor would be the one to issue a reprieve? Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned …your last letter to me. Why the elipsis here? A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… A grown man's hope that dawn will dispel night terrors... committing murder, afraid God’s salvation of his soul is improbable… on Death Row, anticipating reprieve on the eve of execution… Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned your last letter to me. |
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Posts in this topic
Psyche LAST LETTER Sep 19 06, 12:41 
Peggy Carpenter Harwood Hi Psyche,
I'm not good at critiquing free ve... Sep 19 06, 14:13 
Psyche QUOTE (Peggy Carpenter Harwood @ Sep 19 06, 2... Sep 19 06, 17:12 Cyn Ah Sylvia
Such a feeling write
I love the sentime... Sep 19 06, 16:39 Psyche Hi Cyn !
You know, thanks to your suggestion, ... Sep 19 06, 17:16 Cathy Hi Sylvia!
Cyn's suggestions for the firs... Sep 19 06, 18:45 Psyche Hi Cathy!
Wonderful suggestions, thank you... Sep 20 06, 14:25 Gregory Sylvia, I agree with your previous posts about the... Sep 20 06, 05:09 Psyche Hi Gregory !
Yes, the modifications sound ... Sep 20 06, 14:28 azurepoetry Hi Sylvia,
i love Cathy's trimming of your pi... Sep 20 06, 09:43 Psyche Hi Tim !
I'll confess to you, and you ... Sep 20 06, 14:39 azurepoetry Sylvia,
No, no. i meant my rearraingment was corn... Sep 20 06, 14:41 Psyche QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Sep 20 06, 21:41 ) 8... Sep 20 06, 14:47 azurepoetry Sylvia,
Sorry, i responded so quickly to your com... Sep 20 06, 14:49 Psyche Great, Tim! Asking questions is the best way t... Sep 20 06, 15:20 azurepoetry Sylvia,
It's not necessary to have cohesion a... Sep 20 06, 16:16 Psyche QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Sep 20 06, 23:16 ) 8... Sep 24 06, 10:49 ohsteve Sylvia.. I have read this piece now four times, an... Sep 21 06, 12:46 Psyche QUOTE (ohsteve @ Sep 21 06, 19:46 ) 83806... Sep 24 06, 10:45 Cleo_Serapis Hi Sylvia.
Apologies if I repeat anything as I ha... Sep 24 06, 12:06 Psyche QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Sep 24 06, 19:06 ) ... Sep 24 06, 13:16 Psyche Hi Cleo, Tim, Steve, Cathy, Peggy and everyone who... Sep 26 06, 10:21 Psyche QUOTE (Cathy @ Oct 4 06, 16:24 ) 84504Hi ... Oct 4 06, 10:49 JustDaniel I've read this over and over, and then read ot... Oct 4 06, 11:37 Psyche Hey Daniel!
You've made me laugh outri... Oct 4 06, 12:34 JustDaniel Hey, Sylvia!
Don't even be thinkin' o... Oct 4 06, 13:14 Psyche Right, Daniel, I get your point... There will b... Oct 4 06, 18:03 Cleo_Serapis Hi Sylvia.
I really find your revised ending:
... Oct 4 06, 18:58 Psyche Oh, Cleo, I'm so relieved you like the revisio... Oct 10 06, 12:40 AMETHYST Hi Sylvia,
I cannot believe this slipped by me a... Oct 5 06, 11:19 Psyche Hi Liz!
I'm very glad you've dropp... Oct 10 06, 12:57 Cyn well Syl
I may be the lone dissenter
See all the ... Oct 5 06, 13:30 Psyche Thank goodness for dissenters, Cyn! Without yo... Oct 10 06, 13:05 jgdittier Dear Psyche,
I'm only exploring, but this, my ... Oct 10 06, 09:27 Psyche QUOTE (jgdittier @ Oct 10 06, 16:27 ) 848... Oct 10 06, 13:00 Psyche Thank you all for your help with this difficult on... Oct 12 06, 09:43 Cleo_Serapis Congrats Sylvia on your wizard award winning tile!... Jan 28 07, 16:13 Cathy Congratulations on your Wizard Award Sylvia!
... Jan 28 07, 19:18 Psyche Hi Cleo & Cathy!
Ooooooooo, what an un... Jan 29 07, 12:35 azurepoetry Hey there Sylvia,
A belated congrats on your awar... Mar 4 07, 00:54 Siren Hey Sylvia,
Congrats on the award. Really a deser... Mar 4 07, 11:06 Psyche Hi Dani & Tim!
Thanks so much for your co... Mar 7 07, 13:58 AMETHYST Congrats Sylvia ...
This is nearing it's high po... Mar 8 07, 01:15 115 User(s) are reading this topic (115 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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