Within My Reach (Revised Sep 24th), A response to Emily Dickinson Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Note: This was orignally written in December, 2003 and posted in Homers Homilies:
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=1242

Within My Reach
(response to Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

I found a place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo - bright and clear,
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free,
to join my long-lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love; there is no end.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal Light renewed.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter
All rights reserved by Lorraine M Kanter as an unpublished work


Original:

I found the place I now call home
mortality is gone.
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw, within my reach
a halo, bright and clear.
Embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a guiding hand,
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free
to join my long lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love, there is no end.

The children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew,
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light and trust renewed.

Here is Ms. Dickinson's Poem that I responded to:
Because I could not stop for Death

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,
Their lessons scarcely done;
We passed the fields of grazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 't is centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
Although you've not seen any comments from me above, it's time to tell you I've been
following the progress being made and learning at every stage.
Your having paraphrased well-known poem by a famous poet caught my attention immediately. My first thought was that there wasn't much need for improvement and while I'll stick to that view, I also see the sparkle the polishing brought.
I note that Dickinson, being of yore, wrote in measured feet. Modern practice seems to emphasize syllable count rather than feet, but in both Em's and yours, the rhythm is maintained.
It seems to me that your version is more cheerful and comporting than hers. Your line including taking the hand, I believe, has magic in it.
Now that its form is as perfect as it will get, compare the messages. If it's the message that makes the poet,...
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo,
Although you've not seen any comments from me above, it's time to tell you I've been
following the progress being made and learning at every stage.
Your having paraphrased well-known poem by a famous poet caught my attention immediately. My first thought was that there wasn't much need for improvement and while I'll stick to that view, I also see the sparkle the polishing brought.
I note that Dickinson, being of yore, wrote in measured feet. Modern practice seems to emphasize syllable count rather than feet, but in both Em's and yours, the rhythm is maintained.
It seems to me that your version is more cheerful and comporting than hers. Your line including taking the hand, I believe, has magic in it.
Now that its form is as perfect as it will get, compare the messages. If it's the message that makes the poet,...
Cheers, Ron jgd

Hello Ron.

I'm ever so grateful for your visit to my tile!

You are very kind and I am extemely flattered by your kind words. It's amazing what a few word changes can bring about. I am like many, in that I do not concentrate so much on syllables as much as the 'sound and rhythm' of each line. That is my favorite line So I'm glad you mentioned it too, it's an uplifting of sorts.

You should know me Ron, I am always after the message in a poem or story and wanted this one to bring about a smile and a hopeful insight.

Thanks so much for stopping by!
~Cleo