Breakfast at Bobbie McGee’s, Life Options

[Arnfinn]

A few weeks ago Pam and I spent a few days in Canberra. Our venue for breakfast was the hotel’s restaurant, Bobbie McGee’s. One morning whilst we were eating breakfast I noticed a puny macho business man sitting at a table on my left. Later a stunning young redheaded woman sat opposite the man, who was obviously a company executive.



Breakfast at Bobbie McGee’s

He sat on the other side,
though his head was somewhere
between the third button on her
green blouse and half parted pink lips.

A red headed beauty;
a babe crawling amongst old growth—
next weeks work performance topic
around a company board table.

She, at her plate,
Green eyed, neck flounced ringlets,
shaped white linen from waist to knee.
Unpainted fingers cuddling curved
handles.

He mouthed sideways,
phone mid shoulder and ear: expression
for impression— mind on the evenings
project. He winked and gave a sickly
smile.

Arnfinn

[azurepoetry]

Hi John,

And here i was thinking this would relate to Janis Joplin.
i, too, offer kudos for being allowed to have breakfast there, without having to pay the tab.
Conversely, i offer so nits...and they are just nits. See what you think...

Breakfast at Bobbie McGee’s

He sat on the other side,
though his head was somewhere
between the third button on her
green blouse and half parted pink lips. ---nice choices here. Scumbag alert.

A red headed beauty;
a babe crawling amongst old growth— ---this is superb. Maybe crawling against, too, but that doesn't support your poem.
next weeks work performance topic
around a company board table. ---yep, that's male trash talk.

She, at her plate,
Green eyed, neck flounced ringlets, ---two things. once you told me she was a read head in S3, i already knew she had green eyes, because of the blouse colour. Red-heads tend to wear white, black, pink, lavendar/purple or eye colour/hue as tops. i was actually hoping to get something more on the eyes to suggest her headspace. Doe eyed, blank stared, something original instead, etc. The other, neck flounced ringlets? Does that mean she was making tight circular movements with her neck? Grant it i had to look up 'flounced'...nice word...but i still had trouble trying to visualize this action...and my neck is sore now, too. Maybe bobbing...i know that may be a little too suggestive. Just a thought.
shaped white linen from waist to knee.
Unpainted fingers cuddling curved
handles. ---this solid detail and suggestive of a possible corporate "merger".

He mouthed sideways,
phone mid shoulder and ear: expression ---i love the above line as a set up, what do you think of simply saying, phone cradled against his shoulder: expression?
for impression— mind on the evenings ---i think a transitionary word like 'now' before 'mind' to indicate his headspace has switched slightly. Oh, and an apostrophe as Daniel mentioned.
project. He winked and gave a sickly ---what do you think of changing 'project' to 'projections'? That would help show the change in headspace in time, and anticipation for the guy.
smile. ---i read this line twice, that he was smiling to the N, then realized he never took his eyes off the lady. Then everything fell into place. i'm slow.

Arnfinn

Hope i'm not off on the translation of this piece between the two exec's. Maybe you were going for a more wistful fantasy on the part of the guy, but i took it and ran with the line "babe crawling....".

Thanks for the read, John, i was there, and am frequently at my job (N.Y.- style steakhouse),
~tim

Addendum: The comment about her eyes was in regards to some type of allusion to the red head's participation (or lack thereof) in this scenario. Is she oblivious, disgusted, scared, money-hungery, etc. This would add another dimension to the read, if the N can notice all of this, some type of discernment of the woman's disposition would be interesting (even if she's apathetic, that would say something, too). Again, i could be off in my interp and if so, my apologies. ~tim

[Arnfinn]

Hi John,

And here i was thinking this would relate to Janis Joplin.
i, too, offer kudos for being allowed to have breakfast there, without having to pay the tab.
Conversely, i offer so nits...and they are just nits. See what you think...

Breakfast at Bobbie McGee’s

He sat on the other side,
though his head was somewhere
between the third button on her
green blouse and half parted pink lips. ---nice choices here. Scumbag alert.

A red headed beauty;
a babe crawling amongst old growth— ---this is superb. Maybe crawling against, too, but that doesn't support your poem.
next weeks work performance topic
around a company board table. ---yep, that's male trash talk.

She, at her plate,
Green eyed, neck flounced ringlets, ---two things. once you told me she was a read head in S3, i already knew she had green eyes, because of the blouse colour. Red-heads tend to wear white, black, pink, lavendar/purple or eye colour/hue as tops. i was actually hoping to get something more on the eyes to suggest her headspace. Doe eyed, blank stared, something original instead, etc. The other, neck flounced ringlets? Does that mean she was making tight circular movements with her neck? Grant it i had to look up 'flounced'...nice word...but i still had trouble trying to visualize this action...and my neck is sore now, too. Maybe bobbing...i know that may be a little too suggestive. Just a thought.
shaped white linen from waist to knee.
Unpainted fingers cuddling curved
handles. ---this solid detail and suggestive of a possible corporate "merger".

He mouthed sideways,
phone mid shoulder and ear: expression ---i love the above line as a set up, what do you think of simply saying, phone cradled against his shoulder: expression?
for impression— mind on the evenings ---i think a transitionary word like 'now' before 'mind' to indicate his headspace has switched slightly. Oh, and an apostrophe as Daniel mentioned.
project. He winked and gave a sickly ---what do you think of changing 'project' to 'projections'? That would help show the change in headspace in time, and anticipation for the guy.
smile. ---i read this line twice, that he was smiling to the N, then realized he never took his eyes off the lady. Then everything fell into place. i'm slow.

Arnfinn

Hope i'm not off on the translation of this piece between the two exec's. Maybe you were going for a more wistful fantasy on the part of the guy, but i took it and ran with the line "babe crawling....".

Thanks for the read, John, i was there, and am frequently at my job (N.Y.- style steakhouse),
~tim

Addendum: The comment about her eyes was in regards to some type of allusion to the red head's participation (or lack thereof) in this scenario. Is she oblivious, disgusted, scared, money-hungery, etc. This would add another dimension to the read, if the N can notice all of this, some type of discernment of the woman's disposition would be interesting (even if she's apathetic, that would say something, too). Again, i could be off in my interp and if so, my apologies. ~tim

How are you Tim,


Pleased to meet you, mate.

Yeah, Funny things about the colour schemes. First of all, this was a beatiful woman in her early twenties. Anyway, she wore red listick so I changed that to pink, I forgot to compensate for the green blouse in relation to eyes i'll have to change that. Thank ye...About the flounce thingo. Perhaps a bad metaphor I used 'flounce' in relation to a gathered edge of fabric at hem of a skirt ^v^v. Once again this lovely woman had deep red ringlets that ^v^v^ curled up and down at her neckline. I'll have to think about this met.

Haa, Haa, Corporate merger...Dunno, to my way of thinking, she was a first tripper, she didn't know the routine of the dining room, didn't know where to get plates, didn't know where the toast making machine was etc. (Yeah, I had fallen under her spell I was wachin her too).

'phone cradled against his shoulder: expression' Yeah, that sound good I'll have look at that.

'(now) mind on the evenings' Another good idea, Tim.

Don't know about "projections" though, I see ya point though. She was definately going to be the afternoons project.

You got the picture Tim, eyes were on high beam all the time.

Good point again about the eyes. My impression is that she was the innocent party sitting at the sacrificial table.

Thank mate, for comments on my poetry, you've given me a lot of ideas.

I'll start me revision soon.

John