Within My Reach (Revised Sep 24th), A response to Emily Dickinson Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Note: This was orignally written in December, 2003 and posted in Homers Homilies:
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=1242

Within My Reach
(response to Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

I found a place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo - bright and clear,
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free,
to join my long-lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love; there is no end.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal Light renewed.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter
All rights reserved by Lorraine M Kanter as an unpublished work


Original:

I found the place I now call home
mortality is gone.
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

‘Twas there I saw, within my reach
a halo, bright and clear.
Embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a guiding hand,
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free
to join my long lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love, there is no end.

The children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew,
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light and trust renewed.

Here is Ms. Dickinson's Poem that I responded to:
Because I could not stop for Death

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility.

We passed the school where children played,
Their lessons scarcely done;
We passed the fields of grazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.

We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Since then 't is centuries; but each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Lori,

I am shocked I hadn't posted my comments to this. I know I read it and made several notes... Just wondering if old age caught up with me and I might have thought I did and didn't. Apologies!

You've received some excellent feedback and revisions have been well worth the post. I haven't had the opportunity to reread through the others comments so forgive me if I repeat or sound like an idiot...

First I wanted to commend you on the response poem. Your piece, to my ear, is more pleasing than Emily's... and I think a lot of her work...

Let's see what I can offer...


Hugs, Liz

Within My Reach
(response to Emily Dickinson's "Because I Could Not Stop For Death")

I found the place I now call home -
mortality is gone;
I took the path past flowered fields
to glimpse a pristine dawn.

Suggest 'a place' instead of the place' or in line switch 'the path' to a path' The visual images you've presented are the hook for me. The alliteration is smooth and unforced, place/path/past/pristine all blend nicely and still each hold an important point within the meaning of the poem. Nice work.

‘Twas there I saw within my reach
a halo - bright and clear,
embedded ‘round the circled light
reflecting in my sphere.

Not a nit here... excellent visuals, that are continuous to lend the reader a sharp and crisp scene in their minds, that also maintains a clear focus on intent.

And as I gazed upon its glow
I felt a Guiding Hand
that brought me to a place I've known
within His mighty land.

My Fear has left; I've been set free,
to join my long-lost friends.
The Light has linked my family
in love; there is no end.

Our children play, His Angels teach
Humanity anew;
in Heaven’s hopes and dreams we find
eternal light renewed.

you Know Lori, I have read, and reread this several times and I love every word as it is... The only real nit I can offer is in the first stanza, and even that is too minor to really consider.

Hugs, Liz

I would send this to several of the Christian or other family magazines.. that would be interested. Let' me take a look in the Poet's market Book and see what mags are accepting and when...

Will PM you!

Hugs, Liz