Undertones Options

[Aphrodite]

Crispy leaves drift sunspun air;
wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,
chilling sorrow aches my bones.
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood undertones.

Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart
once upon the greenery.

[Aphrodite]

Dear Aphro !

Neat, esp as it is 7 syllables per line precisely. I objected to the first line and thought you should add an "in", but instead, to keep it at 7s, just put a comma after "drift".

Crispy leaves drift peaceful air;
wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,
chilling sorrow aches my bones. - sorrowS ache is smoother
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones. - cheery childhood's undertones ?

Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,
once upon the greenery. (Once such brilliant greenery - perhaps ?)

(Here is where I fall out ! autumn's scenery is not greenery, more like reddery. orangery, yellowy, but apart from this peculiarity (and I do know what you're saying), this is a lovely poem. Can you amend that last line ? It sort of fizzles out.

You have a lovely elegiac feel to this one.

Love
Alan

Hello Alan~

Thanks, for commenting. :)
Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,
once upon the greenery. (Once such brilliant greenery - perhaps ?)

(Here is where I fall out ! autumn's scenery is not greenery, more like reddery. orangery, yellowy, but apart from this peculiarity (and I do know what you're saying), this is a lovely poem. Can you amend that last line ? It sort of fizzles out.

You have a lovely elegiac feel to this one.


***This whole poem is about how life was once colorful, lovely and free, and now the reality of "living" has brought-out life's truths. (and heartaches) A bittersweet look at "undertones" of happiness. Trying to see "beauty through the trees."
Actually, one of my favorite lines is:
Once upon the greenery. In other words, before the leaves change, (life) and when everything was lush and living.
Does that make sense?

I do appreciate your input and will ponder some of your ideas.

Take care~
A