Critiquer of the month for JUNE Noms, please reply by December 15th Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JUNE.  :block:

       

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:
[*]Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JUNE. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic start date OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in February as well.  
[*]Post the two examples in this thread.
[*]Post only the CRITIQUES.
[*]Make sure your examples are from the month of JUNE.
[*]State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
[*]Eligible forums:
Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations

Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through December 15th, 2005.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!  
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!  

Mosaic Musings Staff       :roman:      

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I would like to nominate Cybele for COM.

This crit from A Rosebud Glimpsed On Morning Walk in Herme's.

Good morning Cathy,  

Firstly, let me say I congratulate you on being able to not only read Burns, but to understand the language! There are many people over this side of the pond who would have great trouble comprehending his Ayrshire dialect ~ so well done.

I join Nina and Fran in saying that I too find your poem far more romantic than the original.

There is only one tiny point I would like to make and this is just a matter of preference Cathy;

Her queenly grace unfolds in June,
outshining e'en the brightest moon.

The use of the word 'e'en' harkens back to an earlier era of poetry and I think it just slightly weakens your lovely work. Contractions are never attractive in poetry IMHO, and here it seems to be a slight bow to Burns. You don't need to do that Cathy. Although his poem inspired you, many, many poets use the same theme over and over again.

If you change this one word you can dissociate yourself from that work entirely. Using the full word 'even' (which can be read aloud as one syllable) is perfectly possible without spoiling your rhythm. If you read it aloud you will see what I mean.

Just a thought Cathy. Thank you for the lovey read.  

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Love

Grace


This crit from Solstice, also in Herme's.

Good morning Fran,  

What a lovely picture you paint here.     I know how you feel, I have many days sitting in the garden with my eyes closed, feeling exactly as you do in this poem.  

I had only one thought Fran..

Quote sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;

I couldn't see how the sun could melt something which was not frozen.

To keep and enhance the alliteration could I suggest


Sun-soaked days air dream-drowned nights ?

Thank you for the lovely read.  

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Love

Grace