Critiquer of the month for JUNE Noms, please reply by December 15th Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Calling all writers of the Mosaic!

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JUNE.  :block:

       

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

The details:
[*]Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JUNE. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic start date OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in February as well.  
[*]Post the two examples in this thread.
[*]Post only the CRITIQUES.
[*]Make sure your examples are from the month of JUNE.
[*]State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
[*]Eligible forums:
Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations

Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations

Nominations will be taken through December 15th, 2005.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.

Good luck all!  
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!  

Mosaic Musings Staff       :roman:      

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi

I'd like to nominate Lori for COM in June.  Despite having so much else to do she always manages to give carefully considered and very helpful in depth crits.

Affected by you by Siren - posted in Seren's

Hi Daniah.

What a poignant piece - the sorrow so deeply felt.  

Your words have such a powerful impact! A longing so deep....

You've made some excellent revisions already. I have just a few word swaps for you to ponder below. [delete] {add}

Painted in my memory,
Lori

Come watch sorrow spill forth
from drooping lids, and [notice] {observe} * a bit stronger intent
my brown irises swimming
in a well of tears.
Feel my fingers tighten,
circling the hope with your presence
in my heart.

I'd string my wishes
on the thread of your affection,  *comma not needed preceding ‘and’
and kneel before the world
in your embrace,
if only you'd rescue me  
from this misery.

Tonight, I shall clear my mind
of painful memories;
ignore the sting on my bruised body,
and cling to the opiate touch
of our [shared] {collective} dreams.
For within them, you are my knight
whisking me away from [sorrow] {regret}. * so as not to duplicate


and

in Mental Fatigue by Linda also in Seren's


Hi Linda.  

I've finally had a chance to read this fine piece of yours!  

First let me say that I edited your original post since I saw your revision as a reply. We like to ask our members to please post their revisions in the original and to leave the original there too so we can see the changes as they occur.

OK - I am one who looks at titles and finds the link in the work. This is brilliant! I can FEEL the intensity grow with each stanza!

Since you use some punctuation, I'll offer it in my critique below.
[delete] {add}

Necrotic daylight,                              
crimson waves,
dripping into pools
of dark deception;
stagnant air
grasp[ing]{s} [for] the last clarity of light.

In L6, I would suggest 'grasps' and an endstop after light.

Illusions echo—imagination:
I [need to] {must} face the blistering dark
melancholy memories that
dig deep into my brain.
On and on into the night
I walk helpless---perhaps insane.

If you want to make the need a requirement, why not not change it from 'need to' to 'must'? Add endstop in L6.

Deficient in color
shadows compensate
as waves of motion
ooze through the spaces
that spawn my fate

Nice! Perhaps a pause, endstop or ellipse after 'fate'?

A hypnotic hum
surrounds my head
like an opiate
sent to drive me mad.

Darkness becomes the oppressor,
seductress in her domain
observing the quality of discomfort
massed upon the damned..

Now, we're talking! Love the build-up and personification here!

[The] Night still refuses
to recognize [the] day
and belches poisonous phrases
‘till [the] {an} animated brightness
burns the eye of doubt
with the potency of its power
[and] drive[s]{ing} the bitter darkness out.

Well done!
~Cleo