A Visit, ballade metre with internal rhyme Options

[jgdittier]

A point of light, the jets fire bright,     change fire to flare
we sail the universe.
Those lights we see- our galaxy!        change those lights to the glow
In zillion stars, immersed.

On our return, our "world" will learn
of lesser life in space.
Our visit took a second look.
They are a different race.

The life we met had no flight yet,*
They chose to stare in awe.
When our ship docked, they all flocked, change they all to a huge crowd
entranced by all they saw.
*intergalactic

Their age was stone and that alone
was used when time to build.
We taught them math, the stellar path;
for we are wise and skilled.

They bowed to us and made such fuss    keeping the u sound
as though we were divine.
I'll not deny, was with a sigh,
but their thought, never mine.

We do not know how much they'll "grow".
We saw them near to birth.
I'll no more roam, I'm headed home.
"Goodbye" to planet Earth.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Ron,

What a pleasure to read this poem! Beautiful rhymes and inner sonics, as well as strong steady rhthym. I also enjoyed the subject. There were a few very minor weak points that, although don't demand revision, but might do well with some tweaking to improve on it.

Some further in stanza thoughts... Best of luck with this-Again I much enjoyed!

Best Wishes, Liz

A point of light, the jets fire bright,
we sail the universe.
Those lights we see- our galaxy!
In zillion stars, immersed.

L1, I felt the word fire holds more stress than jets/bright. Perhaps..
as fire jets bright.  Which also enhances the image a bit. The movement of 'jet setting' would bring a flame of fire jettting brightly through the skies. :)
In L3, the repeat of light weakens the flow. Perhaps Those gleams we see-our galaxy! Perhaps L4, "A zillion stars immersed. " I didn't think a comma was needed as well.

It would read:
A point of light; the fire jets bright,
we sail the universe.
Those gleams we see-our galaxy,
a zillion stars immersed.


On our return, our "world" will learn
of lesser life in space.
Our visit took a second look.
They are a different race.

This is nice. Smooth execution, words blend well into one another and the full aspect of meaning is clear and precise, it serves as a strong rung on the ladder toward the end of the poem.

The life we met had no flight yet,*
They chose to stare in awe.
When our ship docked, they all flocked,
entranced by all they saw.
*intergalactic

I wasn't too sure that L1/L2 are clear enough to hold the readers attention. By end of stanza, it left me with a few possible interpretations and broke the steady read you've established this far.



Their age was stone and that alone
was used when time to build.
We taught them math, the stellar path;
for we are wise and skilled.

Excellent stanza. Bravo.

They bowed to us and made such fuss
as though we were divine.
I'll not deny, was with a sigh,
but their thought, never mine.

L1, perhaps substituting 'a fuss' instead of such fuss.
L4, lost all meter that had already been set for the reader ...

perhaps:

They bowed to us and made a fuss
as though we were divine.
I'll not deny, with heavy sigh,
it was their thought and never mine.



We do not know how much they'll "grow".
We saw them near to birth.
I'll no more roam, I'm headed home.
"Goodbye" to planet Earth.


EXCELLENT ENDING. There is a absolute wonderfully place twist as the reader is set to believe it is 'earth' that is superior and that it is an earthling who is speaking and the twist comes perfect. GREAT WORK, Ron...



Hugs and best wishes, Liz
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