An azure greeting, an ivory farewell Options

[Guest_KnightWolf_*]

Before:
O, vanguard bloom, wilt thou nourish the dew this day?
Thy touch will cleave unto her soul with steadied hands
Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.


Sylph ethereal, and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sifting Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.
Emerald prayers concentric with descants and reverie
Intertwine, clasping each fold of the vale, end to end.


Her flora, and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled
Lies down across the crocus gown, mist lingered once more,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,
Her frost-lily hemstitch of soul doth clothe us two whole.

After:
O, vanguard bloom, wilt thou nourish the dew this day?
Thy touch will cleave unto her soul with steadied hands
Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.


Sylph ethereal and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sifting Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.
Emerald prayers concentric with descants and reverie
Intertwine, clasping each fold of the vale, end to end.


Her flora and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled,
Lie down across the crocus gown, mist lingered once more,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony, white upon lace,
Her frost-lily hemstitch of soul doth clothe us two whole.

[Cybele]

Good morning Nick,  

A very warm welcome to you. It is always good to welcome new members and I hope you will soon feel right at home here wandering around all the forums.

Another romantic poet. AAaahh!

This is quite beautiful Nick and if I had one main crit it would be  the use of the archaic thee/thou theme. I really feel a little let down when I read this format. Beautiful though it is.

That being said I have only the following comments:

O, vanguard bloom wilt thou nourish the dew this day?
Thy touch will cleave unto her soul with steadied hands
Each sapphire strand entranced by silver filigree strains
That resound with the descending drops of tenderness.

L1 Oh vangauard bloom  - lovely intro but Nick, surely the dew would nourish the bloom?

Also when first reading this line the use of the archaic 'wilt' juxtapostioned to the vanguard bloom reads as if you are ordering the bloom to die!  

L3  Each sapphire strand (I too have used that phrase in 'Daydreams', lovely! )  could you please explain 'entranced by filigree strains Nick. I would like to get the whole effect, but can't quite grasp it?

L4 How do they resound please Nick? If you are talking about the dew, formed by cold air depositing droplets, this would surely be soundless since it doesn't fall like rain?

Sylph ethereal, and sycamore memory ‘neath the keel
Of Sky, sifting Meadow’s veil with every fallen petal.
Emerald prayers concentric with descants and reverie
Intertwine, clasping each fold of the vale, end to end.

L1 'neath the keel of sky.  Lovely!

L2 sifting meadow's (no capital) veil FOR every fallen petal ??

Aurora, and dawn, a locket of golden stream unfurled
Lies down across the crocus gown, mist erewhile waits,
While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,
Her frost-lily hem-stitch of soul does clothe us two whole

.


L1 You say that Aurora is the personification of someone Nick. Fair enough, but that is rather confusing when you use the word dawn as well in the same line.

...........................locket of golden stream unfurled
Lies down across the crocus gown,

Utterly beautiful.

L2 'mist erewhile waits,'  This is confusing Nick since erewhile means sometime before or formerly. I know what you are trying to say but it doesn't come across like that. I feel you need something between erewhile and waits to make the meaning clearer, but then you would have too many syllables.

Might I suggest then

Lies down across the crocus gown; early mist lingers, ?

L3 While nigh a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace,

suggest

Nearby a symphony clambers ebony white upon lace, ?

L4 Her frost-lily hem-stitch of soul does clothe us two whole.

mixture of modern and archaic phrases. Should be doth clothe us two whole.

Your peotry is so lovely that is interests me greatly.  Everything suggested on MM is offered in a spirit of friendship for you to chuck or choose. Your baby, your choice Nick.

This piece inspired me sufficiently to want to understand it completely.    Thanks for the read.