 Cryptic Chrysalis, Revised 01 May ~ thanks Liz! |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
  Apr 14 05, 18:49
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
Cryptic Chrysalis
Days are made longer by a longing to belong... Dusk turns detestable in shadowy guise, left to rot in a cryptic chrysalis... Out of the wakening an epiphanous light proffers in kind; wings widen to nurture faculties unfocused… only to be traumatized by truth veiled in fallacious vows. © 2005 Lorraine M Kanter ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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May 1 05, 12:58
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
QUOTE(AMETHYST @ April 25 2005, 21:50) Wow Lori, This is a very dramatic and powerful poem. Allowing each word hold its weight within each line. I skimmed through the other comments but unfortunately haven't time to read each one indepth. So please forgive me if I repeat anything. First I would like to commend your first 2 lines. They are the hook inwhich made me spirit flutter at the concept of meaning. I would normally nit pick at the repetition of long/longing/longer... but I think, their separate meanings enhance the powerful concept of its meaning combined. How vivid the reader might be able to relate to it. How days drag on when someone sits, lonely and hoping to find someone or someplace to fit into. Excellent toying w/words. Some further comments and thoughts to follow. I hope I might leave something useful. Otherwise. I quite enjoyed this powerful poem and can relate to it with all my heart. Best wishes ... Hugs, Liz I can only say I admire your skill and talents and wish I had written something so forceful and valuable. Hugs, Liz ... I nominate this as "Poetic Excellence! " ... Hello Liz and thanks for your feedback!  QUOTE Cryptic Chrysalis Great Title. Fresh and original. Eye catching and pwerful. Thanks Liz - I like it too! Days are made longer by a longing to belong... As I mentioned earlier, this is an amazing and most capturing start to a most powerful poem. Again, thanks - I kept the repetition purposely for that reason. Dusk turns abhorrent in shadowy guise, left to rot in a cryptic chrysalis... I like the image of L1, but abhorrent, felt out of verse with the smoothness of the remaining image. Perhaps... grim or vile... also suggest 'a' after in with L2, I see what you mean Liz. I have edited that word to now read as: detestable. What do you think of the change? Out of the wakening an epiphanous light proffers in kind; Excellent. The stanza brings the reader from the image of desolation drawn toward hope and renewal... I liked the feel of the use of the word kind, kind with a slight reference to kindness, gentleness lying just beneath the use of the word. Good word usage. Thank you. Yes, the birth is a poignant part of this and the word kind has both meanings. wings widen to nurture faculties unfocused… Again. Excellent! The smooth alliteration and inner rhymes, while maintaining a full and encaptivating stanza really works to lead the reader home to that final, but intense ending. only to be traumatized by realism veiled in fallacious vows. 'fallacious vows. The word realism, sticks out for me here. I would like to suggest something more in line with 'truth' for a more smooth read. only to be traumatized by truth veiled in fallacious vows. OK. I'll buy that request.....  I nominate this as "Poetic Excellence! " Thanks Liz - we have two awards (neither of which I have received as of yet): Crown Jewels (for those tiles that command excellence AND Faery Award - for thsoe that tickle your muse..... If you are serious, then by all means, post your nomination in the Valley of Kings forum...  Thanks Liz for your thoughtful crit! ~Cleo  ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Posts in this topic
Cleo_Serapis Cryptic Chrysalis Apr 14 05, 18:49 
Nina Hi Lori
There is a sad despairing feel to this po... Apr 15 05, 01:07 Dear Nina,
Days are made longer
by a longing to b... Apr 15 05, 02:00 Nina Hi Alan
I think the long - in 3 different way, is... Apr 15 05, 02:41 Dear Nina,
"you are probably right. It was ... Apr 15 05, 04:28 Jox Hi Lori,
This is more an appreciation, than a cri... Apr 15 05, 04:35 Ephiny Hello Lori
This is beautifully written, and as ... Apr 15 05, 12:26 Billydo Hi Lori
James suggested that I crit away and not ... Apr 17 05, 03:02 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Nina @ April 15 2005, 02:07)Hi Lori
Th... Apr 17 05, 12:08 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Alan @ April 15 2005, 03:00)Dear Nina,
... Apr 17 05, 12:14 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Jox @ April 15 2005, 05:35)Hi Lori,
Th... Apr 17 05, 13:03 Jox Hi Lori...
Sorry about your thumb - nasty. (Was i... Apr 17 05, 13:08 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Ephiny @ April 15 2005, 13:26)Hello Lor... Apr 17 05, 13:12 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Billydo @ April 17 2005, 04:02)Hi Lori
... Apr 17 05, 13:22 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Jox @ April 17 2005, 14:08)[b]Hi Lori..... Apr 17 05, 13:25 Toumai Hi Cleo,
This poem made me very uncomfortable whe... Apr 21 05, 00:56 Siren Hey Lori,
Reading this made me feel a kind of bar... Apr 24 05, 18:26 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Toumai @ April 21 2005, 01:56)Hi Cleo,
... Apr 24 05, 18:50 Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Siren @ April 24 2005, 19:26)Hey Lori,
... Apr 24 05, 18:54 AMETHYST Wow Lori,
This is a very dramatic and powerful p... Apr 25 05, 20:50 Cybele Dear Lori,
This one appeared while I was on holid... Apr 26 05, 04:25 
Cleo_Serapis QUOTE(Cybele @ April 26 2005, 05:25)Dear Lori... May 1 05, 13:04 1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
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