self-reflective senryu series, *** Critique welcome! Options

[JustDaniel]

self-reflective senryu series

What does my life show?
Is Truth I'm set apart to
communicated?

My Home is elsewhere;
does that show in what I do
and things I cling to?

Do my actions speak?
show that God, who surrounds me,
is completely Good?

Do I manifest
God's providential greatness?
My trust in Him clear?

Can my fear of Him
be seen in the ways I act?
His Word outweighs mine.

Is God's Grace to me
obvious in life's courtroom?
My striving falls short.

© MLeeDickens'son 2018
during sermon challenge

[Larry]

Hey Daniel,

Don’t know if you wanted any critique on your contemplations but I can tell it was written with a lot of soul-searching involved. Most of what you wrote are questions any Christian might ask themselves and many, if not all, find themselves wanting. I guess the best one can do is “do the right thing” and He will always understand.

L2 in the first of your series was a bit confusing so I threw in a rewording suggestion. The rest of my critique had to do with punctuation (Senryu, as you know, don’t really require that). [out] (in)

It did make me contemplate my own shortcomings. I apologize in advance if you didn't want any critique.

Larry


self-reflective senryu series

What does my life show?
Is Truth [I'm set apart to] (… I’m set to impart)
communicated?

My Home is elsewhere;
does that show in what I do
and things I cling to?

Do my actions speak[?]( ; )
show that God, who surrounds me,
is completely Good?

Do I manifest
God's providential greatness?
(Is) [My] trust in Him clear?

Can my fear of Him
be seen in the ways I act?
His Word outweighs mine.

Is God's Grace to me
obvious in life's courtroom?
My striving falls short.