Marked Men***(revised) Options

[RC James]

Through my fingers, as I kneel
to splash my face in the creek,
figures in stripes bend in labor
over rake and hoe in the field.

Unrelenting furrows confirm the ache
of forever in the inmates’ minds.
Indelible black stripes slash
white shirts and pants disarranging hope,
crossing out any advent of aid or mercy.

In files at sundown, they are spent,
rigid, mostly black, their lives abraded
by the uniform stripes as surely
as the creek erodes the stones beneath.




(original)

From the distance of the creek
the figures rise like tiny zebras;
they stand on hind legs and move
their front legs in lethargic rhythm.

Unrelenting, the furrows explore distance,
like the ache of a confirmed forever
that lacerates the minds of the inmates here,
hoes in hand, white caps, shirts and pants
slashed hard with indelible black stripes
that disarrange hope. Marked so, the sky
won't send down, soon, any aid or mercy.

They stand in files at sundown, they are spent,
rigid under the threat of the captain’s whip.
They are mostly black, and the uniform stripes
abrade their lives as surely as the currents
of this creek erode the stones beneath.

[RC James]

Syl - I'm going to give this one a rest for awhile. See what looks good after a spell, maybe a mix of original and new. Thanks for your input, R

[Eisa]

Syl - I'm going to give this one a rest for awhile. See what looks good after a spell, maybe a mix of original and new. Thanks for your input, R

Hi Richard,

It is often a good idea to put a poem to rest awhile to gather ideas, but I thought I'd add my thoughts which might help. There is much to like in your original although it does need a tweak. Perhaps a mix between 2 versions might be a good idea.

From the distance of the creek
the figures rise like tiny zebras;
they stand on hind legs and move
their front legs in lethargic rhythm.

I love the comparison of the figures to zebras n this stanza - very original idea. Be careful not to prune too much as you might loose some interesting details (I've done it!)

Great narrative poem.
Eira