Threads (revision)*** Changed title, was Sonnet IV., Tweaked a little more*** Options

[Psyche]

REVISION


The seafront airs Thalia's joyful pleas
that dance against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze
and ruffles my sleek horse’s silver mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
which stellar laws have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

In whispers, wraith-like shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have found
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears the spindle's sound,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks the fount to sway my life around.

By Psyche.

Note:
1. Changed 'jesting' to 'joyful' in L1. Thalia is one of the Three Graces, who bring beauty, joy and happiness to men and Greek gods.
2. In S4, L1, used 'spindle's sound'. One of the Fates, Clotho, uses her spindle to provide the thread of life, which the others dispose of by measuring and cutting. The Fates spin out the destiny of babes, three days after they're born. They represent predetermination, as opposed to free will.







ORIGINAL


The seafront vents an adamantine breeze
that pounds against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze,
blasts my attendant horse’s mangled mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
what stellar law have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn, -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

Whispering wraithlike shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have bound
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears such barren ground,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks a source to sway my life around.


By Psyche.

[Psyche]

Hi there, Luce, Merlin, Larry and Daniel!

I'm absolutely delighted and grateful that you've taken into account my three ***.
Larry, you've spent time on my piece, words are not enough to express my thanks for your expert critique. I'm glad you like my sonnet...will try to jump in here to learn more.

Daniel, I was highly amused by your poetical crit. I envy the ease with which you handled your response to my *** pleas!

You're all so right about 'adamantine breeze'. I confess to having had my own doubts about that word, but sort of fell in love with it...LOL...it'll have to go.

Luce, you captured the mood of my sonnet very well. It was going that way, a mix of surreal, nightmares and metaphors that readers would find difficult to understand. Tx for returning to tell me that.

Merlin, you've given me quite a bashing, but I don't mind at all. I'll have to try to interpret your crit. I find it a bit complicated. You're so right, rhyming 'breeze' with 'trees' has been used too often, glad I evaded that one!

It's very late here, so I shall work hard on a Revision asap., taking into account everybody's advice, but trying not to get entangled by changing words that would then require new end rhymes and so on. Wow...BTW, I'd looked up 'sufferance' and found that it has 3 syllables!

Must off to bed now, tx and cheers,
Syl***