Threads (revision)*** Changed title, was Sonnet IV., Tweaked a little more*** Options

[Psyche]

REVISION


The seafront airs Thalia's joyful pleas
that dance against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze
and ruffles my sleek horse’s silver mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
which stellar laws have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

In whispers, wraith-like shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have found
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears the spindle's sound,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks the fount to sway my life around.

By Psyche.

Note:
1. Changed 'jesting' to 'joyful' in L1. Thalia is one of the Three Graces, who bring beauty, joy and happiness to men and Greek gods.
2. In S4, L1, used 'spindle's sound'. One of the Fates, Clotho, uses her spindle to provide the thread of life, which the others dispose of by measuring and cutting. The Fates spin out the destiny of babes, three days after they're born. They represent predetermination, as opposed to free will.







ORIGINAL


The seafront vents an adamantine breeze
that pounds against the pinewoods, moist with rain;
recalls an ancient shrine with russet frieze,
blasts my attendant horse’s mangled mane.

What dreams have slipped my mind these years, or by
what stellar law have failed to lure my heart?
The tide is tanned with spume this dawn, -I sigh
in sufferance, not wishing to depart.

Whispering wraithlike shrouds beneath the sea
divine unwritten rules the Fates have bound
to stay my soul, or souls who yearn for me

this morn. My mind forswears such barren ground,
as if today some secret, nameless key
unlocks a source to sway my life around.


By Psyche.

[Luce]

Hi Sylvia,

I usually don't go back to a crit but I should of explained why I liked your poem. It had a surreal quality about it that I enjoyed. It was part dream/part nightmare. Therefore, saying "mangled mane" fitted right in. It's a powerful image. At first I wanted something more pleasant to describe the horse's mane but tangled/knottled mane proved to be a clearer sharper image for me.

I'm glad you got more crits - especially for the meter. You're in good hands.


Luce